Everyone Is Quitting American Idol

Artist's rendering

We don’t talk about American Idol very often around here, but major shake-ups are taking place at the judges’ table this week, and seeing as millions and millions of people continue to watch the show, I feel like we should probably address it. Here goes:

Steven Tyler left. The Aerosmith lead singer and noted scarf aficionado released a statement this week announcing his departure from the show. And when I say “statement,” what I mean is “a bunch of words, sort of.” The whole thing is a menagerie of ellipses and self-promotion, but the highlight in my opinion is the ending: “IDOL was over-the-top fun, and I loved every minute of it…Now it’s time to bring Rock Back. ERMAHGERD.” Ermahgerd indeed, you lunatic gypsy scarecrow. Ermagherd, indeed.

Jennifer Lopez is probably leaving. Jennifer Lopez, a very real person from the block by all accounts, went on the Today show yesterday and sounded an awful lot like someone with one $7,000 designer heel out the door, saying “I love everybody, I love all the guys on the show, I love the family that’s there. But I am thinking it’s time for me to go and do other things I love to do.” However, Deadline has a quote from one of Lopez’s “intimates” who says she may come back if they give her “a lot of f-cking money, a lot.” I like your negotiating style, Mr. or Ms. J Lo Lackey. “I would like to buy this bicycle. How much does it cost?” “A lot of f-cking money. A LOT.” “You drive a hard bargain, but I will take it. [empties wallet onto counter]” (UPDATE – She’s gone.)

Randy Jackson might be leaving, too. According to Us Weekly, world famous pitchiness expert Randy Jackson may be leaving the judge’s table as well to take on a “mentoring role” with the show. I have no idea how one mentors a table full of insane people to pontificate about glorified karaoke performances, but best of luck, fella.

Everyone who has ever recorded a song is rumored to be joining the show. Names currently being tossed around include Mariah Carey, Adam Lambert, and Katy Perry, but it’s nothing but mostly baseless speculation at this point. Hey! I know how to baselessly speculate! Watch this: Sources close to Warming Glow are telling me exclusively that producers are in talks with legendary recording artist Lou Bega to join the show for the upcoming season. When reached for comment, Mr. Bega repeatedly yelled “THE TRUMPET” into the telephone and then hung up. Boom.