Once you’re finished reading Seamus Rothsteinwitzberg’s socio-economic criticism on the plight of the female characters in Wes Anderson’s films that come out in years that end with an even number on the New Yorker‘s website, here’s something fun to do instead.
In the classic Seinfeld episode, “The Cartoon” (written by former-Six Feet Under writer/current Girls producer Bruce Eric Kaplan), Elaine submits a caption for a New Yorker cartoon, one that she later realizes she subconsciously lifted from Ziggy. (Oh, Elaine, will you ever win?) The picture shows a pig at a complaint department, and the caption reads, “I wish I were taller.” It’s better than Jerry’s “I can’t find my receipt, my place is a sty,” but nowhere near as good as Kramer’s “My wife is a slut.” Now that’s a complaint.
Now the New Yorker is giving you a chance to caption the photo yourself — if they like your entry, it’ll be published in the magazine. Like Elaine, I’ve been staring at that damn pig for hours now and I’m shooting mental blanks. At one point I thought having the caption be from the POV of that distracted woman on the escalator was comedy gold. It was not. But I want us to win this thing, though, and by “us” I mean the editors who will steal your good ideas. Because all I got is, “I’m curly, you’re straight, what’s the problem?” So…go.
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Warming Glow could win the Parks and Rec t-shirt contest but Danger doesn’t care about his own idea.
That’s gonna be hella Morning Link’d tomorrow.
I wanted the kosher meal on my flight.
Bah, I was going to say something about kosher something too.
“I’m a pig and I wish to complain.”
I came here for an argument.
“I want bacon.”
“I taste delicious” or “I wish I was Hindu”
“Lamar broke our sex swing.”
“According to the internet, Kate Upton stole my look.”
“Hi, I’m Kate Upton” would be hilarious.
Why am I the other white meat
“Christ, what an asshole.”
Why do frogs get all the hot girls
People keep mistaking me for Jon Hamm.
“Don’t you hate pants?”
You know the way to my heart, Taco.
“My wife is a boar.”
“I wish this was more timely.”
“These pretzels are making me thirsty!”
“She wants me to convert.”
I like this sooo much
These truffles taste like shit.
I’m tired of people using Anthropomorphic Animals to make an ‘intellectual’ point and/or Dropping acid before work is a bad idea
“I worked in Deadwood for a while. Then they told me what I was eating was PEOPLE! IT WAS PEOPLE!!”
I think that food stand near the Sears is selling hot dogs made from my uncle.
“Sir calm down. You’ll get your lost luggage…when pigs fly!”
The Jews are conspiring against m… nah, that’s probably a Ziggy too.
You cannot return an opened package of bacon sir.
“George told Kramer he was going to make me take the bus.”
“I’m very disappointed in your selection of silk purses.”
“I’m with you, Bacon.”
“I’ll tell you the trouble with the Jews and the Muslims; Neither one will suck my cock!”
“Wouldn’t it be funny if you were raped by, like, 5 guys right now?”
“What about Bacon, Ham, Pork Chops?”
“Dad they all come from the same animal”
“Yeah right Lisa, a wonderful, magical animal”
A wolf blew my house down
“Laughter house? I fear sir has been misinformed”
or
“That was not my definition of an all-you-can-eat buffet.”
Man nobody has complaint windows anymore – everyone just gets shoved into an IVR maze.
That bitch keeps hogging the escalator.
Winner.
Well the jerk store called. They said they’re running out of YOU!
“A mad man stole my identity, my name is John Hamm”
” why should I press 1 for English, IN MY OWN COUNTRY!!!l”
“So I went wee wee wee all the way home. It’s called a bladder problem, thank you.”
“I’d like a refund for this Porky’s ticket.”
“Look, I know people hate squealers ….”
Kim Kardashian married me for publicity
There is a black president, why can’t I fly?
Take Jessica Simpson back, we don’t want her
“I don’t understand New Yorker cartoons.”
“These Daniel Tosh jokes are not funny.”
“Your advertisements are misleading. Pulled Pork Special, indeed.”
Who let Gordon Ramsay get a foothold on American television?
The comments on this page are terrible (that’s the pig’s complaint)
The Aristocrats!
Oink Oink Oink
So I was telling the girl I may be a pig but I don’t eat… wait, where did your other hand go? and do you hear a buzzing sound?
Come on, my wife is a boar is the best.
“HR mediations are supposed to be confidential, Pam!”
What the?? It’s like looking into a mirror. Forget what I was going to say before!