When we last checked in on bleached dickhead/culinary terrorist Guy Fieri, he was — like a brigade of Nazi stormtroopers blitzkrieging into Poland — advancing his diabolical plan to destroy food as we know it by opening impossibly bad restaurants all across the land, in addition to selling frozen, boxed abominations like s’mores pizzas at Walmart and Sam’s Club.
Now, with all food effectively lined up for execution, Mr. Flavortown is apparently looking for something else cherished by the moderately refined: wine. Yes, the man whose best friends are named Gorilla, Kleetus, and Dirty P recently bought a pinot noir vineyard in Sonoma County, California.
While the plans are still in the early stages, Fieri hopes to eventually produce wine with his family, he said.
“Our son’s names are Hunter and Ryder, so we’d call it the ‘Hunt and Ryde,’” Fieri said. “Maybe some day this will evolve into us being able to produce our own wine, and celebrate some of the bounty of the county.”
“Hunt and Ryde” sounds like a great name for a wine that’s sold in a box or a bag, so it’s actually kind of perfect. My guess is that it’ll come in a box, a box with flames running up the sides, and it’ll have “PEE-KNOW POWAH” listed as the “flavor.” Bobby Big Wheel, our selfless Fieri product reviewer person, has his money on bags. We’ll just have to wait and see!
In addition to eventually putting out his own wine, the Food Network mega-tool has big plans for the property, according to the Press Democrat.
If Fieri’s plans are approved, a three-bedroom home on the property that has served as a crash pad for visiting friends will be renovated to add a tasting room, Fieri said. He also hopes to use the grounds to educate children about cooking, he said.
Architects for the project are envisioning an Italian piazza, with raised garden beds, olive trees and mountain views, according to the application submitted to the county by his company, Knuckle Sandwich LLC. Fieri also requested permission to host 14 events per year, including wine industry events, some with more than 100 attendees.
Paul Giamatti’s character in Sideways just had a heart attack and a stroke at the same time.
Oh, by the way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GUY FERRY!
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The wine bottles will have flames painted on the side and his Merlot will be called “Mer’Low Ryder.” Bet on it.
There’s an actually good cherry wine in Michigan with flames on the bottle. It’s called Hot Rod Red. Not a Fieri-style pun, but that’s fine because, again, it’s actually good.
Reminder: His real name is Guy Ferry.
I love that the homophobe gave his kids Gay Porn names.
“Hunter and Ryder star in: Baby Bare-Back Ribs.”
Tagline: “You’re guaranteed not to fall off of THIS bone.”
Still not sure why we should hate him over every other dickbag chef on TV.
Just look at him. I mean, c’mon. He deserves our derision the most.
What’s with the unrealistic expectations? I’m sure Fieri’s restaurants are incredibly mediocre, but what do you expect from something called Tex Wasabi or Johnny Garlic’s? I’ve never seen Guy Fieri portrayed as some culinary genius btw. His claim to fame is hosting Diners Drive in and Dives. He’s an over the top middle aged california douche bag stereotype but what that show and food shows like it do for local restaurants is awesome. Does anyone remember the former version of the show before he became host? Class. Anyone?
Ironically this site gives Anthony Bordain all kinds of cool cred. I enjoyed No Reservations in spite of Bordain’s contrived obnoxious wanna be NYC 70s punk rock attitude. Then No Reservations became Layover. Then he left Travel Channel for CNN and to judge a cooking show. IRONY!
@ DR, I agree with almost everything you’ve written. Personally some of my favorite television chefs were from PBS and WHYY. That said however, please re-read his statement from above. Anyone who uses phrases like “bounty of the county” while having a conversation that involves neither children’s rhymes nor thanksgiving hymns deserves derision. I wouldn’t flush his food down my toilet if you paid me but his personality is an even bigger turd. Which is saying a lot.
Haha! Well said! I did say that Fieri is a douche in all fairness. Yes, he’s the shamwow guy of food tv, but I just don’t see the point in picking on him more than other chefs.
Boones Farm better watch out.
There’s no fried cheese, dice, or flames in that supposed “Guy Fieri” wine. I’m calling bullshit.
I can’t WAIT for the wine snobs to review this crap.
“Crisp structure reminiscent of a freshly opened bag of tortilla chips.”
Forget a bag, the wine will come in a hallowed out piece of fried cheese! So just, like a fried breadcrumb tube. Full of wine. A hunk of mozzarella is the stopper.
Guy Fieri teaching kids about cooking is like Mel Gibson running a course on sensitivity training.
Finally, a wine even tackier than Arbor Mist!
I wonder if my aunt will get as excited as she does over Arbor Mist when someone breaks a bottle of “Hunt and Ryde” out next Christmas.
I thought that only underage sorority girls with fake ID’a drank Arbor Mist.
Isn’t Arbor Mist just the “classy” alternative to Boone’s Farm?
I didn’t know you could make a hot sauce wine.
Jalepeno wine, Cascade Winery, Grand Rapids, Michigan.
You got me there. Although I was thinking more about Donkey Sauce or just infusing the entire grape with Texas Pete.
Actually, the jalepeno wine is interesting. More complex than you’d think, definitely hotter than you’d expect.
I could go off on an entire rant about Texas Pete, though. I was stationed in South Carolina for quite a while, and came to the conclusion that it was the condiment for people who find ketchup too spicy. So infusing it into a grape, then fermenting it, would result in something similar to prison hooch, I would think.
I like a lot of different types of hot sauce, but when it comes to the wide audience Tabasco or Texas Pete, I go with Pete. But there are better out there.
Also prison hooch, don’t knock it till you try it!
I love hot sauce, and I have a bottle that’s worth a used car. Provided I can find a buyer. I need a car. Still, I default to Tabasco myself. I’ll defer to taste here, I think it’s warranted. Still miss Zaxby’s, actually.
Seriously, Blair’s Caldera. Mint condition. I have one. Taking offers.
Hate to point this out, but a lot of high-end wineries are sending out their product in boxes and bags. Also, embracing screw-tops and synthetic corks. Natural cork and traditional bottles are increasingly becoming the domain of cheap brands, especially those aspiring to be more than they are. So, I’d put my money on Fieri using standard bottles, though the synthetic corks are cheaper, so he’ll probably go that route, at least at first.
It’s about time someone decided to make Buffalo Sauce-flavored wine.
I once reviewed an Ed Hardy brand “sangria” for a food/product review website. There’s no way it could be worse than that abomination.
Also: “Our son’s names are Hunter and Ryder…”
OF COURSE THEY ARE.
That wouldn’t be the website run by the guy that lives on a rock in the middle of the Pacific ocean would it? “Was surprisingly not gross” is high praise indeed.
Yup, that’s the one. I had a stint with TIB 3-4 years ago. And now that you refresh my memory, skunky skunk Guy Ferry wine absolutely could be worse than sangria that tastes like a child’s beverage.
“our songs names are Hunter and Ryder”
Ryder Strong played Shawn Hunter on Boy Meets World.
No one has noticed his sons are named “Hunter and Ryder”?!!! wtf
Jinx…
Ryder’s real name is Gatherer, but he changed it.
EXTREEEEEEEEEME!!!
What is his appeal? Seriously. I wouldn’t trust that guy to make me a quarter pounder.
I’m certain quarter-pounders are the pairing he had in mind when he was tasting.
FYI: Its his birthday today and he is 45 years old. Think about that for a minute.
He’s ONLY 45!?
… He’s probably the reason Two-Buck Chuck went up 50 cents. Last ditch attempt to maintain property values.
Oh waiter, please bring us a bottle of the 2013 Chateau Brocephus, please?
Ahh, excellent choice, sir, as it will pair well with your jalapeno poppers.
Gold star.
Early stages? Pssh! Wake me up when his wine has a marketing tie in with X-TREME DORITOS
Hunt and Ryde?
More like Gunt and Fried
All this talk of boxes and bags. Pfft. 2 liter plastic soda bottle or gtfo.
This is what got me:
“He also hopes to use the grounds to educate children about cooking, he said.”
So is he going to try to pass the whole property off as some sort of foundation or other crap, to avoid taxes? Extreme!
It’s a charity to cover selling booze to kids. I think? I don’t know, I’m just a random internet user making wild accusations for no reason other than that if I could afford a Lamborghini I wouldn’t be caught driving anything domestic. Except in Italy or England.
You can date grape the wine isle with all the bottles you want Guy, but don’t name it after your innocent kids. Won’t someone think about the poor children.
Last summer, I watched Guy Fieri and Aaron Paul play kickball.
It was like watching Honey Boo Boo breakdance fight Morgan Freeman.
Now “Breakdancing with the Stars” is a show I’d watch. Get Hollywood on the horn.
I actually tried a wine that Guy recommended when he was on Opie and Anthony this summer (Joel Gott ’09 Zinfindel) and was very pleasantly surprised.
But yeah; his wine will be most likely be sugar flavored horse piss.
So….why is Guy Fieri a thing in the first place?
Obama, probably.