Wait! I’ve spoken too soon. Tom has beads!
Everyone gets beads with some stupid animal on it and that’s what you have to cook. Everyone gets turtle, gator or frog. Nobody looks relieved that they are cramming every goofy Louisiana thing into one episode. Maybe they’ll be more excited when Les Miles is the surprise guest judge?
The chefs get two hours in the Top Chef kitchen, then another two hours to prepare food in the swamp. Because the Cafe Du Monde doesn’t have enough BTU’s, obviously.
100 diners are invited to this swamp dinner, and they will each be handing out Mardis Gras beads because Bravo assumes that these are legal tender in New Orleans and all surrounding territories. The top three bead-getters will compete for the win, the bottom three will be up for elimination. Somewhere off camera Janine is trying to slip out of her bra.
Both of the Padma’s Picks winners are immune for this challenge, so they may as well start drinking.
Toyota shopping spree!
Michael is giving everybody a tour of the city, and nobody even pretends to give a sh*t.
Oh hey, there’s another potential first Top Gay Chef. The twist is, he only dates Asians. He also cooks Asian. Food, not guys. That wouldn’t be gay, that would be murder.
Carrie is nervous about cooking frog, and rightfully so. Nobody knows how to cook frog properly, especially people from Iowa who don’t have fancy tire companies awarding them pointy French shapes of merit. I propose that this is what we call Michelin stars from now on.
So we have a beautiful Aussie, two gay guys who are in no danger of hooking up because one is gay-racist, a rockabilly chick, a horrible Philly douchebag, and one guy who is already annoying the sh*t out of people because he won’t shut the f*ck up about New Orleans. It’s a good group, but I feel like we’re missing a steampunk cheftestant, and one vegan who had no idea she’d have to touch dead animals on a cooking show.
Hey, Stephanie is Kristen’s friend from the first episode of Season 10! I totally missed that while taking an unfortunately timed screencap of her looking stoned while saying “sh*t” over and over.
“Carlos, I added my mushrooms to one of your pots of butter.” And with that, we have our first Chicago on Chicago sabotage of the season. Game on, jerks.
Carlos is one of those Chicago chefs with the French pointy star of merit, and he’s an early rooting favorite. He came into the country illegally, he worked his way up from a dishwasher and now he’s here to f*ck sh*t up. Meanwhile, Bravo is subtitling everything he says even though he’s easier to understand than Emeril after a cocktail.
And now everyone is looking at Janine’s butt. Come on, you pigs, she’s a professional like the rest of you.
“Wow, if she cooks as good as she looks she’s gonna be at the top.” -One a-hole cheftestants
“What is this for, boo? Your flavors smell great, baby.” -Another a-hole cheftestant
“She’s wearing cutoffs and studded sandals and I would like to give her a thigh massage.” -Me
The guy with the pink yacht shorts who thinks he’s pretty cut himself the second Tom Colicchio walked up to his station. Perfect. Maybe he’ll bleed to death.
And now we learn that the self-styled rockabilly cheftestant cooks at the Minneapolis airport. Hey, that’s pretty cool. I didn’t even know Minneapolis had an airport. I like her now because she just referred to Wolfgang Puck as her “previous employer,” as opposed to “Wolfy” or something.
This lady from Iowa definitely wins the most adorable. She’s totally overwhelmed, but hopefully puts out something awesome.
Meanwhile, we’re just now being introduced to Patty Vega, who just happens to work for David Burke. So yeah, this season is loaded, and I feel like we’ve only met half of the chefs. As always, this show is the worst/best/worst.
CUT TO JANINE RUNNING AROUND IN CUTOFFS BECAUSE TELEVISION!
Some guy I saw in the background earlier is apparently an undefeated muay thai fighter. He’s making turtle dashi that may or may not make people violently ill. But hey, he’s undefeated, right?
They’re done cooking in the kitchen, so back to the house they go. And Emeril brings everybody beignets. Where’s the café au lait, superstar?
Finally, we’re ready to cook at the swamp. But guess what, everything is in a million pieces and conditions are not ideal. It’s almost like this is an episode of Top Chef.
“I thought this was supposed to be hard.” -Jason, who took all of one challenge to make everyone else hate him as much as I do. There is no chance that his dish isn’t terrible.
Jason just tried to flip his hair by tossing his head back. It didn’t move. Because he’s in a swamp. Maybe he’ll drown.
So, guys, what did you think of Patty’s alligator?
Sarah, Nina and Carrie had the top three dishes.
That’s rockabilly, St. Lucia and Iowa for those of you who haven’t been able to associate 19 names with faces as of yet. The winner of the first challenge is Nina for her curried turtle meatballs.
Aaron, Ramon and Patty are up for elimination. Aaron wanted to make pasta. Reminder: They are in a swamp. He admits that it was a terrible idea. Ramon’s dashi was watered down by ice, then he neglected to cook it down to intensify flavors. So it sucked. Go home, Ramon. Aaaand, Patty is crying, so maybe she is going home. You can’t cry in front of Tom. The only thing Tom hates more than self-pity is Tea Party followers on Twitter.
In the end it’s Ramon packing his knives and leftover turtle meat. Enjoy Last Chance Kitchen, Mr. Muay Thai. You only have to beat 76 people to move on to the finals. Next time don’t ice yo’ dashi.
No Top Chef Power Rankings this week. We’ll start in on those just as soon as I can remember everyone’s name.
Coming up this season on Top Chef: David Chang! Dumpsters! Sabotage! Douchebags from Philly! John Besh (duh)! Glee?! Parades staged to act as a backdrop for Padma! It’s gonna be the worst, you guys.
I want more like this!
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