"What's an apocalypse?" asks "Chubbs" or "Pumpkin" or "Spittlebunk" during a recent episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, TLC's reality show about Alana "Honey Boo Boo" Thompson, a seven-year-old beauty show contestant who spits out catchphrases the way her maybe-dad "Sugar Bear" does tobaccy into Gatorade bottles. Well, "Geechford," the answer is: what you want to happen after watching eight episodes of this show.
We've done our best to ignore the ridiculously highly-rated Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, and honestly, I hadn't even watched an episode until last night. But I had to give it a shot. Why? My pig Betsy ate my Garth Brooks's Greatest Hits cassette and I had nothing else better to do. The experience can be described thusly: %&^&&^&**!&$*. To call it a train wreck would be an insult to trains and wrecks -- it's like watching The Truman Show, if Truman had slept with his mom, got her pregnant, then slept with their child and his mom's sister in an oily threesome, got them both knocked up...and so on, until BOOM: incestuous family. Also, everyone's fat.
To let you share in my encounter, presented by hog fat and toilet paper, I've put together a scrapbook of dialogue captions that Honey Boo Boo employs, despite the fact that everyone on the show speaks English. Well, "English." Let's meet "Mama," shall we? Y'all don't come back now, y'hear!
And here are a bunch of other notable Honey Boo Boo moments:
I bet that boy in the tux gets so much pageant ass.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/679/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/04/TLC1-1343750947-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/04/buscemi-tattoo-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/03/RATS-NO-NOPE-JESUS-CHRIST-NOPE-150x150.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/02/armisen-150x150.png)
Man, I could feel my IQ…..do…….sumpthin bad whil…….lukin at picherzzzz……….huhhuhhuhhuhhuh…poopoo…………..
UGH It’s happening to me too!!!!! HYUK! HYUK! *fart noises*
Three slides. I made it through three slides before I started going cross-eyed with anger. It’s like the worst parts of a Mississippi Wal-Mart.
I read that a second time with the voice of Norm MacDonald in mind, and it was awesome.
It’s like the worst parts of a Mississippi Wal-Mart.
I was in a Wal-Mart in Alabama last year, and I couldn’t understand why the aisles were so wide.
Until I passed the fifth fucking lardass moving around the store in a Rascal Scooter.
The sad thing is, these people probably make 10 times what I make in a year for that tv show. Makes college seem well worth the effort…
They reportedly get $4,000/episode–as a family, not each–most likely in canned raccoon. So $50K a year or so make you feel any better?
A little, but it’s still waaaay too much to be paying people to prove evolution can work in reverse.
And considering the ratings this shitstorm is getting (urge to kill……rising), they are getting ripped off badly by getting paid just $4,000 an episode.
How many of these did you make up?
Over / Under set at 9
Over
So wrong.
I made it to 18 and then my brain started…started….started……
OBAMA IS A MUSLIM! IT’S ADAM AND EVE NOT ADAM AND STEVE!
JK, you shold start posting articles with picutres like this more toward the end of the work day, not so much during lunch hour. That way, after a long day of working hard and stressin, I can reflect upon stuff like this and feel great about myself, but ultimately sad about the rest of America.
also, i like to eat during my lunch hour, thanks!
BRB, joining Al-Qaeda since American is clearing doomed.
*America *clearly. SEE, THE EDUCATION SYSTEM HAS ALREADY FAILED!
This slideshow was almost as disappointing as figuring out what Gangnam style was.
Remember the end of Lost, when the Smoke Monster wanted to put out that magic light at the centre of the island? The light that represented all the good of humanity?
This show is the Smoke Monster.
Having never actually watched the show (because I enjoy life), I find it sad to confirm the assertion I saw on SNL that they do in fact need subtitles despite speaking english.
That’s the funniest part to me. I mean, I can get subtitling a non-American speaking English, but that’s fantastic.
They don’t speak English, they speak ‘Merican.
Josh, are you just trolling us at this point?
Not a joke, not made up, absolutely true story: at slide 13 I had a shooting pain in my right temple.
After scrolling through those, my penis is officially now just for show.
I think we need some terrorists to fly some planes into the southern United States.
Wow that’s a lot of terlet paper!
I think some The Ring shit is going to happen to me after looking at #16.
#31: Is “Smexy” some sort of Frankenstein word that’s a combination of “smegma” and sexy?” Because that’s what I got from it.
Smelly sexy?
I hate you for being part of the problem and none of the solution.
If Romney wants to win he just needs to run an ad of these people and tell us they’re on welfare. That’d make me vote GOP.
Sadly, they probably make a comfortable living by letting someone film their train-wreck of a life.
Please, no more.
A Honey Boo Boo AND Kardashian post in the same day?
This is the darkest timeline.
THERE’S 42 OF THESE! KILL IT ALL WITH FIRE!!!!!
Woot! #HumanThumb!
I watched 3 hours of that last night. I couldn’t look away and today I have the strangest compulsion to speak like a redneck.
If you find Jeff Foxworthy funny, please see your doctor.
Pfft. Like people who find Jeff Foxworthy funny ever go see a doctor.
Doctors is fags who use book-learnin.
This makes “Jersey Shore” look like “Nova”.
The real reason Jersey Shore was cancelled…she ate them.
I can’t believe they’ve already made action figures of Mama and Honey Boo-Boo.
Nice work, Kenner.
Actually Otto, I have more respect for Jabba and his little buddy. Well played none the less!
Anyone remember the days when TLC stood for The Learning Channel?
Ugh…
It still does but now its Tha Lernin Channul.
This is the kind of crap that keeps me from being a racist. Master Race my ass!!!! (and I’m white as it gets).
Ugly and uneducated people are not limited to the white race, but you do make a valid point. If this show had premiered in 1938, it could’ve saved millions of lives.
Hitler: The white man is superior to all!
(*Goebbels shows him Honey Boo Boo*)
Hitler: Is that real?… No way that’s real… It is?… Ok, then. Never mind.
‘Zactly. It’s amazing how these inbred shitsacks think they’re the real ‘muricans that make this country great. I am very, and uniquely, prejudiced against individuals that bring my race down. I think the world might be a bit better if all cultures felt the same way and acted accordingly.
/crap, did I get serious for a moment? Promise, will never happen again!
The bacon one did me in. I pictured a redneck remake of Cat’s Eye and slipped into the whitest Redd Foxx impression ever.
You guys hate all you want… but the Mom playing Kevin is one of the best things about the office.