5. Louis C.K. — In our fictional world, Louis C.K’s show gets 25 million viewers a week, and the show’s budget is $5 million a week. In fact, major feature film directors like David Fincher have directed a few episodes. Unfortunately, there are only 10 episodes per year because Louis C.K. is so busy with his sold out stand-up tours, which are simulcast in movie theaters nationwide. Masturbation is still America’s most popular past time.
4. Aaron Paul — In our fictional world, Breaking Bad is on Showtime, its final season is currently airing uninterrupted, and Aaron Paul is this universe’s Ryan Gosling, one of the more popular feature film actors in Hollywood. Breaking Bad is also the highest rated drama on television, and 20 percent of the show’s monster profits go to support clinics that treat meth addicts.
3. Jon Hamm — In our fictional world, Jon Hamm is similar to the Jon Hamm in the real world, only much, much richer. Also, the Greatest Event in Television History received Super Bowl-like ratings on Adult Swim, Hamm frequents on 30 Rock, and he hosts Saturday Night Live once a month, where Charlie Day used to be a cast member.
2. Timothoy Olyphant — In our fictional world, cowboy hats are one of the nation’s most popular accessories, thanks to Justified, Winona was killed off the show two seasons ago, Timothy Olyphant is nominated for an Emmy every year (but always loses out to the top choice here), and Olyphant spends his time between seasons being an actual trigger-happy U.S. Marshall. Fugitive escapes in the United States are down 90 percent.
1. Bryan Cranston — In our fictional world, Bryan Cranston is the highest paid actor — television or movies — in America. He makes $123 million a year; he stars one of Dan Harmon’s other brilliant sitcom during the Breaking Bad hiatus; and he directs feature films over the summer. The Walter White character also has a line of clothing; action figures; and there’s a Walter White toy in every McDonald’s Happy Meal that speaks. It says, “THIS FOOD IS THE DANGER.” Vince Gilligan is also the highest paid showrunner on television, and Breaking Bad reruns air every night on TBS.