Here are some things that happened in the first five minutes of last night's season premiere of Justified: A mysterious, seemingly felonious parachuter from the past crash-landed to his death in a cul-de-sac; a very attractive bail bonds lady bared her butt; Raylan quoted The Big Lebowski; a fugitive tried to curry favor with his ex by bringing his kids Happy Meals; and Raylan apprehended said fugitive -- after they both pulled guns on each other, obviously -- by shooting the steering wheel of his car so the airbag exploded into his face. All of that happened before the theme song. If the rest of the season maintains a similar pace, I will need to be hooked up to a heart monitor by February.
More highlights and a bunch of GIFs after the jump. There's a lot to get to. Let's dig in.
- We got our first glimpse of Patton Oswalt as Constable Bob, and he is at least as mall cop-y and self-important as I hoped he'd be, as evidenced by his demand that people pull on him so he can turn them into beef stew, and his go-bag "in case sh-t goes Road Warrior." Please stay exactly this frosty throughout the season. More would be too much, less might not be enough.
- Boyd is back, and doing lots of Boyd things. I've said this many times, but there are not enough backwoods Southern Oxy dealers who can comfortably quote Psalms, Isaac Asimov, and John Maynard Keynes as part of threats aimed at newly-Saved lackies who are holding out on them.
- Speaking of Boyd -- which I will be doing a lot throughout the course of this season, because he delights me to no end -- I really enjoyed the exchange he and his Mitch Hedberg-looking buddy had on the bridge at the end of the episode. "You kill people?" "People have been killed." Boyd would make a great criminal defense lawyer if he ever decides to give up on the drug business.
- We also got a bunch of great lines from Raylan last night: The Lebowski reference, "Ain't gonna cover that up with the smell of baking cookies," the speech about assholes ("You run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. You run into assholes all day, you’re the asshole."), "Jesus, girl. You just showed me your titties 45 minutes ago," etc. Sometimes the dialogue on this show is so good I feel like I should just post a PDF of the script and some GIFs and call it a day.
- On that note, Justified gets a lot of credit for being badass and action-packed, rightfully so, but it is also really, really funny sometimes. The old man in the hardware store being one example. His creepy, satisfied smile after being flashed by a teenage girl, and his matter-of-fact description of it ("She flashed me her titties and scooted out the back"), cracked me up.
- How much happened in last night's episode? I'm on my sixth bullet point and I am just now mentioning that a drug-addled prostitute shot a furry -- a local judge, mind you -- because his bear costume was too realistic and she got scared.
- Ava seems like a tough but fair madam. Just don't gripe about being hit.
- So ... #TeamBartenderLindsey?
- I am incredibly intrigued by the snake-handling preacher, not only because I'm looking forward to the inevitable face-off with Boyd (a former Man of God himself), but also because the actor who plays him, Joseph Mazzello, played Tim in Jurassic Park. I think that's important.
- REMINDER: Raylan is impossibly cool and tough, but he is kind of an awful marshal.
- Any finally, HOLY SH-T, ARLO.
Two notes about the GIFs: First, I've slideshowed them this time, only because our pal Chet Manley made a bunch of high quality ones and I don't want to lock up your computers and phones. And second, the last slide is NSFW, unless you work somewhere where sexy bail bondswoman butt is above board. In which case, congrats on your cool job.
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I love the Boyd/Raylan parallels so much. Both have to work with kind of addled companions who screw things up, but not enough to ruin them. And both of them are working “off the books” so to speak to build up a nest-egg.
Gaahhhh Justified!
Wynn Duffy Watch has begun.
The Wynn was delivered!
I can’t be the only one that hopes this season is just a 13 episode trailer for a Constable Bob and Raylan buddy cop movie coming to theaters this summer.
Patton should have been Dr. Pepper, mumbling on the corners, strung out on heroin and oxy all season long until Pastor Sledge can heal him.
“Wouldn’t give a crippled crab a crutch”
Constable Bob should not be the lowest level of badge. We all know that it should be Winona.
yeah, and no Dewey? now that’s a crime.
Take care of him.
Whoops.
Two consecutive season premieres featuring characters from the other two shows I watch? (Yes, shamefully I still watch Dexter) I hope there’s a throwaway episode in the future featuring Quinn and Tom Walker as the ebony and ivory stickup duo, both of whom are detained in a lighthearted but wholly plausible way.
Raylan’s sidle past the girl in the hardware store killed me. That and the repeated use of the word “titties” which, since I’m apparently a 12 year old boy, is never not funny.
Patton Oswalt is hopefully also responsible for the Furry bit.
why is Boyd hidding money from Ava? to buy her a sexy underwear to be used with Ellen May?
He’s going to Costa Rica!
Because there are no Mexicans there!
This season on Justified: SKY HEROIN!
Really good episode, funny, violent and sexy
HE DIDN’T DO IT RIGHT
The Big Lebowski reference that early in the first episode really tied the season together.
I’m calmer than you are.
Stabbing a teenager in the foot: priceless. God how I have missed this show.
Is it just me or did Patton Oswalt stab that girl in the foot on purpose?
Is this a joke?
to me he did it on purpose too. he sees her feet first, then the guys foot, and he chooses to hit her wich causes the desired effect, because now he gets them all.
or maybe it was just dumb luck.
It on purpose to get her duck down.
I loved Raylan telling the con that needing money for his kids was not an excuse for doing something stupid while in the middle of doing something stupid/off the books to get money for his kid from hot bounty hunter.
nice, I didn´t get that
Excellent!
Bob saying “He did it wrong!” was the best part of that exchange in #13.
Only to proceed and stab the wrong person in the foot. Good Lord Patton Oswalt is phenomenal.
I’ll be crucified by saying this, but I could do without Patton Oswalt.
How dare you.
Kentucky Bourbon Barrel Ale is not to be fucked with. That is some seriously good beer. All I drank when I was in Kentucky. Nope not a whiskey drinker.
Seconded
so glad i rewatched seasons 2 and 3.
I live in Kentucky. Patton Oswalt is a 10 here.
My grandfather is from Harlan, given he hasn’t been down there in some 40-some years aside from the quick visit. Part of the reason I started watching the show in the first place. He had some crazy stories about the mountain folks.
It didn’t take long to feel like I had just been reacquainted with an old friend. I really did miss this show.
Boyd’s new friend shooting the guy in the head and the look on his face when he realized that that wasn’t what Boyd meant had me howling for far too long.
“I guess I’ll bee more careful with the words I choose.”
That was pretty awesome.
Crap. Typed two “e”s in “be”.
Oh!
Yup. Reminded me of Jelly from Analyse This. Which is a good thing.
Yeah for someone who was unsure about criminal activity on the way over there, he sure picked up on shit quick.
tbs, very funny
I appreciate that Patton’s obsession with The Road Warrior made its way into the show.
A special episode of Doomsday Preppers, Patton tries bunker stew and drinks his own piss.
Patton Oswalt making beef stew, or Patton Oswalt making fun of Bruce Campbell’s chin?
A lot of great Patton Oswalt this year on TV.
I figured he’s do fine, but Patton exceeded my expectations here. Also, Tom Walker really needs to consider some legal means of child provision.
#teamboydsbookclub
Chet you outdid yourself on the GIFs this week, solid work
CHET! CHET! CHET!
WOOO CHET!
Thanks to the opening, I am now inquisitive as to what the “Bluegrass Conspiracy” is.
Great start to the season.
But where is that preacher with the snake from? I swear I’ve seen him in something else cool/memorable.
Seriously? He was Tim in Jurassic Park and Eugene “Sledgehammer” Sledge in The Pacific.
I was wondering why he looked so familiar.
and in the social network.
oh shit! JP
thanks.
I just started watching this, and I’m way more hooked than TWD. I’ll call this my SOA/Burn Notice fall back.
Alan Furst gets recommended by Arlo’s shankee. The BBC have a dramatisation of one of his over the next couple of nights. Might check it out. Is there a Justified range of Go bags? I’ve been meaning to get one for a while now. I’m thinking it should be dark leather, not too flashy.
Jesus. I really love this fucking show.
Constable Bob is probably tired of beef stew now.
And not one comment of Lindsay Pulsipher. Not much of a crossover with Justified and the True Blood crowd so I guess that’s to be expected.
I KNEW I recognized her! I just couldn’t place her.
Down with werepanthers.
So are we collecting badges for some ultra cool t-shirt giveaway a la SOA this past season? If so can we start the suggestion box for shirt design?
I wonder if constable Bob can make a good Ratatouille.
With his kn1f3 sk1llz, probably not. And that movie was totally unrealistic.
Yeah, who’d believe a rat could make fine cuisine?
Last night’s episode was phenomenal, especially Patton. I’m honestly most looking forward to the first Jacob Pitts appearance of the season though. Gutterson is my favourite.
I’m not going through 300 comments to mention that Raylan and Constable Bob are pretty much the real life version of Police Cops. UH OH SPAGHETTI-O!
I’m not scrolling through all the comments to see if anybody mentioned this yet, but shooting an airbag won’t set it off. That said, this is still the 3rd best show on TV.
According to Justified Executive Producer Graham Yost:
“It can happen. I don’t think that it would happen every time. I think in the YouTube video I saw, it was a guy shooting one with a rifle and it took a few shots, but, you know, we’re doing a TV show and Raylan’s cool, so…”
/adjusts glasses and/or coveralls
I’m not buying it. There’s an impact sensor/ accelerometer in the front bumper that, when it senses a sudden deceleration, sends an electrical current to an igniter behind a pellet of some sodium/ nitrogen compound I can’t remember off the top of my head. The heat from the electrical current sets off the igniter, kind of like the thing you stick in the end of a model rocket engine, and that sets off the sodium/ nitrogen pellet and the release of the nitrogen inflates the airbag. Even if you managed to hit the pellet dead-on with a bullet, which is unlikely since that pellet is maybe the size of the end of your thumb, it’s even more unlikely that the guts of the steering column would impede the progress of the bullet enough for it to decelerate fast enough to generate any significant heat energy to ignite the pellet. More likely it’d just shatter it and keep going until it hit the firewall.
I swear I don’t nitpick TV shows and movies. But, as an erstwhile mechanic, that scene bothered me. Now I’m gonna go back to this Green Lantern comic I’m reading where he has a ring that creates matter-energy from willpower.
Listen people, Raylan is the fucking Fonz. If he hits that car with his fist, that airbag is going off.
That airbag was ignited by cool.
@Cuomo
Thats… that’s actually more likely, y’know, if he hit the bumper.
This is embarrassing. It’s obvious that the airbag going off is the car equivalent of yelling “SPLOOSH” and was therefore 100% accurate and realistic.
As someone who was born and raised in Eastern KY I appreciate the nod to “Bluegrass Conspiracy” for what looks to be the big storyline. This should be great… Oh, and you guys have no idea how many local officials really aren’t far off from Patton’s character here.
Really? That’s kind of terrifying.
You are absolutely spot on with the comment about the Constables. The Constables in Houston are a huge running joke. More then likely many of them would accidently shoot themselves while trying to stop a criminal act from taking place.
They nailed it on how they make a living on such shitty pay. It has to do with the warrant’s they serve and they charge less then the regular PD. I asked the same questions Raylan asked Bob on last nights episode, if you get paid such low wages why even run for the position.
Pretty awesome episode. Glad to see it back, I watched the first three seasons on DVD, so it kinda sucked sitting through commercials and waiting a week to see how things go between Boyd and the Priest. Looking at the bailbonds lady and Winona it seems like Raylan has a “type”
I was in the same boat as you. I missed the first couple of episodes so I need to catch up on Blu-Ray. Then the same thing happened with season 2. Then that Blu-Ray didn’t come out until Season 3 started so I missed season 3. Got caught up a couple of hours before last night’s premiere so I am now watching it on time finally.
Between Community and Justified and his comedy Patton Oswalt is quickly stealing my heart.
Between King of Queens and the reading of a chapter of American Gods he did with Neil Gaiman and Zelda Williams, he already had mine. At this rate, he can keep it
WHEN IS THE AMERICAN GODS TV SHOW COMING? THESE CAPS ARE ON PURPOSE I WANT TO KNOW
Patton stole my heart when he almost made my wife miscarry from laughing at his live standup. I highly recommend it!
Those paps aren’t gonna smear themselves!
apparently since arlo got alzheimers he forgot how to give a fuck.
That or Helen told him the guy needed to go…dead Helen is a little more aggresive then her previous, somewhat more living self
monogamy is a mothafucka
Sorry if it’s already been discussed, but I’ve got a pool going on what exactly “Mellow” is. My money is on parachute cocaine cut with oxy.
I was trying to figure that out too, but Google was unhelpful. The name probably precludes coke and other stimulants, though.
I’m pretty sure he was using the word “mellow” as an adjective. He was just describing the high.
I kind of figured it was probably some Molly and he was describing the high.
THIS was how you start a season.
For all those who are #teambailbondslady, this seems to be her official website portfolio.
[www.ajaevans.com]
There goes the rest of my afternoon.
Just an A+ for research.
@Quattro
What can I say, I’m a giver.
Yep…there are definitely no bail bonds ladies like that in Knoxville. At all.
Yup #teambailbondslady
There should be a show for internet detectives. It’d be on Cinemax and there would be a lot of beating off.
you are a goddamn hero.
Constable Bob is the shit.
Would you draw on him?
he had my favorite quote of the night. “stepped up? I stabbed a teenage girl in the foot”
Probably because he was one of the few who she did not flash.
it was awesome that he told the scrapyard guy to and he got the drop on em. I hope he’s on the show alot if he’s that hilarious.
He absolutely KILLED me when he stabbed the chick in the foot. It was totally the right call, but still… incredibly funny. I vote for a Constable Bob and Saul Goodman spinoff series, as long as Wynn Duffy is the overarching bad guy for the series.
I get the feeling that his backseat arsenal is going to come into play later in the season.
@entropy, I think he was trying to get the guy’s foot. It just happened to work, which is what made it more funny. Beef Stew!
Solid point, Demosthenes. I’ll be re-watching it again tonight. I know they kept showing his “aiming” point of view for a while, which made me think it was deliberate (and the lack of apology led me there, too). On to the re-watch for confirmation…
At this point I can’t believe nobody is ever posted out on Tate’s Creek Bridge, it seems to be the focal point of all criminal activity in Harlan
this
Maybe you should email in a suggestion?
Seriously though I think Boyd does all of his important business out there, whether it’s meeting Limehouse, killing Jared, getting a feel for the new muscle guy, meeting Limehouse again, meeting that cop who wanted Doyle out of the way, etc
Verified
There’s two different bridges, Tates Creek and the bridge to Nobles Holler. But yes lots of bridge action.
Is there any reason why Nobles Holler and Limehouse shouldn’t be appearing in this season?
watching this the first time through I thought Raylan said “Can’t cover that up with the smell of bacon cookies,” which prompted a 30 minute argument between me and my girlfriend of the merits of the aforementioned snack. It ended when she finally said that there was no way that he said “bacon cookies” and we listened to it again.
Bacon cookies? Ask and you shall receive:
[beta.primal-palate.com]
FWIW, I made the same mistake and was distracted for the next few minutes imagining such a snack.
When I watched it again, all i heard was “bacon cookies.” This is your fault.
who wouldn’t like that? it’s like breakfast and dessert on every bite!
The season so far has spared no expense.
They seriously hit almost everything they could. Violence, humor, nudity, academic vocabulary with redneck accents, humorous violence, and general craziness. THAT is how you do TV. Next time someone condescends with the old, “Oh well I don’t have TV.” I’m going to say, “Me and dead owls don’t give a hoot.”
Or use the more succinct: I’m just going to file that under who gives a shit