New Girl (Fox, 9 p.m.) — As Josh alluded to earlier, on tonight’s episode of New Girl, the whole gang reveals how they lost their virginity in a series of flashbacks, which can only mean one thing: THE RETURN OF FAT SCHMIDT. Fat Schmidt and Fat Betty and Fat Monica from Friends should totally have a fat orgy.
Grimm (NBC, 10 p.m.) — NBC has moved Grimm to Tuesdays for the rest of the season because why not? NBC already preempted it for three months while it was on Fridays, so why not move it? Don’t worry: Audiences will follow a show anywhere. Just ask Happy Endings. Anyway, in tonight’s episode, some guy questions the existence of aliens, which is just silly? There are already fairy-tale creatures and other demons, why would there be aliens, too?
Splash (ABC, 8 p.m.) — There will be a mystery celebrity diver appearance on tonight’s episode, and the only way I’d watch is if the mystery diver is FAT SCHMIDT.
The Mindy Project (Fox, 9:30 p.m.) — In the last episode of The Mindy Project, which was in what … March? Danny’s wife was revealed. It was supposed to be a big surprise, but it came during the end credits, and about 5 seconds before she was revealed, her name appeared. I was like, “I don’t remember Chloe Sevigny in this episode,” then BAM. There she is. GOOD STORY. Tonight’s episode is all about her.
Tosh.0 (Comedy Central, 10 p.m.) — This is the network’s highest rated show. I don’t really care, except that it reminds me that Daniel Tosh was mentioned in talks about who might replace Jimmy Fallon, which reminds me that no one is talking about the late night wars anymore. Are they ever going to name a Fallon successor?
Murder. Mystery. Amanda Knox Speaks (ABC, 10 p.m.) — God.
Hunger Games (Netflix, Anytime) — That’s fun, if you haven’t seen it yet, and a rare instance in which Netflix actually has a decent new(ish) movie in its catalogue.
LATE NIGHT LISTINGS: Dr. Phil is on Dave; Cher is on Leno; Jon Favreau is on Kimmel; Ferguson has Larry the Cable Guy (?); Winona Ryder is on Fallon (drool); Robert Downey Jr.is on The Daily Show: Bryan Fuller stops by Carson Daly; and Ke$ha is on Conan.
I want more like this!
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