Take Me to Your Mother (Nick Jr, 10 p.m.) — Apparently this show that I’ve never heard of but is now my new favorite program on Nick Jr. follows comic Andrea Rosen, who “just had a baby and dove head first into motherhood. Only problem? She did zero prep work to get there.” In tonight’s episode, she visits Sunny Rest Nudist Resort in Pennsylvania. Nick Jr.’s getting risque. No wonder no one wore pants on Franklin.
Stanley Cup Finals, Game 3 (NBC Sports, 8 p.m.) — Just watch this. Spare yourself from…
The Bachelorette (ABC, 8 p.m.) — Miss Utah needs to be next year’s Bachelorette. Or C*nt Punt, obviously.
Oh, Sit! (The CW, 8 p.m.) — *impatiently looks at watch* Still waiting for that apocalypse.
The Glades/Longmire (A&E, 9 p.m.) — Tonight’s Glades episode, about “Florida’s purveyors of flesh and the women who love them,” is called “Magic Longworth,” which airs right before Longmire. Somewhere out there, an A&E executive is looking for a third long, so he can say, “Three longs make a right.”
LATE-NIGHT GUESTS: Bill O’Reilly and Greta Gerwig on Letterman; Billy Crystal and Pitbull on Leno; Lil’ Wayne, Chris Messina, and Jimmy Eat World on Kimmel; Carson Kressley and Rachelle Lefevre on Ferguson; Howard Stern, Alyssa Milano, and Anamanaguchi on Fallon; and Linda Cardellini on The Daily Show.