Archer (FX, 10 p.m.) — Season premiere. I know, I had no idea it was coming back, either.
30 Rock (NBC, 8 p.m.) — Jack and Liz take a trip to Florida, where they drink a 79-pack of brewskis, don’t catch a few Marlins games, and ride a gargle (scientific term) of gators with our very own Burnsy. Watch as they find out how many Skynyrd jams is one Skynyrd jam too many. The answer: two. Meanwhile…
Parks and Recreation (NBC, 8:30 p.m.) — …the Pawnee dudes head to Lucas Oil Stadium, while the Pawnee chicks plan an in-town bachelorette party for Leslie. Jim Irsay takes his dick out at both locations.
The Office (NBC, 9 p.m.) — “Everyone abuses the office’s new espresso machine,” except Andy. Who’s dead.
King of the Nerds (TBS, 10 p.m.) — To quote a character on an aforementioned show, NOOOOPPPEEEE.
Legit (FX, 10:30 p.m.) — Series premiere, about a comedian (star/creator Jim Jefferies) who wants to become legitimate in life. Does becoming legit involve wearing pants? If so, no dice.
Newsreaders (Adult Swim, 12 a.m.) — Series premiere. A spinoff of the Childrens Hospital show-within-a-show documentary, or something, makes my head hurt, but Louis La Fonda is great on the original, and fellow adjunct series NTSF:SD:SUV:: didn’t disappoint. What I’m saying is, this show technically airs on Friday. Chew on THAT.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Jeremy Renner on Letterman; Naomi Watts on Leno; Mark Wahlberg and Jennifer Lopez on Kimmel; Julia Stiles and Jerry Ferrara on Ferguson; Arnold Schwarzenegger, Maggie Q, and Michael Kiwanuka on Fallon; Martin Short and David Boreanaz on Conan; Lena Dunham on Stewart; and Akhil Reed Amar on Colbert.