Back in October I informed you that there were two (2) reality television programs in development — at major networks, mind you — about celebrities competing in high diving competitions. Fox aired their version earlier this month, and it was amazing, leading me to write a breathless recap of all the belly-flopping/pencil-diving goings-on. In doing so, I have (probably) become the Internet’s leading authority on stupid reality shows where C- and D-list celebrities compete in semi-dangerous competitions involving Olympic events. I am very proud.
Anyway, given my newly acquired status and expertise in this field, I feel it is my duty to inform you that ABC has announced the cast for their version, which is called Splash, and airs on Tuesday, March 19.
Formerly named Celebrity Diving, the series will feature 10 celebrities doing their best not to belly-flop with the help of Greg Louganis. Eight of those 10 stars are Louie Anderson (comedian), Drake Bell (Drake & Josh), Nicole Eggert (Baywatch), Keshia Knight Pulliam (The Cosby Show), Ndamukong Suh (Detroit Lions defensive tackle), Katherine Webb (Miss Alabama) and Kendra Wilkinson (Girls Next Door). [TV Guide]
Okay, a few things:
- In addition to the recap, the first celebrity diving show inspired me to draw an extremely accurate and lifelike rendering of the event. As you can see in the banner image, I have updated this work to reflect the changing conditions.
- I want to see Louie Anderson jump off a high dive more than any of you can possibly imagine.
- Do you want to know what my favorite part is about there being two (2) celebrity high diving shows? I’ll tell you. It’s that one of them will go down as “the crappy celebrity high diving show.” That is a hilarious concept to me.
- MARCH 19? BUT I WANT IT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW.
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Damn, I thought that said Lake Bell.
I want to see Louie Anderson jump off a high dive more than any of you can possibly imagine.
Seriously, someone needs to change the greeting message on every suicide hotline to mention this. I cannot think of any greater reason for living.
Can they tie Nicole Eggert between Louie and Ndamukong Suh in a kind of human KFC Double Down, and let us watch as they struggle in vain to resurface, issuing rapid bursts of low frequency clicks and whistles as the blackness of the flabby deep sucks them down like a shared buttery omelet of despair? I would watch that.
I knew god was keeping Louie Anderson alive for some reason.
[youtu.be]
Exec 1: Hit, me, we need something big for the front half of 2013
Exec 2: C list or lower celebrities..
Exec 1: Go on.
Exec 2: …. jumping off high dives.
Exec 1: I don’t like it. I fucking love it. Well we’re done for the day lets order some hookers and do some coke of their tits.
Exec 2: I’m way ahead of you buddy, called them 20 minutes ago. I knew this one was gold.
Exec 1: Wait, one issue… doesn’t this sound dangerously close something one of those “smart” tv shows would parody us doing?
Exec 2: Like on 30 Rock or Southpark? Yeah… I could see that…. we really dumbed it down for middle america with this one. I’ll go ahead and cancel the hookers and blow.
Exec 1: Fuck no. We need to compete with Fox’s Celebrity Child Beartrap Playground somehow. Can we fill the pool with sharks?
Exec 1: I have a wonderful idea… We cancel a show that has Krysten Ritter in bra and panties for 30 mins a week and replace it with a show with old ugly actresses in bathing suites for an hour
Exec 2: Get that man a raise!
Can someone on the internet take that GIF and merge it with the Kardashian/Great White Shark GIF? Make it happen, please.
They should get Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy to host this show. CANNONBALL!
Meanwhile, fans of 31 NFL teams have their fingers crossed.
And yet Don’t Trust the B, Community, Parks and Rec, and Happy Endings don’t draw dick for ratings.
I really hate you sometimes, America.