Two New Mexico Hitmen Were Hired To Kill And Castrate Justin Bieber

New Mexico seems fun. There’s the meth…and, well, that’s about it. Oh yeah: there’s also the town with no police, only a drug-sniffing dog. To sniff out the meth, you see. Like The Sopranos and New Jersey, Breaking Bad makes NM appear to be an awful place to live, to the point where I assume everyone who resides in the state is either involved in the drug world or has been near-mortally wounded by someone in the drug world.

And now real life is (somewhat) imitating Breaking Bad‘s art: two hired hitmen, who are related to one another…were recently arrested after plotting to kidnap, kill, and castrate pop star Justin Bieber. (I know we’ve all dreamed about killing a celebrity at some point, but it’s probably wise not to act on it; otherwise, Balki Bartokomous would be dead seven times over — he knows what he did.) Alas, they were nephews, not cousins, but keep Marco and Leonel Salamanca in mind while reading the details of the story.

Investigators say two would-be hit men from Albuquerque may have had their sights set on the teen mega star; Justin Bieber.

They had it planned down to the ties they were going to use to strangle to the pop star and three other people. A warning, the details are pretty graphic.

Try us.

Justin Bieber played for a sold out house just a few weeks at Madison Square Garden in New York City.

OH GOD SWAGGY BRO SOLD OUT MSG THAT’S TERRIFYING MAKE IT STOP

That’s where investigators say Mark Staake and his nephew Tanner Ruane planned to take down the teen sensation. Turns out their Bieber fever started long ago, at the state prison near Las Cruces. That’s where Staake met Dana Martin, a convicted killer serving two life sentences for raping and killing a 15-year-old girl in Vermont, in 2000.

/afraid to say anything

Martin recruited Staake who in turn recruited his nephew to carry out four murders after Staake got out of prison. Cops say Martin asked the two to first go to Vermont and take out two former acquaintances.

He gave strict orders to strangle the victims with a paisley tie, the kind Martin used as his calling card, and here is where things get grisly.

Murderer calling cards are endlessly fascinating, in the most morbid way. It’s their version of a touchdown dance; they must spend weeks deciding what to leave. Except once they start with an item, they can never go back. Once the Baha Men CD Liner Notes Killer, always the Baha Men CD Liner Notes Killer.

Tanner Ruane was in charge of castrating the victims. Martin told cops there was a bigger plot, the murder and castration of Bieber and his bodyguard. Turns out Martin is obsessed with Bieber and KRQE News 13 has learned he’s even got a tattoo of the superstar on his leg.

He’ll never beat this guy’s tattoo, though:

Staake was arrested in Vermont…

Oof. Insult to injury.

…on outstanding warrants before carrying out the killings, but his nephew was let go. Cops recorded phone calls where Ruane, who made it to NY, tells Martin he’s disappointed he couldn’t carry out the murders. New York police arrested Ruane, who had murder tools and pruning shears with him. Martin actually turned in Staake and Ruane and for some mysterious reason foiled the plot he cooked up.

COOKED, eh? I see what you did there. /walks away from computer slowly

(Via KRQE)