“The Wire” never won an Emmy. Just think about that for a second. “The Wire,” quite possibly the greatest show of all-time, was considered “less good” by the Television Academy than “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation,” “The Practice,” “Joan of Arcadia,” and “Boston Legal.” IT WAS ONLY NOMINATED FOR TWO AWARDS IN ITS ENTIRE FIVE-SEASON RUN. That’s one-fourth of what f*ckin’ Monk, Tony Shalhoub, earned by himself. And don’t get me started on the Academy’s lack of love for “Buffy." Jiminy jillikers.
The lack of Bunk love has been on my mind lately because although the final Emmy nominees for the 2011-2012 season haven’t been announced yet, you can see everyone and everything that COULD be selected here. It’s interesting seeing which episodes different shows consider to be their best (“Breaking Bad,” for instance, submitted seven selections for Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series, while “Game of Thrones” went with four), but it’s even more fascinating finding the shows that shouldn’t be on the same ballot as “Justified.” This is a list of 12 worst-case scenarios of people and series that could win more Emmys this year than “The Wire” ever did.
Which is to say: one.
Show: "Toddlers & Tiaras"
Category: Outstanding Reality Program
On any given weekend across the country, toddlers take the stage wearing makeup, spray tans and fake hair to be judged on beauty, personality and costumes. TODDLERS & TIARAS follows families on their quest for sparkly crowns, big titles and lots of cash.
The Emmys have been looking to capture the influential pedophile crowd.
Actress: Sarah Wayne Callies (as Lori Grimes)
Show: "The Walking Dead"
Category: Outstanding Lead Actress In a Drama Series
“I’d like to thank the Academy for helping me remember to look for Carl.”
Show: "Christmas Comes Home to Canaan"
Category: Outstanding Miniseries or Movie
In this sequel, the sweet Southern farming family returns as Daniel Burton takes his son to California for experimental surgery and falls for a beautiful rehabilitation doctor. But Daniel struggles to incorporate her into his simple family life when she spends Christmas with his family in Canaan, Texas.
If you guessed this Hallmark special stars Billy Ray Cyrus, you are so right. “Hey there Miley, help me move dem there beer cans out of the firepit. Gotta make run for Santa.” Billy calls everyone Miley.
Show: "Wicked Tuna"
Category: Outstanding Reality Program
In Gloucester, Mass., there’s a special breed of fishermen. For generations, they have used rod and reel to catch the elusive Bluefin tuna. They have 10 weeks to make a year’s salary. Part master fishermen, part maniacs...they gamble everything for the chance to hook as many as they can.
Oh, good, a show that FINALLY combines two of my least favorite things: giant fish and Boston expressions. If its soundtrack includes Staind, I’m making “Wicked Tuna” my underdog pick of the year.
Show: "I Hate My Teenage Daughter"
Category: Outstanding Comedy Series
F*CK YOUUUUUUUU.
Show: "Trinity Goodheart"
Category: Outstanding Miniseries or Movie
When Trinity Goodheart is visited by an angel who leaves her a pendant belonging to her long-lost mother, Trinity concludes that her mother needs help. What ensues is an effort by Trinity to reunite her disjointed family and, in the process, she teaches them about love, faith and forgiveness.
I’m convinced that “Trinity Goodheart” is the name of a strict, yet understanding Puritan schoolteacher from the 1600s, not something that aired on NATIONAL TELEVISION in 2011. I bet that old Asian man is wise and teaches the young black girl a lesson.
Actress: Nancy Grace
Show: "Raising Hope"
Category: Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series
A mockumentary-style episode, Nancy Grace examines the "real story" of Hope's mom, serial killer Lucy Carlisle. Grace interviews each member of the Chance family, all of whom relay personal accounts of exactly what happened when Jimmy met Lucy back in 2008.
What would a tone-deaf manatee in a dress do with an Emmy anyway?
Show: "Allen Gregory"
Category: Outstanding Animated Program
Episode: "Pilot"
Allen Gregory DeLongpre, the world’s most spoiled and pretentious seven-year-old, is forced, for the first time, to attend elementary school with kids his own age. On his first day, he struggles to fit in with the popular crew, and falls deeply in love with the elderly Principal Gottlieb.
With no due respect to “Work It,” “Allen Gregory” was the WORST new series of the 2011-2012 TV season. I don’t want to relive the agony of this show and its awful, cruel protagonist, but suffice it to say, if “Allen Gregory” pulls a Kurt Russell and gets a nomination over “American Dad,” I will...actually, no. “Allen Gregory” doesn’t deserve an elaborate death threat. It’s not worth it. WHY WERE YOU SO BAD???
Show: "!Rob!"
Category: Outstanding Art Direction For a Multi-Camera Series
Here's the synopsis for the episode that was chosen for this category:
Rob asks Hector to teach him Spanish in secret.
The way the, um, artist directed Rob! trying to say “chimichangas” was particularly inspired.
Show: “Mad Men”
Episode: “Tea Leaves”
Category: Outstanding Prosthetic Makeup for a Series, Miniseries, Movie, or a Special
Betty played by January Jones wore a custom sculpted fat makeup which included 8 silicone pieces covering her face, neck, upper and lower arms. The makeup was applied 9 times concealing her pregnancy then re-sculpted to match continuity exactly, applied another 9 times post-birth during the duration of season 5. Glued with Telesis, Mixed mediums include washes and splattering of Illustrator and crème make-up to achieve her porcelain tone. 1960’s beauty make-up finished the character.
I can’t decide if I want to live in a world where FAT BETTY wins an award, or if I’d just rather watch this GIF of FAT BETTY eating Bugles until the end of time. Actually, I’ll take the Bugles.
Show: "Jeff Dunham: Birth of a Dummy"
Category: Outstanding Nonfiction Special
Comedian and ventriloquist, Jeffrey Dunham began his career with the wildly popular DVD release, Spark of Insanity in 2007 and has since become one of the world's top-grossing comedians. His characters—popular and controversial at the same time—have inspired praise from his fans, and sharp rebukes from his critics.
Sweet Daddy Dee could make a special appearance to discuss pimp-slapping the crowd...with comedy. Then Achmed the Dead Terrorist would tell his great bit about bombing the audience...with laughter. Then I'd blow up wherever the Emmys are this year. The irony would be lost on no one.
Show: "Keeping Up With the Kardashians"
Category: Outstanding Reality Program
KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS gives viewers an inside look at this unique American family, from vigorous arguments to practical jokes, weddings and babies, and all the Hollywood-filled moments in between.
An Emmy would look really nice on the Kardashian mantel, right next to Kim’s multiple Teen Choice Awards and Kanye West’s penis.
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Jiminy jillikers.
Now there’s no need for profanity, Josh.
But I was a number-one box office draw for two decades!
If there was a schadenfreude award, Fat Betty would win it, hands down.
Then again, there’s also Pete Campbell getting punched and Joffrey Baratheon getting slapped.
I know it’s completely unrelated, but I just found out about a whole new Kickball-centric episode of Happy Endings exists. It only aired in the UK and is not available on American iTunes. Do with this what you will.
you just found out about this, ive been awaiting the US arrival for a while now… perhaps it’s time for a hobby.
Its available online a few places, often listed only as Episode 22.
Dude! Thanks for the heads up!
Is Happy Endings worth watching. I’ve people say good things about it around here but I know nothing about it at all.
what?!…that’s it, no more work today, I’m off to look for that episode
I’m cool as long as no chicks get nominated for comedy writing.
My. Fucking. God. Seriously? Toddlers and Tiaras not only seems like the secret project of some pedophile’s producers, but it’s also demeaning for any good mother out there. If you dare to watch one episode (at risk of losing your sanity) you’ll find out every mother tries not only to live their failed dreams of being a model thru their daughters, but also systematically ruin their eduation, values and everything important in a child’s formation as a human being, by giving them anything they want and pandering every tantrum they make.
We got a show in Mexico called “Pequeños Gigantes”, actually on it’s second season. It’s a “reality” show where children compete in teams by singing, dancing and making jokes. That sounds nice until you realize the tone of the dance and the jokes are not even in their age rank. Little pearls like “my mommy told me to move my tushy to be sexy” and singing mature or sexy songs are the rule. Why do we need to have children expose themselves to these contents? Because, clearly, any child that watches other child dancing in a sexist way can complain “Why shouldn’t I’ll be allowed to do that?”
Maybe I’m overreacting, I’m not a puritan, don’t treat kids like idiots by censoring things, but on the other hand, don’t put them at risk with these shows.
Maybe I’m missing the joke here but I’m not sure you know how emmy balloting works… don’t the people behind the shows and the actors submit themselves for the awards? It’s not like the Academy decided that these people should be on it, and literally none of them have any shot of being nominated, so it sounds like complaining for the sake of complaining.
Welcome, you must be new around these parts….
Me thinks you’re missing the point.
You’re equating the number of Emmys The Wire was nominated for to 12 bad shows that were self-submitted for nominations and stand no chance at getting nominated, yet alone to win. Methinks the point is to be snarky and funny, but methinks it’s also misleading and uninformed.
I love that “reality” programming is open to things that are completely scripted and staged
I’ll give you some Bunk love, Josh.
“Comedian and ventriloquist, Jeffrey Dunham began his career with the wildly popular DVD release, Spark of Insanity in 2007 and has since…”
He began his career in 2007? I remember watching him make fun of Mexicans with a jalepeno puppet in the early ’90′s. He’s been around FOREVER…not 5 years.
About the Walking Dead nominee… I don’t think the actress is that bad. I think the part is terribly unlikable.
And meant to be unlikable, in my opinion
Are we positive a “Toddlers and Tiaras” nomination wouldn’t just be a ploy for the Feds to bust the creators Chris Hansen style?
I would like to point out that “Work It!” doesn’t appear on any of the ballots.
There’s a Gospel Music Channel? Of all the times I’m glad to not have cable…
Christmas Comes to Canaan sounds horrible. However, I would watch the fuck out of Christmas Comes to Conan if it meant seeing Jason Mamoa rip the fat man’s tongue out through his throat and then roast the bodies of the reindeer for a bachanalian feast/orgy celebrating the birth of Crom.
That’s the true meaning of Hanukkah.
By Crom, they truly are the Chose People.
No wins for The Wire? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
you mean SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIT
I’m rooting for the meteor to win.
no wins for The Wire and no wins for Jason Alexander or Steve Carell are some of the biggest award travesties ever.
The most surprising thing about that list is that Franklin & Bash is listed as a drama.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO THIS IS ALL WRONG
The only thing that keeps me from rage-ploding and going outside and murdering as many people with a shotgun until I’m the one who’s taken out is the relief of knowing that someday all these people will be dead.
Rated Arrrrgh for Pirates, fuck you.
So I can be as racist as I want as long as I’m doing it THROUGH puppets. Right?
We need to pass a law where any article that includes a picture of Nancy Grace is required to have a “Nightmare Fuel” tag.