HBO’s Boardwalk Empire is one of the most sprawling and involved shows on TV, with a cast the size of a beer barrel (or at least equal to The Wire). So all this season, the show’s fourth, we’ll be breaking down the 10 most bloody and boozy (and booby) from every season, beginning with last night’s premiere, “Acres of Diamonds.”
1. You know what they say: when you see a machete cutting open a coconut in act one…
2. (Too?) Much of last night’s episode was spent on Willie Thompson reliving the plot of Superbad, 80 years before the movie came out. It’s an easy enough plot to relate to — underage kid tries to impress a cute lady friend of his by scoring booze, so he can score with her — but it felt sorely out of place, and a bit like every “very special episode” I watched growing up. ALL YOUR SCHOOL CHUMS WILL LAUGH AT YOU AND YOUR ERECTION. Superwillie could be making a point about the allure the alcohol game has, and how much Willie thinks he can get away with because of his powerful pops, but for now, I agree with Mickey Doyle’s slapping assessment.
3. Last week, a few of you expressed your concerns over the kinder, gentler, doesn’t kill dog-er Richard. As if sensing your anxiety, in “Acres,” he takes off his mask, knifes a man in the gut, and then his sister (whose dry humor I’ll miss dearly) blasts Carl Billings’s head right off. Those Harrows, they act like there’s no one else on Earth, and there won’t be, by the time they’re done painting every wall with brains and blood.
4. Despite already having to check in with 27 stories every week, Boardwalk has developed two new instant-favorite characters this season: Agent Knox, who’s presumably off CRUSHING mailboxes with baseball bats with Hoover, and Sally the Bartender, played by the always welcome Patricia Arquette. The show has always had a hard time drawing up female characters who could go toe to toe with the likes of the male Jersey gangsters, but Sally seems like one of them; she’s your typical no-nonsense dive owner, who isn’t afraid to give Nucky the business. (Hopefully they don’t give each other the biznass; they’re clearly a better platonic couple). We also meet Tucker, the most Florida person to ever happen to Florida (and I’m including Burnsy). He’s an alligator come to life who probably has “Florida: land of money, cunny, and where it’s always sunny” as a bumper sticker on his car. But now we’ll never know, courtesy of a land deal going south.
5. I could watch this Reefer Madness extra dance all night. /gets put on 57 Internet pervert watch lists
6. “Giiiiiillllllllyyyyy. Are you doing heroin?” “…Sorry.” Roy asks an increasingly weary Gillian to pretend to be his wife for a business meeting, which she agrees to because of the transportation accessibility of needles. It’s all fairly uninteresting, and their dinner companions coming from Evansville, Indiana, where last season’s dead Not Jimmy hails from, is a bit of a plausible stretch. She’s never earned any shred of audience sympathy, so it’s curious how the writers think we’re supposed to react to her uneasy wooing of Roy.
7. The only time Nucky, who lets his guard down for the first time this season, ever seems at home while in Florida is in the empty darkness of a bar, where the sun hasn’t touched a patron in years. But he’s going to have to stay in the Sunshine State for a bit longer, just like a new friend of his. (Note: not Sally.)
8. We could all see where the Dr. Valentin Narcisse story was heading, with him slowly stealing the magic carpet from beneath Chalky White’s spotless shoes, but it’s still riveting to watch, thanks to Jeffrey Wright’s slithering performance. He’s a snake in a tree, tempting Adam and Eve, or in this case Dunn, with a tasty treat and smile, without revealing his true sinister intentions. Narcisse has entered into the heroin game, he’s got Dunn reevaluating his brute-like standing with Chalky, and Daughter Maitland is keeping Chalky distracted. It’s all coming together as planned, and he’s got a pocket full of handkerchiefs to wipe away the filth from the likes of Arnold Rothstein.
9. Honestly, I thought this was going to be Bill McCoy’s eyes or penis. This a much better gift for Teddy.
10. …it’s going to show up again in act three, lodged into someone’s skull. (I look forward to seeing how many episodes of Boardwalk Empire in a row will end with someone we’ve just meet dying.)
