Lindsay Lohan Looks Gift Horse In Mouth, Slaps It With Her Crack Pipe

Oh, Lindsay. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Back in my day in the South, our grandmothers had ways to deal with people like Lindsay Lohan. They were called switches. Sticks from trees that we PULLED OURSELVES that our grandmothers would then use to whip the sh*t out of us. Jail is obviously not working; the 27 do-overs that the American public has given her have gotten her nowhere; and the huge loan that Charlie Sheen gave her to bail her out of debt hasn’t worked. Southern-style corporeal punishment is all that’s left.

What did Lindsay do now? Well, she was offered $550,000 to appear on Dancing with the Stars, which is a lot of money given how much debt Lohan owes the IRS. She turned it down, of course. Why? Pride. She wants to stick to films, where she’s clearly burning up the box office. In the works, she has the low-budget The Canyons — which was turned down by Sundance — and the forthcoming InAPPropriate Comedy, a Rob Schneider film in which she’s FOURTH BILLED.

I’m sure that will cover the hundreds of thousands of dollars in back taxes. Meanwhile, DWTS — which made multiple offers to Lindsay Lohan — has also been rejected by Anne Romney. But they are apparently putting an offer out to Katherine Webb, because nothing says “Star” like the girlfriend of a college football player who is notable by virtue of a leering Brent Musberger. Hey, Brent! Leer at me, you old scab.

(Source: Business Insider)