Taio Cruz Will Appear On ’90210′ And Probably Sing That One Song

This may or may not be Taio Cruz. I am taking Shutterstock at their word on this one.

According to the good folks at TV Line, British rapper Taio Cruz will appear as himself in the 100th episode of The CW’s updated version of 90210. Talk about ***DYNAMITE*** news, right guys? RIGHT?

Playing himself, Cruz will perform at a West Beverly High School alumni homecoming event thrown at the infamous Playboy Mansion. As previously reported, Denise Richards and Carmen Electra have also been tapped to guest-star in the special installment, which is said to be a nostalgic treat for longtime fans. [TV Line]

I have thought about this news for a solid 20 minutes, and outside of the fact that I am totally blown away (like, with DYNAMITE. I am great at jokes) that this show has reached 100 episodes, I have no literally no opinion about any of it. None. So, instead, I would like to take this opportunity to remind you how stupid the lyrics to “Dynamite” are.

Let’s break them down, shall we?

I-I-I-I-I-I
I came to dance, dance, dance, dance

OK. I’m on board so far.

I hit the floor ’cause that’s my plans, plans, plans, plans

Still hanging in there, barely. Although your “plans” being to “hit the floor” was kind of implied by the “I came to dance, dance, dance, dance” line, but whatever. Let’s keep it moving.

I’m wearing all my favorite brands, brands, brands, brands

Now you’re pushing it. I mean, great. I’m happy for you. But rappers typically mention specific brands, not just a general shout out. Be descriptive, you know? This is like saying “I’m super rich so I jumped in my car. It is a car. I use it to drive places because it is a car.”

But again, I’ll let it slide.

Give me some space for both my hands, hands, hands, hands

Stop it. Stop it right now. “Space for both my hands, hands, hands, hands”? What does that even mean? Where? Is the floor so crowded that there is literally no space for them? If so, does this mean everyone is dancing with their hands in their pockets? God I hope so, although someone should probably call the fire marshal. It sounds like the club is pretty packed. Remember what happened at that Great White show? Safety first is all I’m saying.

Or are you talking about some girl you’re dancing with, begging her to give you some space on her body where you can place your hands? If this is the case, what is going on with the rest of her body that you can’t fit your hands on her? Are there, like, zillions of other dudes grabbing up on her and you can’t find an exposed piece of flesh? That’s probably assault, Taio. Either that or you need to watch out for that girl, because she seems a little fast, if you know what I mean. Think of what your mom would say.

Or, and I’m just throwing this out there, did you write this whole song in 30 seconds on a cocktail napkin and just slap down the laziest lyrics you could think of knowing that people are stupid and would probably go batsh-t over it as long as you tossed in a “AYO” here and there and told them to put their hands up?

Nah, it’s probably the first thing. Know where the exits are, buddy. Can’t be too careful.

Lyrics via

Photo credit: Featureflash / Shutterstock.com