Eight years we’ve watched Dexter (or at least, those who didn’t quit and are checking this recap just to see what happened: Spoiler Alert: It was dumb), and for eight years, we’ve often wondered what the endgame would be. Would Debra finally take down Dexter? Would he finally meet a serial killer better at it than him? Would the Miami P.D. find him out? Would they discover his blood slides? Would he become the subject of a manhunt? Would he die in a spray of machine gun bullets? Or would he get away with everything, ending Dexter with just another day at the office: Analyzing blood, killing bad people. Rinse, repeat. Nothing gained, nothing lost.
Turns out, none of that would happen. What happened was wholly unpredictable, but that’s only because it’s impossible to predict endings as dumb as Dexter’s. At this point in the series, with the show having fallen as far as it has, there was literally no ending that could’ve salvaged the final season, short of one that miraculously rewrote the last four seasons. The series tried to give us a dark finale, borrowing a fake-out plot contrivance from Michael C. Hall’s old show, Six Feet Under, but in the end, it couldn’t even go all the way into the darkest timeline. Dexter pussed out, dropping a post-script that was even dumber than what came before it. A LUMBERJACK?
Dexter couldn’t stick the landing. It couldn’t even find the runway. The Dexter series finale crashed and burned into a giant bowl of dicks 100 miles from the airport.
Before we get into last night’s episode, let’s take a moment to remember a few plotlines that DIDN’T F***KING MATTER. Remember Masuka and his daughter, Nikki? What the hell was that about? Did it matter at all, to anything? ANYTHING? Or what about Quinn’s competition with the black detective for the promotion? Just wheel spinning, huh? Killing time. God, what a disaster of a final season.
First off, I love this SUBTLE reminder in the airport about where Dexter and Hannah are going, because the fact that Hannah and Dexter have managed to say that they want to go to Argentina 109 times during the past three episodes wasn’t enough to drill it into our heads.
So, Elway is onto Hannah, and he’s scouting out the airport in search for her. Dexter comes up with a brilliant plan to blame a bomb threat on Elway by placing a few things in a backpack (I had hoped against hope that he was planning a cool MacGyver move, but then I remembered that this is Dexter). Alas, Elway was detained for questioning, but the bomb threat also backfired when the Miami airport is completely evacuated.
Meanwhile, Debra is taken to the hospital, and she seems to be OK. You know how we know she’s not OK?
She’s a goner. But we have to go through the motions anyway, don’t we?
The captain calls Dexter to let him know that Debra’s been shot, which ruins what are already completely ruined plans. Elsewhere, Saxon is on the loose, bleeding from the gunshot wound in the arm that Debra gave him last week. He walks into a crowded grocery store parking lot and knocks a guy out with the butt of his gun and takes his truck. Nobody sees him, though. You know how I know? Because Saxon looked around the crowded parking lot, which is the universal shot for, “Nope. Nobody in this super crowded parking lot saw me knock out a guy and take his truck.”
The timeline is completely effed, by the way. When Debra was shot last week, it was getting darker (kind of).
Now, an hour or two later, it’s clearly the middle of the day. Elway calls the U.S. Marshall service, and OF COURSE, even though it’s only been an hour or two, the dispatcher at the U.S. Marshall service has no problem letting a stranger who calls know that Clayton is dead, never mind that the killer is still on the loose.
Back at the hospital, the doctor tells Dexter that Debra is going to be just fine. How do we know she won’t be?
Clue #3 that Debra is going to die: A flashback to Harrison’s birth.
I want more like this!
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