Syfy’s original movies are rarely anything short of a bonkers camp joyride, and the trailer for their newest one, Piranhaconda, looks like the latest in a line of flawless gems. Let’s run down the Syfy checklist, shall we? Explosions? Check. Gratuitous violence and shots of sexy ladies in bikinis? Check. Bad CGI? Check. Washed-up actors and/or musicians from the ’80s and ’90s (MADSEN!) delivering dialogue that is so far over the top it actually starts creeping back up from the bottom? Check. A plot with more holes in it than the ears of the girl who works at the coffee shop in the mall? Check. One scary animal crossed with another scary animal then enlarged anywhere from 10-50x because f-ck science anyway? Check. Yup, we’ve got a live one here.
If it’s OK with all of you, I’d like to take this opportunity to pitch an idea for a Syfy movie that I’ve been working on for a while now (five minutes): Dogasaurus. A dog gets zapped with radiation or steps in ooze or eats some glowing something or whatever, and when he wakes up the next morning he is 50 feet tall and has machine guns for hands and he is HUNGRY FOR BLOOD. Who can stop Dogasaurus? Not the police, that’s for sure. Their simplistic weapons and Constitutional limitations leave them useless to fight the soulless behemoth. In a last ditch effort, the government calls on controversial science expert Dr. Rex Benchpress (JC Chasez), a former Navy SEAL who had sworn off violence and become a university professor. Now with the help of his research assistant and on-again-off-again love interest Amber Bamber (Topanga from “Boy Meets World”), he must figure out Dogasaurus’s weakness and take him out before it’s too late. Will they succeed? Tune in to find out.
via Devour
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That picture of piranhaconda will haunt my dreams. I can’t come back to this site until tomorrow, when I can be sure that this post has moved on to Page 2. /shudders
Seriously, this post might as well have had an enlarged picture of a rat’s face staring at me. /more shudders
THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE MORE BATTLESTAR GALACTICA.
After that last season of BSG…I’m okay with that
Can I help with the script, Danger? Bamber: “Oh, Dr. Benchpress, my heart’s as heavy as a barbell, but you’ve just lifted it.”
“Don’t get too attached, babe. I ain’t the settling down type.” [aims rocket launcher at Dogasaurus, fires]
Like an idiot, after posting that previous comment, I watched the video. While eating a cucumber. At the part of the video when piranhaconda came at me, I bit my tongue. I am now pre-canker on the side of my mouth. Thanks Danger.
Yellow bikini is a friend of mine. Just thought that was worth mentioning.
She was in ‘Sharktopus’ too….also in a bikini. I approve of her career path to this point.
What color was her bikini in Sharktopus? I need to know!
Sort of blue/rainbow if I remember correctly.
Dear SyFy,
Where is DinoCorgi vs. Beagledachty.?
Sincerely,
The Internet
Left off the “L” in Beagledachtyl.
Like the internet could spell!
As a fan of schlock cinema, Roger Corman working on SyFy original movies makes way more sense than most of the things Hollywood does these days.
Theme music for Dogasaurus? NO DIGGITY.
I would just like to point out that the guys who wrote the music for this are also the guys behind the Conan musical. [jonandal.com]
And the Silence of the Lambs musical, but really, nothing can compete with Arnie.
Besides machine guns for hands, err paws, can dogasaurus also shoot bees out of his mouth? Or is that too much…
After watching the trailer I have to say that Dogasaurus would be able to take Piranhaconda in a one on one cage match.
With or without the bees.
Why can’t the busty women live? Why are they always forced to be monster fodder? They have got so much to give.
You forgot the wise-cracking black side-kick (DJ Jazzy Jeff)!
With an offensive name like MC Manslaughter
As someone who has contributed to these scripts, I can tell you that this thread does not sound all that far off from many, if not all, of the pitch meetings we have. Keep it up, we have kids to put through college and I’m taking notes.