What’s On Tonight: The State Of The Union

State of the Union Address (All Networks, 9 p.m.) — President Obama will trot out some people to point to while he tells sad stories about the plight of America and then tell us that the State of the Union is good. Drink every time John Boehner cries. Wouldn’t this be a more productive speech if Obama spoke about the state of NBC?

137th Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show (USA Network, 8 p.m.) — How dare the President schedule the State of the Union address during this sacred television event. There will be dogs, and they will jump and do things, and they will be smarter than the collective intelligence of our United States Congress.

Cougar Town (TBS, 10 p.m.) — New Girl and Happy Endings will be preempted tonight by the President, so if you need a comedy fix, turn over to TBS after the address, where Cougar Town without Bill Lawrence — like Community without Dan Harmon — feels just a little bit off.

Justified (FX, 10 p.m.) — Worry not, folks: The President won’t stand in the way of Raylan Givens, where tonight he will discover a severed foot, while Ava and Boyd target Harlan’s upper class. Wait? Harlan has an upper class?

Top Gear (History, 10 p.m.) — I don’t watch this show, but I’m always hearing glorious things about it, and I never understood how a show about cars could be that fascinating. But then I saw this. Now I get it.

LATE NIGHT LISTINGS: Dave has Kate Upton and Bruce Willis; Charles Barkley is on Leno; Jessica Alba chats with Kimmel; Teresa Palmer sits down with Craig Ferguson; Mike Piazza is on Jon Stewart (what? Mike Piazza? Why?); and Bill Maher stops by Conan.