It’s been far too long since we last discussed Breaking Bad XXX, the porn parody of everyone’s favorite porn-less show that’s also about meth. The last time we wrote about it was in November, when all we had was a mere trailer and a list of better porn parody titles (Team I Am the One Who C*cks, with Breaking Vag in second place.)
Let’s amend that: today, we watched the Sweet Mess Films production, and lived to tell the SFW recap.
It was nice of the director to begin the movie with a plot summary. How many people do you think read the whole thing? Coordinates to Curly’s gold and Daniel Stern’s career should have been included near the end, just to see if anyone was paying attention. Also, my elementary school photos all have that same background.
Meet Walter White. Not only does he have cancer, he’s also got unable-to-get-hard penis disorder. It’s a very serious disease — he hasn’t made love to his wife in ages. He goes to the doctor’s office to obtain boner pills (I’m sure they have a more technical name than that, but boner pills for his unable-to-get-hard penis disorder), but they’ve been outlawed by the state. (Hope you read the opening plot summary!) “You don’t need to have sex anymore,” suggests the unhelpful doctor. “Consider this a blessing, Walt, You’re free from the sins of temptation…”
Then Unhelpful Doctor and Nurse Boobs have sex.
That is Breaking Bad‘s Walter White walking through doors on his birthday.
This is Breaking Bad XXX‘s Walter White walking through a door on his 40th birthday. I’m seeing double: eight Bryan Cranstons!
Meet the family. The Whites are on the left, the Schraders are on the right, and in the middle is the saddest looking birthday cake ever. Imagine being the person who baked that, or better yet, the poor porn intern (porntern?) who had to pick it up, unable to look the nice old baker in the eyes because he didn’t want him to know that his work will be used as a set decoration in a porn parody of a TV show about meth and cancer. Anyway, over birthday dinner, the two families discuss Skyler’s new emo hair color and Walt’s teaching job (“One of my film students got, like, a million hits on YouTube”) before Hank interrupts the festivities to show everyone something on TV.
GOVERNOR FROTH. How much do you wanna bet his secretary is named Alice Felch? Unfortunately, we never meet Alice Felch, so you’ll have to use your imagination. Or demand a sequel, with special guest Mayor Blumpkin. Governor Froth regales the assembled press with stories of the success of his anti-porn (full) measures.
Including busting an illegal porn shoot, a raid led by none other than Hank.
Oh yeah, and Ron Jeremy was there. As was a shopping cart full of fans and exercise balls (???).
Marie silently drinks herself to death over a conversation about whether porn should be legal.
I’m fast forwarding a little bit now, scrolling past such sexy terminology as “tax money,” to get to Hank’s birthday present to Walt: being present for a porn bust. XXX Hank is just as skeevy as season one Hank: he and his buddies always wait until the middle of the shoot to make their entrance, so they can “catch all the action.” He then nudges Walt for about 43 minutes. My favorite scene of the entire movie happens in the White’s bedroom, and this will be the only time “favorite scene” and “bedroom” will be mentioned in a recap of a porn without anyone being nude. After all the nudging, Hank asks, “You know what that means?” Walt sarcastically answers, “You get to see a guy’s c*ck.” “HAHAHA,” Hank replies, before coldly adding, “F*ck no. I’m talking about pretty hot women.” OHHHHH, now I know what you mean. Anyway, after 20 minutes of sexy sex between a guy and a girl who I’m calling Badger and Skinny Patricia, Hank, Walt, and Gomez enter the building, where they meet Jessica Pinkman. Yup. JESSICA Pinkman, the aforementioned student of Walt’s who got, like, a million hits on YouTube. WHAT A TWIST. She doesn’t go to jail because she’s a “friend” of Governor Froth’s. WHAT A DOUBLE TWIST.
“I’m a bitch, BITCH.”
Later that evening, Walt visits Jessica, who kind of looks like Megan Fox and Eliza Dushku (Faith Lehandjob?), to discuss the “total f*cking bullsh*t” anti-porn law. Specifically, he has a plan to get rid of it. To quote, “I assume you’re in a relationship with the Governor that you probably want to keep secret…Well, I was thinking I could set up a video camera and capture what I suspect is going on between you two. And we could blackmail him.” God, that sounds like a plot from, well, a porn, so good job! Jessica Pinkman agrees. Yeah, yeah, agrees, BITCH.
Over wine and blue boner pills, Walt and Jessica add another girl to the plan. And she puts his hand on her boob, which is probably the plot of hundreds of gender-reversed slash fiction BB stories, but he declines her invitation.
A rock-hard Walt heads home to be with Skyler. Let’s just say they do more than a fake handjob. Please note the photo to the right. Walt’s “oh you” look belongs alongside George Michael’s fist pose.
SOLID establishing shot.
And so begins the staged threesome. This is a family website, so we can only describe the aXXXtion, not show you any of it. Needless to say, things get pretty spicy up in that pepper. SPOILER: they do It. FOR 20 WHOLE MINUTES. These porn stars are gods and goddesses among men and women, especially when she [REDACTED] while he [REDACTED] and the other one is [REDACTED] and together, they all [REDACTED]. /fans self
What camera? All I see is a lousy motel plant and a coffeemaker. A really nice coffeemaker, at that.
And in the end, Walt and Jessica’s plan works. Governor Froth repeals the anti-porn law…
…Marie wears a purple-ish shirt and Hank blends into the soda…
…and Walt becomes a porn movie director named Hymenberg. I hope that’s how Breaking Bad ends, too.
