Most of the new primetime sitcoms for the fall 2013 season have aired at least two episodes, giving us enough of an indication of what kind of show they want to be, and what kind of show they’re failing to be. (Sometimes you don’t even need an entire episode; Dads was unwatchable after 30 seconds.) Here they all are, ranked from worst to best.
#13. Dads (Fox)
We already discussed this frozen turd with slanted Asian eyes drawn on it. Not doing it again.
#12. We Are Men (CBS)
We Are Men isn’t nearly as bad as its title, its trailers, its Jerry O’Connell’s hair, or its photo of Kal Penn wearing a shirt in the pool would have you believe. Meaning, it’s not the worst comedy on TV since Work It! By all other metrics, though, CBS’s delayed response to TV’s mancession craze of 2011 is pretty rough. What the utterly devoid of charisma We Are Men is trying to do — being a divorced bro in your 30s and 40s, etc. etc. etc. — the late, great Men of a Certain Age already did a billion times better. Just watch that instead.
#11. Sean Saves the World (NBC)
A recurring theme this pilot season is good people doing bad things. Take Victor Fresco, for instance. He created Better Off Ted and Andy Richter Controls the Universe, therefore, he is a good person. He’s also the mind behind Sean Saves the World, which is a very bad thing. Sean Hayes has never seen a punchline he couldn’t loudly mug this way through, and while Thomas Lennon is doing his best Veronica Palmer impression, he’s no Portia de Rossi when it comes to making chilly characters enjoyable. I miss Better Off Ted so much.
#10. Super Fun Night (ABC)
Super Fun Night‘s premiere was supposed to be the second episode of the series, but apparently the ORIGINAL pilot was so bad that the network had to scrap it, possibly for good. I can’t even imagine how dreadful it must have been, considering the episode that aired in its place ended with a Spanx joke. It’s 2013. There should not be Spanx jokes in 2013. Nor should there be Super Fun Night on TV. Awkward comedy is the worst comedy, and Super Fun Night, which only exists to introduce Rebel Wilson to the one person who hasn’t seen either Pitch Perfect or Bridesmaids, is nothing but awkward jokes. The kind that are punctuated with long stares and collar tugs. Not only that, but we have no idea who any of the characters are, outside of Wilson’s Kimmie, who adopts a strangely distracting accent. ABC so badly wants to make Rebel Wilson a Thing that no one thought to build an interesting world around her. To quote her character in Bridesmaids, “We would like to invite you to no longer live with us.”
#9. The Crazy Ones (CBS)
Who’s going to say no to Robin Williams? Not co-stars Sarah Michelle Gellar, still looking to recover from the green screen travesty of Ringer, or James “NOT GREAT BOB” Wolk. Not CBS, because they still can’t believe they got THE Robin Williams. Not even creator David E. Kelley, a very big name…but not as big as ROBIN WILLIAMS. So, no one, no one’s going to say no to the Genie, to Mork, to Mrs. Doubtfire, and it shows: Williams is given complete creative control of the rapid-fire The Crazy Ones, and his impression-heavy riffs aren’t nearly as charming as they once were (if they were at all, depending on whom you ask). Especially when his rambling gibberish is about the godsend that is marketing and how McDonald’s has the power to heal AIDS babies in Africa, or something. On The Crazy Ones, Robin Williams (playing not executive Simon Roberts, but “Robin Williams”) is king, advertising is queen, and everyone else is a lowly peasant, left waiting for whatever scraps their masters don’t gorge upon.
#8. Mom (CBS)
I touched on Mom a little bit in Monday’s What’s On Tonight, writing, “It’s a fascinating disaster: every episode packs in approximately three dozen plots, and not even Anna Faris, Allison Janney, and Badger from Breaking Bad can save Boner Joke #83 from Chuck Lorre’s trapper keeper full of them.” Mom has no idea what kind of show it wants to be, with Faris going from an AA meeting to her job to her house to a diner in the span of, like, five minutes. She and Janney are trying to understand who their characters are, what makes they tick, but their motives change, depending on the scene. To Mom‘s credit, I guess, the gags are more crass than cruel — and for CBS, downright risqué; you’re not going to hear too many vibrator references on Blue Bloods. I can’t look away, even though I want to.
#7. The Millers (CBS)
I feel guilty hating on The Millers. Its creator, Greg Garcia, is the man behind Raising Hope and My Name is Earl, both of which I greatly enjoy, and the cast is full of some of my favorite people, including Will Arnett, Margo Martindale, and J.B. Smoove, as well as Nelson Franklin and Jayma Mays. But then the laugh track happens after a masturbation/fart joke and I see the CBS logo in the bottom righthand corner, and the guilt goes away. It’s hard to fault anyone involved with The Millers for wanting a paycheck; I just wish it had been for something slightly better.
#6. Welcome to the Family (NBC)
Every year, come premiere season, New York City is littered with posters for everything the Big Four has to offer. The Q train, in particular, is currently lined with smiling advertisements for NBC’s Thursday night lineup: there’s Parks and Recreation, Sean Saves the World, The Michael J. Fox Show, and…that’s it. There are no indications that Welcome to the Family exists outside of TV Guide. NBC has no faith in the show, and I don’t completely blame them. Welcome to the Family is so inoffensive and dull, there’s nothing for viewers to latch onto. Mike O’Malley and Mary McCormack give strong performances, like they always do, but the kids only speak in platitudes and the lessons and jokes are strongly reminiscent of a sitcom that would’ve aired in the early-1980s, alongside Diff’rent Strokes. The rumor that Community will return when Welcome gets cancelled has done it no favors, either.
#5. Back in the Game (ABC)
Back in the Game is at war with itself, which isn’t a baseball metaphor, sorry. There is definitely a good, familiar show in there, based around the very dependable Maggie Lawson returning to baseball via coaching her son’s Little League team and making nice with her father, played by James Caan’s network TV Kenny Powers, but it keeps making the easy jokes. Haha, the gay kid dances like a ballerina in the outfield. Haha, the Asian kid talks funny. Haha, the fat kid is fat. Back in the Game is like a baseball player who’s too good for AAA, but not great enough for the major leagues; it’s stuck somewhere in between, and it’s unlikely it’s ever going to improve. (There it is!)
#4. The Michael J. Fox Show (NBC)
The “shaky” joke is a groaner, but unfortunately, it’s very true. The Michael J. Fox Show has gotten progressively worse with each episode; Marty McFly’s natural charm can only carry you so far. Betsy Brandt, Wendell Pierce, and Alison Brie’s fake-younger sister who I’m calling Alison Muenster (good, but not as good as Brie) are fine, but the selfish aunt really needs to go, and at some point, we need to spend less time in the apartment and more in the workplace. We’re told that Mike is great at his job, but outside of one scene in the pilot, we haven’t SEEN him doing anything worthy of this label. At some point, the concept needs to go beyond “America loves Michael J. Fox, so they’ll love this!” That hasn’t happened yet. (Also, minor complaint, but goddamn do I hate when they talk into the camera. It’s even more pointless than on Modern Family.)
#3. Trophy Wife (ABC)
If you don’t watch Childrens Hospital, I can understand why you’d be confused with “Malin Åkerman” and “funny” appearing in the same sentence. For the most part, her filmography is either boring (The Heartbreak Kid), embarrassing (The Proposal), boring AND embarrassing (27 Dresses), or Watchmen (Watchmen). But Malin Åkerman is very funny (see?) on Childrens Hospital, and she’s very funny on Trophy Wife, this year’s winner of the Best Sitcom with the Worst Name Award. (2012: Don’t Trust the B—- in Apartment 23; 2011: Suburgatory; 2010: Happy Endings. ABC sucks at naming its shows.) Trophy Wife is a very different kind of comedy than Childrens, though: there are no huge laughs; rather, you get a series of amusing scenes, with an occasional well-earned punchline that lands. Trophy Wife‘s writing hasn’t caught up to its hugely talented cast, including husband Bradley Whitford and his two distinctive ex-wives Marcia Gay Harden and Michaela Watkins, as well as the underused Natalie Morales, but there’s enough promise in both the premise and tone to keep watching.
#2. The Goldbergs (ABC)
Like We Are Men, the marketing for The Goldbergs did it no favors. Looking at the posters and bus ads, it’d being to mistake the show for being nothing but warmed-over, romanticized 1980s references (no one loved Rubik’s Case then as much as they do, because nostalgia). That’s only half true. There’s plenty of “HAHA THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE I LOVE THE 1980S *plays Human League record*,” but there’s even more, if you’ll forgive the corniness, heart. It’s a family show with likable, recognizable characters, not unlike the excellent The Middle…except much, much, MUCH louder, as if the stage direction is YELL. At least The Goldbergs has a good teacher in Jeff Garlin.
#1. Brooklyn Nine-Nine (Fox)
Nothing even comes close, really. Brooklyn Nine-Nine is shockingly confident for such a young sitcom: it knows exactly who all its characters are, with plenty room left for necessary development. This time next year, when Brooklyn‘s in the first quarter of its second season, god willing, Rosa and Charles (and rest of the superb supporting cast) will feel like the same people they are now, just colored in more. That’s due to creator Michael Schur’s incredible ability to expand his characters and his show’s universe. There are some concerns — like a restrictive setting and Andy Samberg being Andy Samberg — but Brooklyn Nine-Nine is much better than Parks and Recreation was in its freshman season, and that show turned out pretty well.
