
You know what? Screw it. Let’s all go to Maui.
Seriously, let’s all go. Like, now. Just leave all your stuff at your desk, run home, grab a bathing suit and toothbrush, drive straight to the airport, and book a flight. All of you. I’ll handle the reservations. How do you guys feel about The Four Seasons? I think it looks nice. Sure, we may have to shack up 3-4 to a room and share beds (NO CO-ED ROOMS WITHOUT A NOTE FROM YOUR PARENTS), but this could really work, gang. Granted, I’m all dumptrucked on sinus medicine, so, you know, factor that in. But it’s raining, and it’s Friday, and everything is terrible today, and dammit I just want to go to Maui.
I mean, think about it. By this time tomorrow we could all be sitting by the pool in scenic Hawaii, umbrella drink in hand, surrounded by lush, green mountains, the soothing sounds of the Pacific lulling us closer and closer toward our second nap of the afternoon. We can have beautiful hula dancers (or cabana boys, depending on your preference) fan us with palm leaves and bring us trays of fresh fruit. “Pineapple? Don’t mind if I do,” we’d say as we poke a giant yellow wedge with a toothpick. “Mmmmm. You can’t get anything like that on the mainland.” Then we’d drift back into our world of midday, rum-soaked dreams.
As for the activities, we can have Josh organize a team volleyball tournament for the athletic types, and Dustin can lead all the nature lovers on a nice morning hike up the side of an active volcano. The view from the top is breathtaking, I hear. Me? I’ll be setting up the First Annual Warming Glow Hawaiian Karaoke Contest. DIBS ON “SUSPICIOUS MINDS”! That’s my specialty. Who knows, maybe we can even coax Ufford to come along. He loves a nice, relaxing vacation. The whole Warming Glow family, together at last for a week of stress-free fun in the sun.
So, yeah. Maui.
Image via



Apologies for the lack of pictures today. Between feeling like hell and following everything in Colorado, it just didn’t get done. Lo siento.
I went to the gym and all the TVs were on a news channel. About 5 min in, I felt like a selfish dick. like, holy shit this happened THIS MORNING. there just can’t be anybody in a first-world country that doesn’t know about this tragedy. geez oh peats.
I’ll volunteer to organize a cribbage tournament.
I’ll volunteer to organize a cribbage tournament…
Two cribbage tournaments, apparently.
Seriously, I just wanna’ sleep and drink right now. But doing that on the beach? Even better.
Here I was all set to supplement our image with some more pups and Uproxx has decided to swallow up my ability to do so. Fuck it, Maui it is.
I can go for about 8 pineapple and Malibus right about now. Where can we download the permission forms for our parents to sign?
As a side note, I freaking own at boozy beach volleyball. just sayin.
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You happen to be absolutely right about the pineapple, however. I’m far from a food snob, but once you’ve tasted the perfection that is a genuine fresh Hawaiian pineapple you’ll never go back. The sight of canned pineapple in the grocery store makes me projectile vomit square into the dried apricots. And I like dried apricots!
I almost forgot…MOAR POLYNESIAN CORGIS!!!!!