As Danger noted on Twitter last night, the last couple of weeks of December must be hell on people who hate lists. With that said, I’ve intentionally shied away from posting any listicles so as to not overload you guys with them — lord knows we’ve done our share at this point.
But there’s one area where my desire to shy away from posting any listicles has been overcome by my desire to vent some deep, burning hate: annoying, awful TV commercials. We’ve already celebrated the good ones, and there were SO MANY terrible ones out there, right? And is it just me or do the worst ones seem to run the longest? UGH! Imagine how awful it would be if we didn’t have DVRs to fast forward through them much of the time! I might have killed myself by now. Anyway, on with the hate…
10. Cottonelle Care Routine
Look, if you and your ad people can’t come up with a clever term for the act of wiping one’s ass and then passing a wet wipe over the butthole for extra measure in an effort to sell more of your products, don’t turn to us for help.
9. Progressive Superstore
Any commercial involving Flo the Progressive Insurance lady is pretty difficult to stomach. Now that the world knows just how terrible Progressive is, her squawking is even more hate-inspiring.
8. Geiko “Can’t Stop”
Every time I see this commercial I hold out hope that something will change and the stupid gecko will get splattered by a cyclist on the Brooklyn Bridge. So much to hate here, but mainly the dumb lizard alternating between a terrible Aussie accent (“Come off it, mate”) and an even more terrible New York one (“This is New Yawk!”).
7. Taxmasters
There are a gazillion scary ads being run by accounting firms claiming they can solve all your tax problems, but none were as ubiquitous as the Taxmasters ads featuring the company’s bloated, bearded, terrifying CEO, Patrick Cox. However, you probably haven’t seen Cox on the air in a while after a jury slammed Taxmasters with a close to $200 million penalty judgment for deceptive practices in a civil case earlier this year. Good riddance.
6. American Advisors Group (AAG) Reverse Mortgages
Speaking of scams, Fred Thompson pushing “reverse mortgages” on old people just reeks of one, doesn’t it?
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Also acceptable at No. 1 would have been the CitiBank “Footloose” commercials because that guy needs to be fires into the sun.
Agreed.
up until the footloose bit, I liked him. you can always tell when the campaign runs out of gas.
True. It wouldn’t have been awful after just one, but they made multiple versions of it. As if people were like, “Wow, this is relevant!”
Also, this was the worst.
worst in the way that it follows apple’s general marketing, and advertises a product’s feature? while not using obnoxious characters, bad jokes, cover songs, or repetitive catch phrases? yeah… worst.
My sincerest apologies for insulting your favorite commercial, Mr. Jobs.
Annoying, but nowhere near as bad as any number of insurance company commercials.
wait, wait, wait. No Honda Pilot “crazy train” commercial? Or the Klondike “5 seconds to glory?” What about all these Wendy’s commercials? How does that redhead eat fast food at seemingly every opportunity and not become as bloated as the real Wendy?
She’s shooting those ads on a treadmill.
All of those were considered. There could only be ten.
it would seem that we are living in the golden age of bad commercials.
So the Lexus holiday commercials with the fucking bows and that god awful music that gets in your head and won’t leave weren’t considered because they’re on every year, right? RIGHT?
Look, Honey! I got you three years of payments after which you won’t own anything!
Also, the Corona “crushed it” douche commercial is pretty bad.
Uhh… that commercial rules, bro.
I had to watch that ad over and over again. It just solidified my hatred of Corona.
you beat me to it! that was on during baseball so much. i wanted ryan howard to ride in on his jazzy scooter and “crush” that guys brains in.
Amen. Makes me think of Drew Magary. Crushed it, then I slayed some pussy brah.
Has anyone else seen those Blue Tax commercials with the creepy/crappily-animated CGI mascot? Holy cow, I cannot believe that someone paid for those and airs them regularly.
The problem here is that there are so many smaller scale commercials that we could include along these lines. Like, the General Insurance commercials are so horrible.
True, true. We have a local car dealership that does TURRIBLE commercials, including one where the guy shouts in a vaguely racist “ghetto” voice and references “Don’t tase me, bro!” about 100 years too late. But all local car commercials are just varying degrees of awful.
The General Insurance spots are at least done on the cheap. Some of this crap had a high production budget and still sucks ass. The biggest problem with the TV advertising business is that marketing people still think they’re cool. They aren’t, and they aren’t going to reach target consumers by thinking they know what the kids are saying these days.
I was wondering how long it would until someone mentioned The General. The CGI in those commercials is astoundingly bad.
Where do you live, Patty Boots? There are plenty of bad commercials in Houston. A personal favorite of mine was “Suits U”, a men’s clothing store that looked like the kind of place where pimps would go to buy their wardrobes.
The Bohemian Rhapsody spoken-word commercials are the most annoying commercials of the century. I’ll never take another dump in the Cosmopolitan ever again.
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I love that Fred Thompson quit his 2008 presidential campaign bid because it required too much effort.
I actually went to an appearance he made early in his aborted campaign, just because we don’t get a lot of that where I am. He stepped out of his bus, spent a few minutes describing how he was just like Reagan, and then fell asleep standing up.
I don’t know what the opposite of charisma is, but he’s got it.
Important Reminder: This commercial was great.
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Carfax.
*Taps fingers on nose while pointing at Drapezia*
PIIIIIZZZZAAAAA TIIIIIIIMMMME
Aww man, I love that commercial
“79NewAmerica dot com: because coming up with a unique name for our site would have cut down on the amount of cash we could scam up.”
Watch the video and count how many times they say, “And we are going to reveal that secret right now. BUT FIRST……”
I’m pretty sure I saw several different versions of that commercial, each with some bullshit-looking url like that. I wonder if any networks (or the FCC) are ethical enough to actually refuse to run that kind of scam-screaming advertisement. Somehow I imagine the FCC finds the idea of exploiting and reinforcing a viewer’s paranoia to scam them out of however much money about, say, 10% as objectionable as the sight of a lady’s nipple.
(each with a different url, that is)
Honorable mentions: dubstep tablet ads, anything Fiat, and that headphones ad that leaves a screeching “I KNOW IT’S GONNA BE, I KNOW IT’S GONNA BE, ALL RIGHT” in my head for DAYS on end.
God, the Surface ads. Thanks for not telling me anything that it does and just supplementing that with dusbtep and snapping.
Oh, definitely the Charlie Sheen Fiat ad. Because Charlie Sheen.
AND IT FEELS LIKE I AM JUST TOO CLOSE TO LOOOVE YOUUUU.
When Charlie gets out of the Fiat and looks like Bill Murray in the zombie makeup from Zombieland, I want to puke every time.
Also whatever company does that “Who here has diarrhea?” commercial.
The one on the plane and like 10 people raise their hand and the stewardess gives the medicine to one guy and shrugs at everyone else. That one is horrible and that lady should be buried in an overflowing porto-potty.
Two words: Chocolate Diamonds
Ugh, looks like someone smuggled them into the country in their ass and forgot to clean them before putting them on a ring.
No discount double check? Geico should have the top five spots on this.
Especially for those who watch Sunday Night Football online. Good god was that awful.
I gotta say those Wendy’s commercials might be the most annoying I’ve ever seen. Her friends are genuinely trying to do something and her only input is always “Let’s go to Wendys.” I would love to see the next commercial be an intervention.
Shes hot tho. would bang
@Speckinzeedouche +1
+2
Hahahaha, never thought of it that way, Tom. Good thinking. But, as Speckinzeedouche says, she is hot, and that does a lot to redeem a commercial… for a while, at least.
Plus, it’s just weird anyway, isn’t it? The real Wendy is a sort of average-looking, one might say somewhat normally overweight person without being too critical, probably a perfectly nice and decent person. So they ran commercials with her briefly, then switched to the faux Wendy, much younger and cuter. What?! Thanks, company that used to be owned by my dad.
HOLY HELL THE BACARDI COMMERCIALS THAT ARE ALL “NOBODY EVER TOLD US HISTORY ISN’T FUN.” I want to disintegrate the entire earth with my rage when I even think that 20 second piece of shit.
Also, sometimes I awaken fully clothed in the woods behind my house mutterin “how are those awful brian orakpo spot not local,” and “life has no objective meaning.”
Worst part about the guy buying a diamond necklace for the daughter is it comes off like he molested her.
Worst part about the Citi Private Pass commercial is his girlfriend broke up with him for being boring and he goes and does a bunch of things for boring people.
The Toyota “grounded to the ground” people need to die, as do the people that created it.
What about the one about pizza rolls where the kids are hungry and so fucking stupid the mom has to give them directions, including which way to turn their heads, to find the pizza rolls. She shouldve let them starve to death
LMFAO I love how the mom entertains their stupidity too “on the right” My mom would’ve responded “are you fucking serious” and then not fed us the rest of the week for being retarded.
The Papa Johns dude and Peyton Manning suck ass. LeBron eating cereal with Delonte West’s kids sucks ass. Tommy Lee Jones pimpin’ financial advisors is just weird.
The self-important, hipster bullshit that is every Sam Adams commercial.
But But!!!! The song is good rite!!!!
/hangs self.
I liked that LeBron included his kids in his ad, but what about the rest of the team? I was considering the Note 2, but it’s really too big. Settled for the s3.
On a contrary note, and I can’t remember what company it is (DirecTV?), the ones where the huge DVR screen is inconveniencing the family are pretty good. The actor that plays the father needs more real work. His delivery is priceless.
“I feel like it’s watching me walk around naked”
“At least somebody gets to *brushbrushbrushbrush*”
Also, Jack’s wife is hot.
Gillian Vigman is indeed an attractive older lady. But since her name is so unusual/hard to remember, I’m typically forced to Google “Jack in the Box’s wife” whenever she crosses my mind.
Oh, ha. Funny that you bring up a commercial that you liked and remind me of something that I’d place on my “worst” list. That guy is such a fucking tool. But I agree that the actor is good and should get more work.
C’mon, no mentions for the Liquid Plumr commercial that implies drain cleaning products make women fantasize of double penetration?
Those crack me up mostly because I didn’t know you could get away with that.
Wow.
What TH said. Also what Dennis said. Also what Troy Landry said.
Can’t believe the kid playing the theme to Beverly Hills Cop on tuba didn’t make the list.
Asians love Eddie Murphy
I hate that they wait until he’s onstage before booting everything up. Realistically, getting everything up and running would have taken longer than his song and everyone would have still missed it. Get that shit ready beforehand.
Yeah, what you said
That Taxmasters guy. The gay couple from “Modern Family.” Eh?
HAHAHAHAHA! +1
I’m astonished that Discover 5% cash back wasn’t included in here. I’ve been arrested twice (no convictions) as a direct result of those enragingly obnoxious commercials.
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There’s a fairly new Kay’s commercial where a man proposes to a woman on a plane. Who in the world would propose to someone on a freaking plane?!?
Someone who’s planning to hijack or destroy said plane.
My most hated would have to be that stupid phone commercial where a group of people are caroling “Jingle Bells, but talking shit about the guys phone service. DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP!
Those Geico cavemen are still around. I’m going to kill everything.
Between the Cavemen, the Gecko and the pig, Geico has something for everyone to hate.
Don’t forget the guys playing the bluegrass music. “Happier than a witch in a broom factory” was on every commercial break during football season.
Oh, the “happier than a witch” thing…now _I’m_ going to kill everything. As if the “whee” pig weren’t enough.
Just a little FYI. The Geico Gecko does not have an Australian accent. It’s a British accent, specifically a Cockney variant. Given that the voice artist for the adverts, Jake Wood, is from London, it’s authentic.
Mind you, I’ve discovered in my time in the States that the majority of people I’ve spoken to have difficulty differentiating between English, Australian and New Zealand accents.
Just a little FYI. Americans don’t give a fuck. You’re all limey’s to us.
*Limeys.
Yeah. I got apostrophe happy making sure I spelled you’re correctly.
Add to that the South African accent and I may agree. I am married to a “limey” and to be fair, Americans may not be the most worldly but neither are the British. I cannot tell you how many of our friends and family in the UK expressed concern over our status after Hurricane Sandy. Very sweet but we live in OREGON.
The Dulcolax commercial with the woman, looking obviously distressed by constipation, taking a laxative, and then floating in a pool chair, looking like she’s taking the most relaxing dump of her life. WTF!?!?!!! Get out of the fucking POOL!!!!
SUMMER SAVINGS DAYS. THAT BULLSHIT GREASE KNOCKOFF THAT CARRIED ON FOR ABOUT 9 STRAIGHT WEEKS, AND PLAYED DURING EVERY COMMERCIAL BREAK OF EVERY PROGRAM YOU WATCHED.
Hey Cottonelle, I call it buying Charmin and using a washcloth in warm water.
Hows about the Klondike Bar commercial where the world’s biggest knuckle-dragging asshole is rewarded for being able to listen to his girlfriend (read: sit there shaking like he’s about to shit himself) for five whole seconds. LISTENING TO WOMEN IS THE WORST GUYS NOW EAT THIS SHITTY ICE CREAM WRAPPED IN WAXY CHOCOLATE YOU FUCKING MOUTH BREATHERS
I think that one originated from last year (or very early this year), and was met with a pretty harsh reception in some corners of the internet, and I didn’t see it for many months, and then I saw it again in October or thereabouts. At any rate, YES! I want to murder the person who pitched that commercial and the guy who played the boyfriend with a rusty spoon.
The Geico gecko has a Manchester, UK accent. It’s not Aussie! Target’s Christmas commercials are the worst I’ve ever seen! Absolutely horrible!!!!!
My top 10 (bottom 10?) would include a few from this list, including 69ScrewAmerica.com (har-har), Every Progressive Commercial*, Every Geico Commercial (especially “Can’t Stop Me”)*, and Citi Private Pass**.
*Each company’s entire lineups count as a single item on the list, obviously. One of the two has one commercial that gets excepted, though, because it verbally acknowledges the fact that they run way too many commercials.
**That guy still looks colossally boring while at those things. Sorry, guy, but having money and going to things doesn’t make you exciting. You’re still boring as shit, and you should thank your lucky stars that that stone cold fox ever let you stick your stinky fucking cock inside her (presumably).
The rest of my worst 10 have all been mentioned by other commentators:
-Every Single Microsoft Commercial. It seems like they used to have decent ads, but boy howdy did they ride the shark to the moon.
-Discount double check. Because why the fuck is Aaron Rodgers involved? Why the fuck is the “belt” gesture supposed to represent some tax bullshit (or whatever)? What??
-Every Single Samuel Adams Commercial. Just bring back colonial Samuel Adams, you self-important douchebags. Don’t worry that Dave Chappelle parodied him, that only makes him cooler.
-Papa John’s. They’re perfectly mediocre commercials, but the guy’s such a tool of a conservative that they go way up/down the list.
-The DirecTV campaign with the douchey guy being a douche to his wife and son and dinner guests because his DVR is full. Oh, woe is you, man.
-The Klondike fatty who unfairly has to listen to his disproportionately attractive girlfriend talk for 5 seconds instead of just sucking on his microscopic penis 24 hours a day but it’s okay because he gets rewarded with a shitty frozen treat and probably the resumption of the constant fellatio so just hang in there buddy! Fuck that shit, seriously.
I should’ve said “dubstep the shark.”
How has no one mentioned those tone def State Farm commercials that make zero fucking sense?
That campaign was very cute and funny at first, but they’ve murdered the hell out of that joke.
Re the Citi ad: Plus, that girl clearly is not on fire. I’ve looked. And yet, every time it comes on, we hear that she is, in very loud and dramatic terms.
Citi ad YES. “Guess what, douche? You’re still boring. And now you’re in hock to Citibank for the next 30 years. Hope those Alicia Keys tickets were worth it.”
How is the Samsung Galaxy commercial not on here?
Wasn’t that Progressive story debunked as a hoax?
No lame Levi’s open mic new age beatnik poetry?
This list is strangely reassuring. I hate every one of these. Thought I was alone. But Steven Dorif’s ashless vapor cigarettes needs to be added.
I’m a licensed mortgage originator and help seniors with reverse mortgages all day every day. They aren’t right for everyone, but they’re not a scam.
Jon is the Bastard.
Side note, I actually named my daughter Arianna after Arya Stark. My husband says it’s welsh. I guess. Only problem is now everyone other girl who isn’t named Madison, Ava, or Emily is Arianna or Ariana. Shouldn’t have done more research.
WaxVac.
Also, Target Black Fridays.
I’ve been dying to post something, somewhere, anywhere, about the series of stupid AT&T commercials with the grown man sitting with a group of kids asking questions about what’s better, bigger, faster, etc… Every one of them ends with some idiot little boy acting squirrelly and rambling on in idiot little boy talk. The girls rarely talk and in one commercial the dumb grown up shushes one little girl that starts to say something because he says he’s listening to the kid who is just acting stupid. I’m not sure who thinks that is cute. Somebody apparently thinks it’s funny because they have produced more than one of these irritating commercials. I would never use AT&T services just because of those commercials. There is nothing funny or cute about these commercials. Nails on a chalkboard are more entertaining.
Fuck commercials and all their empty promises that fill your empty, fucking lives!!!
The General commercials rock. But there is an impostor (imposter?) general now. Somebody needs to investigate that fucker.