We learned about the appeal of woodworking:
bugzzzz: What about woodworking appeals most to you? Do you woodwork with friends?
Nick Offerman: The moments of truth in woodworking:
1) When you flood your finished wood with oil, and the grain, color and figure jump out like a visual lung-full of opium smoke (so I’ve read).
2) When the piece you have wrought comes into use. The canoe, the table, the canoe paddle, the pipe, the cribbage board…. when you rest your steak and your whiskey upon the table you have made, you feel pretty goddamn tall for keeping those treats off the ground..
Nick Offerman: Woodworking is a largely isolated pursuit, but it’s very gratifying to do it communally, whilst AROUND other woodworkers, so you can all put your heads together when one person has a puzzle to solve. I love puzzles. I love my community of woodworkers, both in my shop in LA, in NY, and all of my new pals from the world of Fine Woodworking Magazine across the country and AROUND THE WORLD.
[Editorial Note: He loves puzzles? Are those anything like riddles?]
We learned about the nature of various woods and their proficiency for cudgeling vegetarians:
bigwillFTW: Nick, I watched in awe your web video in which you built a canoe and must say that it’s quite impressive. My question is simple, whats your favorite type of wood to work with, and why?
Nick Offerman: It’s difficult to name a favorite wood. They are all so noble, each with its own special characteristics.
Oak is mighty and dense, for the hull of your square-rigged sailing ship, but also, when quarter-sawn, its medullary rays can make your library table sing with erudition. Maple and Birch are creamy and many colored, like a delicious bowl of only Lucky Charms marshmallows. Cedar and Redwood are lightweight but extremely high in tensile strength, rendering them perfect for boatbuilding in the smaller classes of watercraft. Bamboo (a grass) makes nature’s bong. Walnut (esp. California Claro) is my gold standard for depth of figure, strength, beauty, and workability. Ash and Hickory, straight-grained and true, make excellent bludgeons, dandy for the cudgeling of vegetarians.
We learned about his favorite woodworking achievement:
zroy33: I know you are a master woodworker, and I was just wondering what is your favorite piece you have ever made? And what is the most intricate?
Nick Offerman: So far, the answer to both questions is the same: My first canoe, Huckleberry. In case anyone wants to grow quickly bored by tables and boats, please avail yourself of: www.offermanwoodshop.com
We learned Offerman is not a fan of libraries:
LibRAWRian: I work with your sister (literally, my username should confirm this for you). Is there any truth to the stories about you at family dinners, refusing to eat your tuna casserole, which always ended in you “crying like a little bitch”? Her words not mine.
Nick Offerman: I have no sister. After that bit of whistle-blowing. BACK TO THE LIBRARY WITH YOU!
Sir_Walter_Dibs: I used to work in a library and always loved the portrayal of libraries on Parks and Rec. I was wondering why Parks and Recreation chose to hate such an institution
Nick Offerman: Libraries are horrible and the people who work in them, with the exception of Shirley Jones, are the scum of the earth. Book-peddling, cum-belching street whores. Is, I think, the reason.
CubbyRed: That’s it – I’m quitting my library job on Tuesday.
Nick Offerman: If my AMA can get just ONE library (p-tooey!) employee to quit, then I have done my job.
He’s not a fan of Veggie Grills either:
kennethreitz: I saw you while I was eating last week at Veggie Grill in Hollywood. Should I have come over and said hi?
Nick Offerman: That’s a goddamn lie.
poktanju: You must be mistaken. In no way, shape or form would he patronize a business so poorly named.
Nick Offerman: I concur. “The Veggie Grill” is like “The Eunuch Whorehouse”
Naggers123: Eunuch Whorehouse is what I’m calling my library from now on.
We learned more about the moustache:
Tyler182: How much can your mustache bench press?
Nick Offerman: 114 lbs. of wife.
We learned what’s he’s building in those Conan sketches:
JakeLunn: What exactly are you building in the “Nick Offerman reads tweets from young female celebrities” sketch?
Nick Offerman: I’m building character, young man. Watch it in slo-mo, you can see my hit points accumulate. And yes, that Forstner bit on the drill press is vorpal. Carbon Steel plus one, my bitches.
We learned about what won’t kill Nick Offerman:
sterlingarcher0069: Have you ever eaten a turf ‘n turf?
Nick Offerman: Have you ever eaten a fatal amount of beef? I have not.
I want more like this!
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