Fed up with seeing the same talentless hacks, like Ashton Kutcher and Charlie Sheen, top Forbes Annual list of highest paid actors, last year we imagined a better, fictional world in which male actors were paid on the basis of their TALENT. Basically, Bryan Cranston and Timothy Olyphant would rule the world. It’s no better on the female side, however, when you consider that among the highest paid actresses on television are the Kardashians, Bethany Frankel, Kaley Cuoco, and Sofia Vergara, who is lovely and funny, but doesn’t deserve to be the highest paid actress on television. Not by a long shot.
So, we decided to revisit our fictional world where talent is rewarded over all else, and check in to see who the ten highest paid actresses are there. These were our findings.
10. Lizzy Caplan — In our fictional world here, not only is Masters of Sex more popular than Homeland on Showtime, but Party Down just ended its 5th and final season as one of the most popular sitcoms in cable history. Lizzy Caplan is on her way to her third Emmy nomination for Best Actress Comedy, and her first for Best Actress Drama, and she makes the same salary that Kat Dennings does in the real world for 2 Broke Girls.
9. Alison Brie and Gillian Jacobs — Already in its fifth FULL season (with 22 episodes each year), all of which Dan Harmon was the showrunner on, Community is the juggernaut that re-launched NBC’s Thursday night comedy line-up, crushing CBS’s Big Bang Theory, which has chewed through three show runners and is perpetually on the verge of cancellation. Golden Globe winners for best comedic actresses, Jacobs and Brie both earn the same that Kaley Cuoco does in the real world. Brie and Jacobs also do nude scenes.
8. Emilia Clarke — In our fictional world, not only does Emilia Clarke make $10 million a year for Game of Thrones, but she has a line of Khaleesi cosplay outfits at Target, and Kanye West has devoted an entire concept album about her GoT character. She has no Emmy nominations because, during her first year of eligibility, she withdrew her name, claiming that trophies are worthless status symbols for mere mortals.
7. Kaitlin Olson — It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia regularly tops Modern Family as the highest rated show of Wednesday night, and Olson has a line of roided out Barbie dolls that come with their own cocaine bags and half-eaten babies that sell out two months before Christmas each year. Olson is also developing her own Sunny spin-off in which her character pursues a career in stand-up. She makes $11 million a year.
6. Anna Gunn — Not only is Breaking Bad the most popular television series in Nielsen ratings history, but every McDonald’s Happy Meal comes with a Breaking Bad action figure, including Skyler White’s, which is pregnant and comes with a candy cigarette. As for salary? Anna Gunn is paid $1 for every sh*tty Internet comment written about her. Her annual salary runs close to $15 million.
I want more like this!
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