10 Hilarious Insights Into Hank Schrader That You Can’t Get From Watching ‘Breaking Bad’

A lot of people don’t realize this, but Hank Schrader — the gruff but lovable DEA agent on Breaking Bad — actually has a blog. It’s true. He started the blog last year while he was laid up with his rock collection. It’s over on the AMC website. I don’t know who actually writes the blog — an AMC intern, a Breaking Bad staffer, or Dean Norris himself — but whoever it is, they’ve perfectly captured the voice of Hank. He doesn’t offer any foreshadowing clues or any great previews into the future of the show, but he’s got some pretty great insights into life, the evils of money, and why having a pain in the ass for a wife is not such a bad thing.

I read all of Hank’s blog entries so far, and compiled these insights, witticisms, and nuggets of wisdom:

Hank doesn’t care for reality television:

Things have kinda, well, blown up around here. Yeah, and I may actually mean that literally (the real literally, not that bullsh*t “literally” so favored by the elite brain trust known as “reality TV stars”).

Hanks’ true feelings about Mike Ehrmantraut and using RICO To Deprive Him of the Gus Fring Hazard Pay:

Now we’ve got this one hard case, real dead-eyed gargoyle-looking villain. And I don’t use that lightly, but this withered sack of excrement used to be a cop. He knew better, once upon a time, and he chose to go bad. And why? Money. Pay’s way better on the wrong side of the law. And all of us who spend our lives cleaning up the scum of the earth…well, that makes us glorified janitors, right? And janitors do not get paid the big bucks.

I’m sure that’s what this guy was thinking, way back. He’d make some cash doing what he does for the guys on the other side. But that’s what makes a day like today so satisfying. Free-lapdance-from-a-stripper-with-real-knockers-who-gives-you-her-number-after-and-answers-when-you-call satisfying. Once in a lifetime, y’know? Because, my friends, today we–the good guys!–got to take all those ill-gotten gains back. RICO ain’t just some Puerto Rican nickname. It’s the way to really make the bad guys hurt. Even a hard guy like the one I was talking about, you take his money away and that’s when you get to see what he looked like when he was a little kid with a skinned knee, fixing to cry. Because without the money, all the blood he’s spilled…what was it for? Nothing. And if it’s all for nothing, then suddenly he knows he’s nothing, too. Just another psycho murderer thug. And maybe he should’ve stayed a damn janitor after all; we may get down into the muck, but at least at the end we come out clean.

On last season’s meeting with Tio Salamanca:

Of course, this bitter old douche cannon ran me on a wild goose chase. I hope that when I’m old, I’m that bitter. I mean, if you can’t just screw with people willy-nilly at that age, what was it all for? I’m very much looking forward to sitting on the porch with the shotgun — “get off my lawn, you damn kids!” They truly are the golden years.