Two Years Later. INT: the Lambert House
“Mama Skyler, tell me the story about the Heisenboogie and Princess Marie.”
“Again, Holly? I told you that story last night, and the night before, too.”
“Again! Again! Again!”
“OK, well, once upon a time, many years ago, there lived a troll named Wicked Walty. He spent his days in an underground lab, making blue potions and minding no one’s business except his own, but at night, he roamed the streets as the evil Heisenboogie. One evening, after eating four entire buckets of fried chicken, the Heisenboogie climbed a hill and came across a lovely princess named Marie. She was dressed all in purple…”
“Just like my Aunt Marie!”
“Exactly. The Heisenboogie threatened to eat Princess Marie and began charging at her. But before he could land a hand on her purple dress with purple jewels, she grabbed something from her legally purchased purse.”
“What was in the purse?”
“A soul stealer. She said the magic word three times — crystals, crystals, crystals — and the Heisenboogie was no more. No one knows where he went, only that he’s gone. All thanks to Princess Marie’s stealing. The end.”
Todd’s famous dying words: “But what about the Americone I got y…”
“Damn Flynn, you wearing those camo pants smoother than a slice of butter dripping down some flapjacks.”
Flynn breakfast fashion jokes are the new Flynn fashion jokes are the new Flynn breakfast jokes.
#4. Badger and Skinny Pete
“Whole thing felt kind of shady, y’know? Like, mortality wise.” If all tweakers and slingers were as well-spoken as Badger and Skinny Pete, maybe the government would be, like, cool with meth, y’know?
For surviving, Skyler finishes the season at #3. The tender scene between wife and husband was my favorite from the episode. Where most everything else was built on betrayals, schemes, and machine guns, Walt’s goodbye to the woman he used to call his wife was heartbreaking in its simplicity: just two great actors, talking. He gives her his lottery ticket, which contains the GPS coordinates where Hank and Gomie are buried, and she gives him the opportunity to see Holly one last time. As Walt gazes at the only person in the world who doesn’t see him as a monster through tear-stained eyes, Skyler allows herself the briefest of smiles. For a second, she sees the man she fell in love with, before Hank took Walt on a ride-along. Then it’s gone, as is Walt. For good, this time.
#2. Walt/#1. Jesse
Both men were going to die at the Nazi Compound. Both men got in over their heads in the meth game. Both men had really terrible hair by the end of the show. So why is Jesse ahead of Walt? First off, because Jesse’s alive and Walt isn’t…unless that old TV adage is true, and that because we never actually see Walt die, just his bleeding, wrinkled corpse on the floor, with a bullet in his gut and cancer eating away his insides, he’s still alive.
I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Walt’s dead, yo, with his body giving up in the environment where, post-Gray Matter, he proudly felt his life most mattered, that he wasn’t just living out the days until he was living no more. (Again, I’m resisting the urge to discuss at length about how this storytelling decision made sense thematically, if not emotionally, for the same don’t-want-to-complain reason that I still love Lost***, even if I wasn’t 100% enamored with the finale. And no, I’m not comparing “Felina” to “The End”; what I meant was…NOPE. NOT GONNA DO IT.) It was the best he could have hoped for after fleeing New Mexico for the colder pastures of New Hampshire, but again, he’s dead, Jesse’s not, and now I’m imagining Jesse need for speeding his car to Andrea’s house, then Lydia’s and Mike’s, where he picks up Brock, Kiira, and Kaylee and they move to sunny Florida and open a successful kid-friendly woodshop together and everyone lives happily ever after. That’s my Breaking Bad ending, and I’m sticking to it.
***: it’s legally required to mention Lost in your recap of a series finale.
I want more like this!
Follow us on Facebook and get the latest before everyone else.