Sons of Anarchy (FX, 10 p.m.) — Season finale. Catch up on Dustin’s recaps, and then comment about how it feels like That Thing That Happened to That Guy That We Can’t Talk About Because Spoiler Alert Even Though You Should Have Caught Up By Now went down forever ago, to say nothing of when the season began.
Raising Hope/Ben and Kate (Fox, 8 p.m.) — I usually don’t cover What’s On Tonight on Tuesdays, so you haven’t been forced to read my dumb rambles about why everyone should be watching Raising Hope and Ben and Kate. But I’ll boil my argument down to one example: Shannon Woodward.
Happy Endings (ABC, 9 p.m.) — “Max and Dave suffer fist-bump issues.” SOLD. The episode’s called “P & P Romance Factory.” DOUBLE SOLD.
New Girl (Fox, 9 p.m.) — I could listen to Winston (who factors into tonight’s episode, when he and Jes install a bathtub in their loft, while Schmidt and Cece have The Talk) read Nick’s zombie novel, Z Is for Zombie, for the rest of the season and be happy…
The Mindy Project (Fox, 9:30 p.m.) — …just as I could watch Chris Messina play the piano near a mouse every week and never complain, the difference between the two shows being: the rest of the New Girl cast isn’t awful.
Don’t Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23 (ABC, 9:30 p.m.) — Yeah, that’s right, ABC; I got rid of the hyphens and changed the title to “BITCH.” Suck it.
The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show (CBS, 10 p.m.) — They get your guard down by seducing you with footage of beautiful women parading around in their underwear, before stealthily attacking with a “special performance by Justin Bieber.” Total swaggy bro move. Why not Bob Dylan again?
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Matt Damon and Martin Freeman on Letterman; Khloé Kardashian and Adam Carolla on Leno; Reba McEntire and Keegan-Michael Key on Ferguson; Michael Strahan and Bonnie Raitt on Fallon; Amy Poehler, Kevin Pollak, and Ke$ha on Conan; R.A. Dickey on Stewart; and Martin Freeman on Colbert.