5. Louis C.K. — In our fictional world, Louis C.K’s show gets 25 million viewers a week, and the show’s budget is $5 million a week. In fact, major feature film directors like David Fincher have directed a few episodes. Unfortunately, there are only 10 episodes per year because Louis C.K. is so busy with his sold out stand-up tours, which are simulcast in movie theaters nationwide. Masturbation is still America’s most popular past time.
4. Aaron Paul — In our fictional world, Breaking Bad is on Showtime, its final season is currently airing uninterrupted, and Aaron Paul is this universe’s Ryan Gosling, one of the more popular feature film actors in Hollywood. Breaking Bad is also the highest rated drama on television, and 20 percent of the show’s monster profits go to support clinics that treat meth addicts.
3. Jon Hamm — In our fictional world, Jon Hamm is similar to the Jon Hamm in the real world, only much, much richer. Also, the Greatest Event in Television History received Super Bowl-like ratings on Adult Swim, Hamm frequents on 30 Rock, and he hosts Saturday Night Live once a month, where Charlie Day used to be a cast member.
2. Timothoy Olyphant — In our fictional world, cowboy hats are one of the nation’s most popular accessories, thanks to Justified, Winona was killed off the show two seasons ago, Timothy Olyphant is nominated for an Emmy every year (but always loses out to the top choice here), and Olyphant spends his time between seasons being an actual trigger-happy U.S. Marshall. Fugitive escapes in the United States are down 90 percent.
1. Bryan Cranston — In our fictional world, Bryan Cranston is the highest paid actor — television or movies — in America. He makes $123 million a year; he stars one of Dan Harmon’s other brilliant sitcom during the Breaking Bad hiatus; and he directs feature films over the summer. The Walter White character also has a line of clothing; action figures; and there’s a Walter White toy in every McDonald’s Happy Meal that speaks. It says, “THIS FOOD IS THE DANGER.” Vince Gilligan is also the highest paid showrunner on television, and Breaking Bad reruns air every night on TBS.
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Ashton Kutcher is the highest paid actor on TV?
ASHTON KUTCHER?!
I HATE EVERYTHING.
Yeah, I ripped up my drama degree after reading that, then yelled at my parents for not being taller and better looking.
I’m more furious about Tim Allen being on that list. That man is useless.
At least when I hear Tim Allen I think Home Improvement, The Santa Clause, and the questionable taste of my youth. Ashton Kutcher conjures up Punk’d, trucker hats, and every douche bag I’ve ever known in my life.
If not for the puppy story that just got posted, that Kutcher news would have literally ruined my day.
I thought Britta was the worst, but it’s clear CBS is the granddaddy of being the worst.
White Boom Boom, let’s hold each other (with our drama degrees) and cry together.
The fact that someone named Fister Roboto wants to share a cry with me might be the highlight of my day is either awesome or wants me to cry even more.
Tim Allen was in Galaxy Quest. He wins.
I want to go to there.
Please take me with you.
Take us ALL with you.
Dinklage got hosed.
I’m going to block out reality and go with your list. So much better. Ashton Kutcher, how in the fuck?
Because 2.5 Men makes like .5 a billion dollars in advertisements so they can toss stupid money at stupid actors because stupid people watch it and willing to buy stupid products.
Can we just kill anyone who ever watched this show so that they don’t infect the rest of society and never reporduce. Middle America (I assume middle america watches this CBS sitcom garbage) is the worst.
@ phisherman- Nice of you to assume everyone in middle America watches crap.
No Jt, not everyone in middle America watches rap… Most people who watch crap are in middle america.
Doesn’t most of the US live on the east or west coast? Nice generalization. It’s like saying you’re a hipster from the Northeast, redneck from the South or a douche from the West Coast
For the first time ever someone has created a list on the internet that I 100% agree with.
Bourbon and hookers for everyone. Hurrah!!!
Also, extra Kudos points for never mentioning anyone from Modern Family. I hope that little asian girl goes full on VC on that entire cast one day.
Manny should have to pay us money per episode.
Asston Kutcher making $24 Million is CRAZY. But Tim Allen making $14 Million is FUCKING INSANE.
What the fuck is he doing to make 14 million per year? Did someone miss a decimal point somewhere? 1.4 million would still be too much given his talent level, but shit I could at least overlook that amount.
That’s a lot of Chevrolet Commercials. I’m surprised they haven’t gone insolvent again at that rate.
The post says most of that money comes from Home Improvement royalties, and Home Improvement was a pretty huge hit in its time… so I guess reruns pay really well.
No Adam Scott? I can’t really complain about anyone on the list, but I LOVED Party Down and he’s great on Parks and Rec. And he was one half of the Greatest Event in Television History with Hamm. If he doesn’t belong in the top 10, then he’s a very solid 11.
I also assume that in our Perfect World, CBS doesn’t exist, right?
Correct. But “The Good Wife” is on Skinimax.
Except on NFL Sundays.
I can’t picture Charlie Day as baller rich. If I saw him driving a Ferrari it’d make my head blow up. He belongs in a beat up 1996 Chevy Caprice
Timothoy Olyphant deserves to be on this list also because of Deadwood.
Wait, why would Comic-Con be in Qualcomm? You do know that would give them less space than the Convention Center, right?
I assume he meant for Hall H events.
Honorable mention to Adam Pally (Max on Happy Endings). If nothing else, he deserves it for nailing the Chicago accent.
+1
Winona killed off? Get bent Rowles.
Let them have their fun. It’ll just make it funnier when Ava’s killed off in the series finale….by sniper Tim.
In my fictional world Jim Parsons is a waiter in French Lick, Indiana. Jon Cryer is doing an off Broadway one man show as Willie Lomax. Tim Allen died of a cocaine overdose in the early 90′s. Alec Baldwin was shot by Kim Jong Il in North Korea. Ashton Kutcher is a male model, which means mis-shapen ball of clay.
I thought he already was a ball of clay?
Hugh Laurie deserves to be on Both Lists sirs. For he is the grown up Dinklage.
Does Tim Allen make 14 million a year off of Chevy and Pure Michigan commercials? Incredible. Unlike other comments on here though, I love me some Tim Allen. Tim Taylor was like my second father.
he has that awful show on ABC with Bernice Hufnagel
It’s because of royalties.
I love this list. Extra credit for being the only article on the internet that lists the best anything on television and doesn’t include Arrested Development. Bravo, sir.
Not even the news of puppies warming a kid with down syndrome can take away the sadness of the actual list.
Okay, that’s a HUGE lie, but still, fuck Ashton Kutcher.
Dinklage all the way!
And then everything we love in this fantasy world is turned upside down, because the internet is nothing if not anti-populist. We all love the dumb pretty boy antics of a one-show actor named Ashton Kutcher, because he’s the perfect mockery of the internet nerd’s archenemy, the jock. Peter Dinklage, Bryan Cranston, and Aaron Paul become the new Happy Madison crew that we all loathe, with about 30 feature films a year featuring some combination of them, and all following some at-first-new-and-exciting-but-now-its-generic-and-stale formula. Cats and dogs live together. Mass hysteria.
The folly of man is wanting more of what he likes until he realizes that having more means liking it less. That’s Twilight Zone 101 stuff, baby.
Citizen Kane Clap.
That’s pretty damn deep.
Sooo… how come they’re all white guys?
White guys are amazing.
Because Tina Fey is funnier at $0.70 per Dollar.
C’mon, you know why…
How the hell is Ray Romano still making that much money when his show’s been off the air for 7 years?
At least Tim Allen and Ashton Kutcher have shows currently on the air.
Although, Tim Allen’s show is exactly like Home Improvement except he has daughters instead of sons.
How does one pull that scam off where you can pitch the exact same show twice in 20 years and get paid millions and millions of dollars?
See every Seth McFarlane show and the bulk of family sitcoms from the 70s and 80s. They all spawned from the same goddamn show like a hoard of inbred mountain people!
Am I the only one who HATES the Big Bang Theory and thinks Jim Parsons is a HORRIBLE actor? Watching him is worse than fingernails on a chalk board or eating a bowl of hair or thinking of a family member naked. But I’m not sure who I want to punch more in the face, Parsons or Ashton Kutcher. But I do have two hands, so I guess i could do both – why choose? And Parsons actually won an Emmy? You know Hollywood is rigged if that happened.
Parsons >>>>>. Kutcher
Then again, who isn’t?
He’s restricted by the “script” which is whatever they wrote on the napkins that day
Awesome list, but I would humbly submit Benedict Cumberbatch and/or Martin Freeman. Not only because Sherlock is the shit, but also so people know we are fucking intelligent and get our BBC on.
No fucking way is Ashton Kutcher getting that much. This is why people go on rampages or start Marxist revolutions. Because of shit like this.
I couldn’t agree more with Olyphant. FX’s Justified (based on an Elmore Leonard character) is the most underrated QUALITY show on television. How Olyphant was left off the Emmy and Golden globe nominees hard to fathom; one can only think that it is the lack of publicity of the show as a whole on the part of FX. Or perhaps he’s hindered by his good looks?
I WANT TO LIVE IN THIS WORLD.
The only one of those that is respectable is Louis C.K. The others are just flavour-of-the-month types :\
Flavour of the mouth???
Gay day Gay Day Gay day!
Well if he looks alike something out of Middle Earth and has not a view on what is on his lap….had gotta be. Hobbits choice!
Has no one heard of James Mcavoy, Denzel Washington or any of the excellent female acresses we see in films today? Jennifer Lawrence? Martin Freeman? I’m not saying all these white male actors between the ages of 30 and 50 aren’t top quality… oh wait, that’s exactly what I’m saying.