Breaking Bad is one of the greatest shows of all-time, so while Cajun Boy recaps each episode, I’m here to give you a little something extra via the Breaking Badass Power Rankings, which rank the most badass characters from every episode. Why “Badass?” Obviously, the so-not-clever-that-it’s-clever name, but also because Breaking Bad is the kind of a show that makes you want to drink an entire bottle of bourbon before watching it, to soothe your soon-to-be-tense nerves. That’s pretty badass.
Not Ranked: Todd, Marie, Gomez, and Fireman.
#10. Now Jesse
What else does Walt blame Jesse for, besides Hank’s death? 9/11. Pearl Harbor. Crystal Pepsi. Season two of Friday Night Lights. McDonald’s not serving breakfast after 10:30 a.m. The Adventures of Pluto Nash. Oh yeah, and Jane’s death, probably. That’s a lot of heavy baggage for one tortured, scarred man to carry. Luckily, he’s now got a Nazi Compound leash to keep him upright, and from wandering away in the supermarket.
The #TeamWalt bandwagon is a lot lighter today. Before “Ozymandias,” I wanted Walt not to win, but to get away with (some of) it. I am terrible person and can’t explain why I felt this way, but I would have been fine with a version of Breaking Bad where he, Skyler, Flynn, and Holly travel the country in a tie-dye van, singing songs about peace, love, and Teamocil. And then he told Jesse about what happened with Jane, and now I want him to choke on Huell’s vomit until he dies. People like asking, “When do you think Walt broke bad?” with most responses dating back to the first season. But I could always make half-baked excuses for his actions: something something family, something something Jesse, something something it’s OK to “root” for someone like him because this is a television show and he’s a fascinating character that we don’t want stopped, something something what if Breaking Bad is a Malcolm in the Middle prequel. But now I’m retroactively furious about all the bodies and blown-up buildings. His confession hurt Jesse worse than ricin capsule could, and that is NOT OK. No amount of admitting your guilt, and not Skyler’s, to the cops can save your soul (or your killer Power Rankings slot) now, Walt.
In 17 years, Elanor Anne Wenrich will be in her first-year acting class when someone discovers that the quiet girl in the Sleater-Kinney shirt played Holly on Breaking Bad. Said person will introduce himself to her, playing down the fact that he knows who she is. The words “mama” and “bear” will never exit his mouth. They’ll get close, sit next to each other, maybe go see a movie with friends, until he finally gathers the nerves to ask her out on a date. She agrees, and before long, they’re a couple and after five dates, they decide to consummate the relationship. It’s at this point that I will crash through Elanor’s door, pick up her boyfriend, and scream, “STAY AWAY FROM HOLLY WHITE. SHE’S JUST A BABY.” I will then leave, knowing I’ve done the world a great service. You’re welcome.
#7. Unnamed Navajo
As Walt drives away in his newly acquired pickup truck worth $27, the elderly Navajo man looks at the stack of hundreds in his hand. “White,” he says to his cattle skull welcome sign, “They so crazy.”
I want more like this!
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