Why Netflix’s Decision to Release All Episodes of ‘Arrested Development’ At Once Is Terrible for America

There’s been a lot of talk about Netflix’s decision to release all 13 episodes of Arrested Development simultaneously next spring. Many are complimenting Netflix on their decision, noting how amazing it will be to be able to watch roughly six hours of new Arrested Development episodes in one breathtakingly, swallow-your-tongue hilarious marathon binge. Me? I’m wondering why Netflix HATES America.

Knowing that there are 13 brand-new episodes of Arrested Development available on Netflix is the worst thing that can happen to this fine country. Who wants to be the last person in the workplace to see those layered, meticulously-crafted episodes? Who wants to spend untold days or weeks hearing all those brilliant new Arrested Development quotes from co-workers? Imagine all the animated GIFs the Internet will produce, spoiling hundreds of punchlines to those who haven’t yet seen the series. How will the American workplace contend?

By calling in sick, of course. That’s exactly what Liz Shannon Miller and million of other Americans plan to do.

Right now, according to all the highly respected fear-mongering news pundits, the American economy is teetering on the brink of a double-dip recession. Our unemployment rate is dangerously high, and as a result, fewer American workers are asked to do more work. In terms of workplace productivity, every day matters. Sick days already cost the average American company $1,000 per year PER employee. American companies lose 2.8 million workdays per year due to unplanned absences.

Now, we have to ask ourselves, what would happen to the American economy if millions of people across this great country of ours all called in sick on the same day? We’re going to find out on the day that Arrested Development is released. According to a made-up statistic, unplanned absences on that day are expected to increase 500 percent. Productivity is expected to plummet. The cost to employers is expected to be in the BILLIONS of dollars. The economy will crater, ultimately resulting in massive layoffs, a staggering rise in the unemployment rate, and potentially, nation-wide famine.

Netflix will be blamed for pushing America back into a deep, dark recession that we may never recover from.

How do we solve this problem? Neither of the presidential candidates have yet weighed in on the matter, as they are too busy discussing important issues like whether Mitt Romney’s casual joke about Obama’s birth certificate makes him a birther or whether Barack Obama is in love with his own voice. However, I have the perfect solution. In fact, the first presidential candidate to propose my solution will automatically win my vote.

My solution is this: Arrested Development Day. We’re not yet sure exactly what day the episodes will be released, but as soon as Netflix marks it on their calendar, Congress should take immediate action. Make it a federal holiday. All workplaces will be closed, except for technical support at Netflix and select pizza delivery joints. No one should be allowed to watch Arrested Development first. Every American has the right to watch it simultaneously. This is our chance to UNITE. Arrested Development could bring our country together. We will put all of our petty differences aside for the sake of comedy.

Come on, people. Start your petitions and your Facebook pages. Write your Congressmen. Let’s make this happen. Do it for the Bluths. But more importantly, DO IT FOR AMERICA.