CBS, which is the top-rated network among all viewers for the reasons that I explained yesterday, is introducing only four new shows to their geriatric slate of procedurals: One bad comedy, and one iffy drama, and two bad procedurals, one of which makes me want to strangle kittens.
Here are previews of all four, from bad to really bad. WARNING: The last one may make your blood boil.
Partners -- Strike One: Flaming Gay Stereotypes. Strike Two: Sophia Bush as a credible comedic actress. Strike Three: Laugh track. No thanks, even if it does have Brandon Routh, and even if it is loosely based on the relationship of the real-life writer/creators of "Will and Grace."
Vegas has fantastic cast: Michael Chiklis, Carrie-Anne Moss, and Dennis Quaid. But wait? Let me get this straight: Dennis Quaid is the sheriff of 60's-era Vegas, and he rides a horse? And he's going up against a transported Chicago mobster? Is this CBS's attempt to combine "Boardwalk Empire" with "Deadwood" and "Mad Men"? This is not a show; it's a genre mash-up. Leave the mash-ups to "Psych" and "Community," CBS. You're out of your depth.
Made in Jersey -- Oh, a legal procedural. How original, CBS! Where did you come up with that idea? By watching every other show on television? Oh, but this one is different, you say? Because it involves a Jersey girl working at a white-shoe law firm? Ooooh! A fish-out-of-water legal procedural. There's so many layers!
CBS: You disgust me.
Elementary -- I loathe every thing about this show. I want to set it on fire. Joan Watson? Really? And you can't claim to be "pushing the envelope" when the other Sherlock has shoved that envelope up your ass. It's bullsh*t. And you just know, YOU KNOW, there's going to be a romantic tension between Watson and Holmes, and if Arthur Conan Doyle were alive to see this, he'd shoot himself in the head just so he could properly roll over in his grave.