It's been a long time since I put together a post of awful TV pitches. A really long time. Like, almost two years. But after seeing what kind of stupid, Poochie Lawyer-style shows the networks seem to be rolling out this year, I figured I should probably throw a bunch out there just in case. I mean, I'm not saying I think it's likely some bigshot Hollywood such-and-such will read all of these and give me complete creative control of a struggling cable network, but I really don't see any way we can rule it out at this point, either.
So, I dug back through my Twitter archive and found some of my best/worst pitches from the past year or so, and compiled them all here along with expanded summaries and potential sample quotes from the commercials that would be used to promote them. I've got some doozies here, people. Buckle in.
Pictured: Typical blogger
Title: The Superman Chronicles
Summary: The Daily Planet, like most newspapers in the 21st century, has fallen on hard times. In a cost-cutting move, the paper asks Clark Kent and Lois Lane to accept buyouts. The two veteran reporters decide to start a website called "The Superman Chronicles" that details the ins and outs of the superhero's good deeds, and daily life. But can Clark keep his secret identity from Lois in such tight quarters? And who is this commenter who keeps leaving anonymous messages that say "I know who you are"? Tune in to find out.
Sample Quote From Commercial: "Clark! Where are you going?! We've got to Skype with Superman for our podcast! CLARK?!"
Title: Founding Fathers
Summary: While in Philadelphia plotting revolution, the Founding Fathers -- through a series of zany circumstances -- end up adopting a precocious, wise-cracking 8-year-old orphan, who they take turns babysitting.
Sample Quote From Commercial: "Will you PLEASE keep it down? I am TRYING to write the Declaration of Independence! ... Excuse me? Where did you pick up such foul langua-... FRAAAAAANKLIN!!!!!!"
Title: Dinosaur Spies
Summary: Building off the success of The Americans, here comes another spy drama set in the past. WAY back in the past. Harold, a Tyrannosaurus, goes undercover to infiltrate other species of dinosaurs to learn their secrets, and reports them back to his Tyrannosaurus bosses.
Sample Quote From Commercial: "You are definitely a Tyrannosaurus." "No, I'm totally a Stegosaurus. You can trust me." [dramatic music, cut to commercial]
Title: Lonely Arts Club
Summary: A group of high school music and art teachers are told they can keep their programs alive only if they raise 50% of the budget. After a number of failed bake sales and raffles, they eventually turn to crime, and start robbing the homes and businesses of the wealthy families in the nearby, more well-to-do school districts.
Sample Quote From Commercial: "Grappling hooks?! But I'm a piano teacher!"
Title: Mad Teens
Summary: The year is 1982. The son Joan had with Roger, Kevin, is now 16 years old, and he is THE COOLEST KID IN SCHOOL. All the girls at the fancy Manhattan academy he attends want him, and all the boys want to be him. The only person who doesn't love him is the school's uptight headmaster, Dr. Standishbottom, who has vowed to get him expelled before he graduates, and will stop at nothing to do so. Hijinks galore.
Sample Quote From Commercial: "Sorry to hear about your car, Dr. Standishbottom. All that popcorn must have been a real pain to clean up." [slides sunglasses down nose, winks at camera]
Title: The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Cop
Summary: The latest edition of Bravo's popular Real Housewives series focuses on the spouses of the cast and crew of the 1984 Eddie Murphy film Beverly Hills Cop.
Sample Quote From Commercial: "I DON'T CARE IF YOUR HUSBAND PLAYED TAGGART, DAMMIT!"
Title: Robes Pierre
Summary: Sam Woodward runs a luxury robes business, specializing in robes made in France, and portrays a goofy, America-hating French character named "Robes Pierre" in the commercials. Little does he know revolutionaries on the small fictional island of Polula have been splicing together clips from his commercials to create fiery anti-government tirades, and using them to inspire the people as they try to overthrow their ruthless, corrupt king.
Sample Quote From Commercial: "They're doing WHAT? Where?! Polula?! BUT I'M JUST A ROBE SALESMAN!"
Photo credit: Keetten Predators
Title: The Bourne IDs
Summary: Jason Bourne's cousin, Steve Bourne, was a Twitter celebrity with over two million followers. Then one day a bolt of lightning struck his iPhone while he was composing a tweet, and he woke up in the hospital with amnesia. Now he walks around aimlessly trying to piece together fleeting memories from his past.
Sample Quote From Commercial: "Tell me this, Heather. Why do I keep thinking of these short, snarky jokes? Huh? Why would I do that?! And who is Dad Boner?! Are you Dad Boner?!"
Title: The Long Arms of the Law
Summary: Derrick Stevens was a five-time NBA All-Star, but chose to give it all up to fulfill his dying mother's wish that he become a lawyer. Now he's in his first year of law school, and struggling with both the workload and the culture shock. Lots of montages featuring studying all night in the library.
Sample Quote From Commercial: "Listen, Derrick. I know you were a star when you stepped on the court. But you're gonna have to make some changes if you want to be a star when you step in the court."
Title: Florida ICU
Summary: A reality series that takes place in a Tampa intensive care unit.
Sample Quote From Commercial: "Son. How did you get a dang nunchuck stuck in your urethra?"
Title: Percy Hammer: Private Investigator
Summary: Percy Hammer (Tim Gunn-type) is your typical 1920s P.I., except for one thing. He secretly hates his job, and is dying to get into fashion.
Sample Quote From Commercial: (voiceover) "I could tell she was trouble from the moment she walked in. How? She was a dame, and all dames are trouble. She sat down in my office and spilled her guts. Her story was almost as long as her legs. Yeah, I took the case, but I'd have to keep an eye on this one. And don't even get me started on her shoes. Oh, honey. Just ... no."
Title: Bear Market
Summary: A tense Wall Street drama. Featuring koalas. As bankers. In suits. With little briefcases and everything.
Sample Quote From Commercial: "Everybody hurry! Eucalyptus future are going through the roof!"
Title: First Dude Boners McGee
Summary: Valerie McGee graduated from Harvard at the top of her class, worked at a number of prestigious law firms, and has just been elected President of the United States. Her husband, on the other hand, John "Boners" McGee, is a lovable slob who would rather go bowling than attend a State dinner, and refuses to wear a tie. Despite their differences, and his numerous embarrassing slip-ups, she loves the big lug.
Sample Quote From Commercial: "On behalf of the people of Monaco, allow me to say that it's an honor to meet you, Madam President and Mr. McGee." "Please, call me Boners."
Photo credit: txking
Title: The Dikembe Mutombo Variety Hour
Summary: Former NBA All-Star Dikembe Mutombo hosts a primetime variety show.
Sample Quote From Commercial: "Hello, I'm Dikembe Mutombo, and this is my television show."
Title: Premium Hops
Summary: A bumbling brewer (Jack Black-type) accidentally creates a beer that gives rabbits temporary superpowers. Now, anytime he wants, he can have a team of super-smart, super-strong, super-drunk bunnies at his disposal. Only one question remains: Should he use this power for good ... or evil?
Sample Quote From Commercial: "Yes, drink up, Mr. Fluffy. We have important business to discuss."
Title: The Robotanist
Summary: A dark, futuristic drama where robots have replaced humans in many household jobs: maid, chef, driver, etc. But a glitch in the gardener robots, the Robotanist 5000, is causing them to seduce the bored, wealthy housewives they are there to serve, and it is slowly tearing the fabric of the country apart.
Sample Quote From Commercial: "DAMMIT, ROBOTANIST. STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE."
Title: Boardwalk Umpire
Summary: A minor-league umpire must navigate the dangerous politics and pressure from organized crime that have riddled his quiet seaside community for years.
Sample Quote From Commercial: "You're gonna call the game the way we say, or we're gonna strike your balls until you're out. You get me?"
Title: Miranda Writes
Summary: Miranda Daly, a tough, no-nonsense big city cop, has a secret life as a steamy romance novelist named Mallory Décolletage.
Sample Quote From Commercial: "Miranda, you look tired. What, were you up all night reading one of those sexy romance books?" "Oh no. I don't read that garbage."
Photo credit: John Roman Images
Title: Toddler Negotiator
Summary: After watching a child get his way after a tantrum in a grocery store, Mayor Dale Rice has a brilliant idea: He hires a local toddler as high-stakes crisis negotiator.
Sample Quote From Commercial: "Wewease aww the hostages or I swea-uw I'll stawt scweaming!" "You wouldn't dare!" "Twy me."
Photo credit: glenda
Title: Untitled Channing Tatum/Jennifer Lawrence/Talking Dog Project
Summary: Channing Tatum and Jennifer Lawrence live in a house with a talking dog.
Sample Quote From Commercial: "Holy crap, Jennifer Lawrence. That dog just talked, or my name isn't Channing Tatum.
Photoshop by Burnsy
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/51/thumb)
UHF references ALWAYS welcome!
I would watch 20 of those.
I don’t care how it sounds, I would watch the shit out of “First Dude Boners McGee.”
As long as it doesn’t star Kevin James. I have no time for “Paul Blart Presents: First Dude Boners McGee”.
Bear Market FTW.
I would watch the shit out the Mutumbo Variety Hour. Hell, looping that commercial for an hour beats 90% of the crap on TV today.
Dinosaur Spies needed to be picked up for a 13 episode order, like, yesterday. Starring the dinosaurs from ABC’s Dinosaurs, no less.
Not enough Justified spin-offs.
i like the idea that Joan and Roger gave the world Ferris Bueller.
This is exactly what I was getting at.
Is Yello’s “Oh Yeah” going to be used as the theme, then?
there’s also no way Mutumbo’s variety show could possibly be worse than Magic Johnson’s.
I see no less than ten of these ending up in a crossover episode of Franklin and Bash.
Someone needs to start writing an episode where Franklin & Bash adversaries are lawyer koalas!
Robes Pierre needs to be the next Netflix series so I can watch all of it at once, yesterday.
Agreed. That one and The Robotanist were my favorites in the “so absurd it might just be amazing” category. I mean, if someone pitched you a show 6 years ago about a high school chemistry teacher who starts making meth after finding out he has cancer…
these are not mostly terrible, but rather mostly awesome. well done, danger.
“Where are we filming this variety show? Not in my house!”
THAT’S the weekly intro/tagline, there.
At the end of every show he turns to a bunch of showgirls and yells, “Now, WHO WANTS TO SEX MUTUMBO? GOOD NIGHT, AMERICA!”
I would watch these shows. I would watch them so hard.
ALL OF THEM!
Someone put Florida ICU on NOW
Where the hell is Puppy Lawyer and the DMX cooking show? I was also expecting a Whiskey Business spinoff series.
Sample Commercial for X GONNA GIVE IT TO YA
‘YO DOG IMMA ABOUT TO SHOOT YOU FIVE TIMES WHILE I F*CK YA HOE, THEN IMMA MAKE HER QUICHE THAT’LL MAKE HER BLOW! RUFF RUFF RUFF’
I FORGOT ALL ABOUT “X GON GRILL IT FOR YA”
I was born to play “Boners” McGee
Every time I read your movie pitches, I always imagine that you’d do the Dan Van Atta/Full House thing and sneak your name in to one of the show’s locations, like “The Danger Guerrero Memorial Library” or something. Bang up work, DG!
TV pitches, rather. It’s been a long (mostly sober) day
Toddler Negotiator sounds a lot like Admiral Baby. Expect a phone call from a FOX lawyer anytime now.
Note: lawyer will look and sound oddly like a Ray Cohn impression.
i would watch the fuck out of “boardwalk umpire”
and on that title page, “the young and dyslexic” interesting
Pour some out for Frank Drebin/Enrico Pallazo himself….
I was drifting along, mildly amused, when I read “Son. How did you get a dang nunchuck stuck in your urethra?”
Now I have to stop laughing long enough to start drinking. Bravo.
Please tell me that The Lonely Arts Club isn’t going to have full on “Glee” song and dance numbers…but they will somehow get their hands on “Mission: Impossible”-type technology and equipment for their heists.
Also, can Toddler Negotiator have a season one cliff hanger where he isn’t available because he is taking a nap, or in time out?
Danger (Zone) Guerrero should be getting a call from NBC in 3… 2… 1…
Are you kidding? These shows are way too good for NBC.
This is my favourite of all the things.
Wasn’t there already a reality show based on Florida’s ICU? Or did I dream that?
Considering how most of these shows are better than many shows on TV right now, I expect Danger to get a call from NBC and UPN very soon. Fox would call, but they’ll just blatantly rip off Danger’s idea.
Founding Fathers did kind of happen with Young Person’s Guide to History. Though it was less sitcom and more weird live action Adult Swim show.
Robes Pierre sounds like something I would definitely watch. Also, the Robotanist sounds like some kinky Jetsons fan fiction. I anxiously await a pilot.
Frasier Crane (Kelsey Grammer) has been dumped by Laura Linney’s character in that last episode of Frasier and he is on the rebound. Looking for a one-night stand, he hooks up at a psychology convention with a fellow psychologist named Jennifer Melfi (Lorraione Bracco), who has a special file in her papers documenting a certain family. Snooping through the file, Frasier’s repressed memory comes forward about that episode in Season 3 of Cheers where we met his mother (the late Nancy Marchand from the Sopranos) and why he said he was an only child and his father was dead. Soon, Frasier is a liability as the web of lies surrounding his mother’s dual life is exposed. With Frasier whacked by the mob, psychologist Niles and former cop Martin Crane (David Hyde Pierce and John Mahoney) dedicate themselves to avenging the family. Along with his wife Daphne, Niles becomes part-Monk, part-Sherlock Holmes-Watson, and part-Thin Man/Castle.
Holy shit dude!
Season 3 of Cheers. One of the greatest continuity errors in TV history. Watching old reruns of Cheers and Frasier says his dad is dead and he is an only child. His mom played by the woman who play Olivia on the Sopranos. And she threatens to kill Diane in the episode.
Do you write these throughout the year and save them for one big release, or did you do these all in like a week?
Either way, bravo.
You could have pitched Toddler Negotiator starring the Olsen twins in the early 90′s and you would have been a millionaire by now.
Miranda Writes made me lol.
If you make the dinosaurs in “Dinosaur Spies” zombies, well, I think you have a winner.
Boners McGee will never make it to air. It’s a rip off of NBC’s hit series, 1600 Penn.
Stegosaurus lived about 80 million years before Tyrannosaurus. (For context, Tyrannosaurus lived less than 70 million years before us.) For that reason alone I’d never be able to watch it. (As it is I can barely make it through Fantasia.)