Long before The New York Times decided to hop aboard the Guy Fieri bashing train (its engine runs on cheese sauce and regret), we were already cataloging the exploits of this flame-shirted, bleached-blond, walking product endorsement. Whether Guy Fieri is bringing his “culinary terrorism” to the wine business, tooling around in his toolmobile, losing his Lamborghini (conversely: having a Lamborghini), throwing an alleged tantrum at a Maxim party, or writing a cookbook with Smash Mouth, we’ll be there to poke pins into a voodoo doll nicknamed “Donkey Sauce” and cackle maniacally.
And now an ounce of comeuppance has been rolled in crushed Oreos, flash-fried, and served to a happy UPROXX crew: Guy Fieri didn’t register the most obvious domain name for his critically-panned Times Square restaurant, Guy’s American Kitchen and Bar, so programmer Bryan Mytko did the internet a great service (though some are alleging he may have stolen a few of the jokes on his fake menu below).
Mytko registered guysamericankitchenandbar.com and posted a menu of culinary delights fit for any Guy Fieri restaurant, with ambiance which includes Sammy Hagar lookalikes, Axe body spray, the music of Smash Mouth, misplaced bravado, and a reference to T.S. Eliot’s “The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock” perfect for any existential hellscape.
Click for glorious full size.
(H/T: The High Definite)
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Here’s a game….try and figure out which one of these items you would choose to eat if you had no choice…so far all i can say without throwing up in my mouth are the fries….and that’s a close one
They remind me of the old Patton Oswalt routine about Black Angus.
YOU’LL EACH GET YOUR OWN! [www.youtube.com]
Hey buddy, I’ll suck a cock on Christmas before I have a mixed green!
I came so close to shoehorning a mention of THE GRAVY PIPE into this write-up.
No one else is interested in Guy’s signature Cadillac cream sauce?
Has anyone ever seen the Smash Mouth cookbook? How terrible is it?
I’ll catch hell for this, but Smash Mouth’s first album is good.
i’ll catch hell for seconding your opinion of Smash Mouth’s first album, buuuuuuuuuut…..
seconded.
If Smash Mouth’s first album is a cookbook, you will catch hell.
“Hell” (pg.13) is America’s first dish that will give you both food poisoning and a venereal disease.
ah cmon, we all liked Smashmouth when it came out, but we were teenagers. We didn’t know shit.
Was their first album “To Serve Man”?
No? No one old enough to have seen the Twilight Zone?
*takes his geritol*
Their first album was “Walking on the Sun (which was a perfectly cromulent single)” shoehorned into a pretty cool ska album. I still occasionally get “Padrino” in my head for reasons failing reason.
Actually, their first album was ‘Fush Yu Mang’ which had “Walkin’ on the Sun” as it’s single. It also (surprisingly) had an Explicit Lyrics label printed on the cover, so I had it for all of 20 minutes before my parents confiscated it on Xmas morning.
“If you can eat here, you’re a shark!” is killing me this morning, absolutely killing me.
Yeah, that was the line that pushed me over the edge.
It’s one of those mornings…I lost it right off the bat when I won a chance to eat a 13 pound burger.
For me, it was “Add a Cinnabon and two more Cinnabons”.
THE BIDET IS AN MP3 PLAYER.
Two Big Gulp Slurpee cups filled with nacho cheese is still making me laugh.
I forgot about beer seasoned local meat.
Read tweets from @dadboner about his suggestions for Guy’s menu.
Yeah. You can’t just step to Welzein like this.
I cannot stop rereading this. The overall adjective, verb, and noun usage on this thing is just amazing:
“warm, broken hamburgers”
“Served drunk and on fire.”
This guy needs to write a book STAT.
How is Ranch Hose not a thing?
Less impressive when you consider he pretty much plagiarized the whole menu: [i.imgur.com]
Less impressive on the “respect for fellow writers” level, still really goddamn funny on the “Guy Fieri is a flaming fuckbox” level.
Great artists steal.
Spray it all with Axe.
Thank you for bringing this to my attention.
He did steal a fair amount of jokes without giving credit. Here’s proof of just a few:
[i.imgur.com]
I’m think I’m going to start saying “donkey sauce” as a swear. Like, “Oh, donkey sauce! We’re out of Guy Fieri’s S’mores Pizza!”
I’m crying over “thrown at you from 40 yards”…
Instead of the “fresh pepper” guy walking around, they have a “axe man” come buy and spray your table down once the food to is delivered. Todays fresh axe is astronaut, just let me know when to stop.
Super saddened, Cheez gutted wolf meat. Holy. Fucking. Shit!!!
This menu warmed my stomach. With laughter.
WTF?? Flavortown.com was NOT available??