Worst: Dixie Carter
Look. I’m not gonna throw shade at a wrestler with real life problems doing what it takes to get real life help. But at this point, is there anyone who buys Dixie Carter as a portrait of sympathy? If you want to address Kurt Angle’s issues, fine. But everytime she shows up with her dead eyes and cool mom outfit, no matter what she’s says, she comes off as completely disingenuous.
Here’s an idea: instead of having Dixie play the role of concerned lady who runs a company that cares about their wrestlers, why not play into it? This is someone who reads your tweets from a private jet while wrestlers sometimes have to take second jobs to make ends meet. Work that. Remember Mrs. Carlson from WKRP? That’s who Dixie should be at this point. Have her swan into the place in a full mink, dripping with jewels, ready to crack down on sheningans. Hulk Hogan has proven that he can express moments of humour and vulnerability. He’s the perfect Big Guy; someone who loves the company, desperately wants to be a part of things, and only has its best interests at heart. You can have that great dynamic without all the heart to heart talks in Mr. Carlson’s office about his dead dad. Mr. Anderson is smarmy enough and, when he chooses to be, actually funny enough to be the slimy Herb Tarlick to Hogan’s Carlson. Joseph Park is obviously a great Les Nessman. No one is cool enough to be Dr. Johnny Fever, but that pretty much goes for anyone, not just TNA. And where the hell is the kickstarter to pay for the music licensing so I can have my goddamn WKRP DVD collection the way it was meant to be watched?
Why do you hate Magnus so much, Danielle? I just don’t get don’t get it!!! This is worse than Brandon hating Kofi Kingston for no reason!!
Sigh. Here’s the thing that I keep saying, but I’ll say it again: Magnus. Is. Boring. His wrestling is middling at best. This is a guy who’s gone through how many finishers, and still manages to make each one look like hot garbage? He’s the guy at the mall kiosk trying to sell you deep sea mineral face cream by telling you you’re already beautiful with a great big cheesy smile. But if you’re already beautiful, why the f*ck do you need a bunch of green goop that smells kinda weird and doesn’t really do anything? The one persona he tried on that actually fit was in Ring Ka King, and none of that works outside of a former British Colony. So he keeps trying different things. Maybe this elbow drop will work. Maybe if I’m a real nice guy it’ll work. Maybe if I fold up your legs and look like I’m trying to move my bowels with the force of a tectonic plate shift it’ll work. Maybe if I spray on some stubble and put on sunglasses and make convoluted hand gestures it’ll work.
It doesn’t. None of it works. And it’s so incredibly frustrating to watch that it all adds up to a gigantic waste of time. Go back and watch that ladder match. Then watch Magnus wrestle Mr. Anderson last week. If you’re still okay with him, then there’s a fundamental difference in opinion that is never going to be overcome. If you don’t ever want things to be better, keep having dry toast with tapwater. The rest of us are going out for pizza and Shirley Temples.
Best: ‘Sup ladies
Oh look, another fantastic match. Yes please.
ODB is hot right out of the gate. She’s pissed off, and you know what? I dig it. I’ve written before about how Gail Kim and Mickie James have a history of incredibly awkward matches, so putting ODB between them to keep the match up is a great idea. Remember when Knockouts matches used to be great, and rival (if not show up) the men’s? Yeah. I do. It was last night.
My absolute favourite part of the match happened when ODB, overcome by her need to do some damage, unhooked one of her bras, yanked it out (well, mostly, those hooks are brutal when they get caught in other stuff), and used it to choke out Mickie James. It’s clever, and it looks super cool. If that weren’t enough, she then uses it to hang Gail Kim through the ropes. Ugh. So good. ODB can slap her chest all she wants if she’s gonna follow it up with moves like that. These ladies are going full force, and putting everything they can into utterly destroying each other and I love every single minute. While you’re looking for that ladder match in full, seek this one out too.
Dueling stables aside, see what happens when you put good wrestling on the wrestling show? It’s the best thing.
Worst: Where the eff is the video of this, TNA?
Where the eff is the video of this, TNA? ETA: They smartened up. It’s here.
Worst? Maybe?: “I love you too, Brooke.”
Bully Ray tells Brooke over the phone that next week, they’re gonna tell the world the truth? Are you? Are you really? Are you sure you know what’s going one? Did you fool Tito Ortiz into thinking Bully Ray has a tiny penis for the greater good? I swear, if this isn’t the best goddamn payoff in the history of payoffs I am going to keep watching this show every week. Sigh.
I want more like this!
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