Two West Virginian men have filed suit against Kim Kardashian this week, claiming that she is an Al Qaeda Operative and that she made a sex tape with a unicorn.
The first suit, filed by “Jonathan Kimberly,” alleges that Kardashian was making too much noise in her hotel room, and that when he went to ask her to quiet down, he found that Kim Kardashian, Kris Humphries, and Myla Sinanaj were making a sex tape while a “sheep, two goats, and a unicorn” looked on. Apparently, Sinanaj had a voodoo doll, while Kardashian was injecting steroids into Humphries’ arm. Then sh*t got real, according to the lawsuit papers:
Kris went irate on steroid rage, ripped the door open, dragged me into the room, put a shot gun to my head that he got from Nets player Jayson Williams, and forced me to watch the 3 defendants have sex with one another for 5 hr’s against my will…. Myla hit me with RC Cola can. Kimberly forced me to watch E! network Keeping Up With the Kardashian reruns on the hotel tv for 6 more consecutive hr’s, I defecated on myself, barnyard animals snipped at my feet, Chris is laughing at me like the Jolly Green Giant … Then a knock on the door, Kim Kardashian opened and it was Charlie Sheen who had a bag full of ecstasy and set [sic] “Lets get this party started.”
The other lawsuit wasn’t nearly as salacious, as it simply alleged that:
Kim Kardashian, Kanye West, Kris Jenner, Bruce Jenner, Khloe Kardashian and Kourtney Kardashian at an Al Qaeda training camp in the West Virginia mountainside, where they burned the American flag and where West performed a concert for all the terrorists at the camp.
Apparently, they were mining coal in order to enrich uranium for weapons of mass destruction. Folks, honestly, I think they’re probably doing plenty of cultural mass destruction without the use of uranium.
Upon hearing the news, the entire state of Florida flew into a jealous rage, threatening to sue the State of West Virginia for making a sex tape with Arkansas and a stadium full of Emma Stone bobblehead dolls.