If there are two things I love in this world, they would be (a) watching the Food Network and (b) hijinks of all shapes and sizes. So when I saw that Drew Magary (writer for Gawker and Deadspin, and KSK co-founder) was starting a campaign to get himself on Chopped, I was immediately on board. In this post on Deadspin, Drew fills out the show’s nineteen question (really?) application, and I don’t think I’m being unreasonable when I say that he sounds like the most qualified contestant the show has ever seen. A sampling:
Describe your cooking style, ingredients you love and any specialty dishes.
My cooking style can be best described as SEXYLOVESAUCE. When you eat my food, you feel sexy and saucy. And you feel loved. SEXYLOVESAUCE. I love BOLD FLAVORS, because chefs who don’t like bold flavors are pussies. My favorite ingredients are HARD WORK and FIERCE SCRAPPITUDE. And Adobo. Adobo kicks ass. [...]Why do you think you can be the next Chopped Champion?
I will get everything on the plate. I will not serve raw chicken. I will not lose track of the clock, which is insane for chefs to do because the clock is right there and Ted is always shouting out how much time is left. I will not wander around the pantry like a moron. I will render my bacon fat until it’s nice and crispy. I will keep my station clean and not throw food scraps on the floor like that one British lesbian lady did, which was so gross. I will not bitch about the ingredients in the mystery basket. “WHOA HEY CANNED FISH! I didn’t expect this!” No kidding, idiot. You’re on Chopped.
Oddly, Chopped is the one show on the Food Network I can’t watch. It stresses me THE HELL out for all the reasons Drew lists in that second answer, to the point I get, like, physical jittery and uncomfortable. I end up screaming stuff at the TV like “YOU’RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME! GET THE CHICKEN IN THE OVEN!” or “JESUS CHRIST YOU’RE BURNING THE RISOTTO” like a total spaz. One time I saw a guy cut his hand practically to the bone while he was chopping something. He tried to continue the competition by putting on a glove, but he kept getting blood all over everything anyway. The whole thing gave me agita. I don’t need that in my life.
So if Drew, a student of the show, thinks he can pull this off without succumbing to all the things that give me a goddamn panic attack, I am 100% behind his candidacy. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to see if the Food Network is looking for a replacement or fill-in for Guy Fieri on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives. I’ll go in there and burn Flavortown to the ground like Sherman.
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Chopped is one of the few on Food Network that I *CAN* watch. Mostly because I respect the judges to some degree. Everything else on that network has Guy Fieri, Rachel Ray, or Paula Dean. I’d sooner pea fish-hooks than watch any of them.
That didn’t really seem like an amateur-specific application, though. Thought the question about chef coat size was just to root out any pretenders (he know’s what size jacket he is! ineligible!) but there were a few later on about professional status.
But yeah, Chopped should totally let him on. Just the right amount of amateur – not famous enough to turn it into “Celebrity Chopped!” but might bring some randoms over to watch it. DREW FOR CHOPPED, DREW FOR CHOPPED.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah unnecessary apostrophe. Here’s where I gets my panic attacks.
Chopped is a seriously fun show to watch, and Alex Guarnaschelli has a ginormous butt.
This sounds like something that I should never, ever watch. I don’t need anything that exacerbates my anxiety. Hell, I have to change the channel on basketball games sometimes because I get myself so worked up that I can’t watch.
It has the tension of college basketball, but also 2-3 people a week who are as unlikeable as Coach K and actually get the comeuppance they so richly deserve.
One of my biggest gripes with Chopped…”This dessert is too sweet for me”.
Really? Try chasing it with a sip from that cup of “Eat shit, it’s dessert. It’s supposed to be fucking sweet you self-righteous, pretentious douche” I prepared to go along with it.
Thanks Drew, I have such a hankering for Taiwanese shitfruit right now.
Got some on the tree out back, Pete. After you pick them, you have to wait two weeks for the tiny weevils to leave. If you swallow one, your intestines will be on ‘Merica’s Most Murderraped.
I have a feeling that if I had a dollar for every time Ted Allen thought to himself, “Fuck am I glad I don’t have to eat that garbage”, I’d be fairly well to do.
My problem with Chopped is how arbitrary the judging seems to be. They will absolutely slaughter one contestant for not using much of a secret ingredient, or double dipping a serving spoon, and then never mention a different contestant committing the same offence. Also, it seems like the judges hold SERIOUS grudges and irrationally and randomly play favorites. I also hate how much the judges play up their shticks. They just seem like joyous holier than though assholes.
joyLESS, not joyous.
“Chopped” is a real cooking competition show, as opposed to “Iron Chef,” which purports to be but is so obviously rigged and canned to be totally unwatchable. In “Chopped,” I really believe these chefs have no idea what’s in the basket, and have 20 minutes to whip something up. Makes for compelling TV.
/I have no life
I know the chefs get a list of two or three possible secret ingrediants far enough in advance as to plan certain dishes. But beyond that why is it rigged?
New York magazine had a lengthy takedown about 4-5 years ago. They are given the “secret” ingredient ahead of time, and some of the iron chefs bring special ingredients to fix with dish. For an example, Morimoto brought truffles, pulled them out of a bag he brought, and put them into dish (wasn’t available to other chef.) The food that is actually eaten by the judges is cooked by the sous chefs – that is, they film the competition. They break down set, do interviews, etc., then the sous chefs cook the dishes again that are actually eaten by judges, without the iron chef doing anything. Generally, the article harped on the fact that for three world-class chefs, banging out three-four dishes in an hour is absolutely no problem, and that the whole contest aspect is totally contrived and artificial. These chefs could make 20 dishes in that time, and it simply is not a difficult task they are given.
I did not know that. Hopefully the expose was for the US version, which is indeed unwatchable. I’m going to put my fingers in my ears and go la-la-la though if it’s the Japanese version as well because I still like that one.
I’m kind of disappointed he didn’t mention the Andy Reid/McNabb era when discussing time management.