Best: Big Fight Feel
Coming into this show, I was entirely unenthused for the main event, just like I’m usually unenthused for the main event. As the show progressed, and I got more and more into it through good match after good match, I got more and more excited. I’ve even got someone I want to root for. I don’t much care for what Bully Ray has been saying and doing, but it’s gotta be better than Tommy Frigo carrying the belt, right? And guess what? I didn’t hate it!
Bully Ray whipped out a bear hug, and it seems like the most ridiculous move that usually conflates big lumbering goons and their lack of mobility, but I pop every time. I mostly like it because it just looks like aggressive cuddling, and wrestlers hugging is shoot happiness, but it’s also a move that, when you consider what it’s actually meant to accomplish, can seem more effective than most others. As Gordon Solie explains it, the bear hug forces the air out of the lungs, and if you force the air out of the lungs you don’t get the right supply of oxygen into the bloodstream. This builds up lactic acid. That lactic acid doesn’t burn off, and if it doesn’t burn off heavy fatigue sets in. See? From aggressive cuddling to debilitating maneuver. Love it.
Best: Friends to the end!
I love that Taz is the one to hand Bully Ray the belt because a) it gives Taz a purpose other than opening limo doors and trying to figure out the correct pronunciation of kielbasa, and b) ECW FRIENDS! E-C-HUGS! E-C-HUGS! E-C-HUGS!
Friendship-based wrestling always wins.
Now, this seems like a lot of Bests, which is appropriate for a show that I mostly enjoyed all the way through. There is a conspicuous absence of any mention of two certain gentlemen on the program, which truthfully explains a clear lack of worsts. This week I asked writer, MMA Fan, all around super cool lady bro, and crustacean extraordinaire Jessica/LobsterMobster/Mobsy to handle all of the bits in between so we could all enjoy her extended commentary, and I didn’t have to pitch my laptop from the balcony. Is MMA better down where it’s wetter? I’ll let our undersea correspondent take it from here.
Best and Worst of Bellator MMA
Best: Rampage finally has a suit!
Worst: Rampage finally has a suit and it is CAMOFLAUGE
I am certainly glad that Quinton “Rampage” Jackson decided to show some group solidarity and bought a suit. Of course, ‘a suit’ is a pretty vague description, and instead of keeping things sartorially conservative, Quinton decides to go full-Rampage with something from the Mossy Oak ‘elegant yokel’ line. Honestly, my biggest issue isn’t so much that Quinton sticks out like a terrible idiot at his ROLL TIDE wedding, but that in a glaring faux pas, Yoshihiro Akiyama wore it better. Don’t swagger-jack, Rampage, and especially don’t swagger-jack Sexyama.
(Also, I want to pretend that the camo suit is TNA’s attempt at a John Cena-esque situation where Rampage is concealed, thus obscuring him from your vision. I’m pretty dumb that way)
Best: Tito said his words mostly correct
As a long-suffering “listen to Tito Ortiz attempt to communicate using spoken language” person, I was pleasantly surprised that he managed to say his small handful of words without garbling everything horribly. With that minor compliment out of the way, allow me to move on to the crux of this moment.
Worst: Quick! Everyone say something stupid!
Ugh. Okay, so because Kurt Angle is in terrible need of substance abuse help, the Main Event Mafia is a man down for the five-on-five match against Aces and Eights. Thankfully, Quinton’s got a man that just might be of help, but he’s got to take it to the ring (Along with Samoa Joe in his best Anderson Silva-inspired black and yellow shorts) because that is the only valid form of communication in the world of professional wrestling.
First, though, we get to hear Quinton talk about how much he loves wrestling, and how all his MMA fans should stop saying he sold out because he joined TNA. The problem is, I don’t think he’s got any MMA fans that know what Impact is. Honestly, for a second, I thought Rampage had gotten his scripts confused and was trying to film another ‘save Olympic wrestling’ commercial. With his reminder that he got in trouble during his high school amateur wrestling days for powerbombing opponents, Rampage is ready to call out the man he was cryptically hinting at.
Of course, Tito Ortiz is the man Jackson wants. After all, they’ve got history together. They spent many fight camps up in Big Bear, California, preparing each other to fight top competition (Until Rampage’s boxing coach stole a bunch of his money and Jackson fled to England). And in just a few months, they’re going to finally get inside a cage and attempt to punch and elbow each other in the face and general head area. But let’s just put all of that aside, sweep it under the rug for now, since their MMA fight is something completely different.
This is about those jerk stores, the Aces and Eights and how much they stink! They need to be gotten rid of, and once again, of course Tito Ortiz is just the man for that job (Let’s ignore the fact that Tito hasn’t won a fight since 2011. Or that he’s 1-7-1 since 2006).
(Brief aside: I was trying to refresh myself on what went down in this segment because I was staring at the face painted kid in the front row most of the night, but TNA’s video of this didn’t have sound, so I’m winging the heck outta what was said)
Thankfully, Bully Ray shows up to make things slightly less terrible. Except he threatens to make Tito his “Huntington Beach Bitch” which leads nicely to this next bit of business (STOP CALLING PEOPLE BITCHES, YOU DUMB GALOOT, IT’S TOUGH FOR ME TO LIKE YOU WHEN YOU DO THAT)
Best/Worst: Tito Ortiz is Scrappy-Doo
AWW, LEMME AT ‘IM! I’LL MURDERLIZE ‘IM, I’LL MASSACRATE HIM, AWW, GIMME A CHANCE!
Worst: Lookit these two run
Rampage’s excuse is that cardio is for dumb babies, and Tito’s excuse (Only to be discovered afterwards) is that all of his bones have been shattered for the last three weeks.
I will never not love any use of Aces and Eights’ awesome hammer. It’s second only to the Estonian Thunderfrog’s Hammer of Peace on my list of favorite wrestling hammers (The hammerlock is third, Van Hammer and Scott Putski are tied and Triple H’s sledgehammer is not on the list).
That being said, all this needed beforehand was Sting to be won over by Tito’s eloquence, flash him a wink, smile and thumbs up and boldly announce how much he trusts Ortiz to really drive home where Tito’s loyalties really lay.
Best: Celebrate good times, come on!
I’m chalking this up to Tito’s winless streak. He hasn’t had anything to be happy about in a while so celebrations are confusing to him. At least he’s enthusiastic, if uncoordinated about things! (Also, I guess he wasn’t up for his standard gravedigger routine?)
Worst: I know how you feel, Quinton
Sometimes you just gotta lay face-down on some concrete after a rough day of engaging in your new profession very poorly. (Alternate, mean-spirited joke: Who photoshopped out his monster truck and the cops?)
I want more like this!
Follow us on Facebook and get the latest before everyone else.