(We outsourced today’s entry to a hardcore Twilight fan who asked us to call her Twiright4Rob69.)
The Daily Show (Comedy Central, 11 p.m.) — OMGGG CAN YOU BELIEVE MY ROBERT IS GOING TO B ON TV TONIGHT? I HOPE HE CALLS OUT THAT WHORE, WHO I, LIKE, CAN’T EVEN SPEAK HER NAME ANYMORE AND TELLS THE WORLD HOW MUCH OF CHEATING BITCH SHE IS AND I HATE HER. I SO REGRET HAVING “BELLA” TAT2D WHERE MY BOOBIES WILL BE NEXT YEAR.
/regrets letting Twiright4Rob69 do this, tries closing her laptop, covered in “I <3 Boys Who Sparkle" stickers
Bachelor Pad (ABC, 8 p.m.) — Um, HELLO. Ugh. I guess u don’t care about what really matters. Where was I b4 u interrupted me? O, yea, Bachelor Pad. THAT’S WHERE MY BOO’S GOING TO BE UNTIL HE MEETS ME. I’ve, like, sent him gifts and showed up outside his, y’know, address at [EDITED], but he’s just playing it kewl.
Hotel Hell (Fox, 8 p.m.) — Series premiere. ALSO KNOWN AS WHEREVER THAT SLUT IS.
Grimm (NBC, 10 p.m.) — Season premiere. SUCH a Twilight rip-off. I mean, whose heard of this Grimm guy??????? He’s no Eleazar. Here are 84 reasons why…
Intervention (A&E, 9 p.m.) — Sorry about that, folks. Last time we put a freelancing ad on www.idletrobertsuckme.com. Anyway, Intervention is now in its 13th season, so it’s time for them to shake things up and do an episode about an alcoholic.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Michelle Obama and Gabby Douglas on Leno; David Duchovny, Jeff Ross, and Alabama Shakes on Kimmel; Jeff Daniels on Ferguson; Meredith Vieira and Big Ang on Fallon; and fun. on Colbert.