How often do you have fantasies about Alison Brie?
Dan Harmon: All right, come on. I will say, in terms of wardrobe, Annie’s got my number, but I’m a redhead man, and I’m with the love of my life, which means most of my fantasies involve her with other people, because I absolutely hate myself.
What’s Alison Brie smell like?
I’m going to do you a huge favor and tell you she smells like farts. It’s not true, but it will help you get through your day. If you find out she smells like a botanical garden, it’s harder to live without her, right?
If you were to direct a porn film, what would the storyline be?
A mysterious gas cloud of alien origin envelopes the Earth, turning all womens’ hair red. Like season 1 Scully red. The gas cloud also has a sterilization effect on all the men, except for one fat writer with a small wiener. Women, however, discover they are able to retain their fertility by dressing like it’s 1986, and the salvation of the species begins in a giant room lined with black fur.
I saw your Instragram picture with Mitchell Hurwitz. Is this a hint that you may have an Arrested cameo?
I asked him if I could tweet the pic and he said yes but I won’t say anything else, other than: I was on the set of Arrested and I met Mitch Hurwitz, who hugged me and acted like it was cool for HIM that I was there, and we talked smack about network politics and it was a dream come true. He is as cool and smart as you’d imagine him to be. The thing that took me by surprise is that he’s not a 500 pound, pock-marked bald guy with squirrels in his beard, because I would imagine that his level of talent would involve that kind of body. But wouldn’t you know, he’s not only a genius, he’s also spry and adorable. The more I think about it, the more I realize it made me feel like shit to meet him. Just kidding. It was awesome.
Are you attached to a Community movie script at all? Would you do it if you were asked?
Depends on a lot of variables. Justin Lin would have to direct and whenever they came to the set, everyone from Sony would have to wear special hats shaped like dicks.
If the show invited you back in any capacity would you take it? Or would it be hard to not have the final say? Also who would win in a fist fight between all the cast?
I’ll answer the last part first: I feel like Joel would come out swinging and start winning right away, but he’d tire himself out chasing Gillian and Donald around the ring. Once Joel got to his exhaustion point, things would get bloody and ugly for a while, with Danny doing a lot of horrible things that nobody knew he could do – I just have that sense that Danny would suddenly bust out a crazy eyeball eating maneuver he learned in some class – but in the end, Yvette would reveal that she had lined the whole room with explosives and she would emerge victorious. From the room. But Chevy would be behind the door with a bat and take her out. Then he’d collapse because that’s a lot of bat swinging for a legend his age. So I guess Alison would win because nobody would have felt good about punching her.
It wouldn’t do the show or me any good to be invited back to the show in “any capacity.” If they thought I was bad at being in charge, they’d be even more disappointed in my ability to be not-in-charge. I’m a zero-sum personality with very little staff writing experience. I like to create stuff and if people don’t like it I like to try to figure out how to make it better but I’m not great at helping other people make their stuff. Nobody wants Dan Harmon prowling the hallways while they’re trying to make Community. It would slow everything down and frustrate everyone because people would feel obligated to mince words and be political in their handling of my opinions and blah blah blah. So no.
Speaking of that fist fight, Harmon later remembered that Jim Rash would have to be figured into it: