Larry Hagman’s Eyebrows Are Immaculate

I don’t know if you guys are watching Dallas on TNT, but if you aren’t you are missing out on one of the finest eyebrow-related television performances since Peter Gallagher on The O.C. The eyebrows in question belong to Larry Hagman, who plays the cartoonishly evil J.R. Ewing on the reboot of the ’80s oil drama, and I swear to God they steal every single scene they’re in. And that’s saying a lot, because Dallas is insane. It’s only six episodes into its first season, and there are already like five double crosses and one triple cross taking place. But then again, my figures could be a little off because LOOK AT THOSE UPWARD-SWOOPING SUMBITCHES. How can anyone possibly be expected to focus on the plot with all that happening on the screen? Hot damn.

Do you think he combs them? He has to comb them, right? Eyebrows don’t just jut awkwardly up towards the sky like sunlight-starved plants. He definitely combs them. Do you think… no. Do you think he uses, like, mousse? Oh man, that would be crazy. What if he has a stylist on set that shows up every morning specifically to style his eyebrows? Can you even imagine? I mean, how the hell would you go about explaining that job when you came home for Christmas?

LOUD UNCLE: How’s Hollywood treatin’ ya? Meetin’ lotsa big stars?
EYEBROW STYLIST: I, uh, yeah. Kinda.
LOUD UNCLE: What exactly is it you do again? Hair stylin’, right?
EYEBROW STYLIST: Uh, sorta. I style eyebrows.
LOUD UNCLE: What in the who now?! You style what?!
EYEBROW STYLIST: [meekly] Eyebrows.
LOUD UNCLE: Well I’ll be a … BOBBY! GET OVER HERE! You have GOT to hear this!

You know what? Now that I think about it, they probably just have the regular stylist do them when they do his hair. You know, because of the economy. It’s like that old saying goes, “Eyebrow stylists are the first to go.” A real shame, too. All those years training at eyebrow styling school, and for what? To bus tables at night while you run around trimming the inch-thick caterpillars on some gum-snapping trophy wife from the Valley for $30 a pop? Ugh. I’ve seen it happen a million times, but it doesn’t make it any less sad.

I guess that’s Hollywood for ya.