When Zach Galifianakis Came To America

Cue the voiceover narration from iconic historian David McCullough…

“When Zach Galifianakis stepped off the Greek shanty boat at Ellis Island, his entire family had already been wiped out by scurvy, diphtheria and gonorrhea. He was the lone Galifianakis survivor of the voyage, a burden of guilt he carried with him for the rest of his life, but one that simultaneously fueled him. In his pocket at the time were but a few butterbeans and three shillings, currency he used to acquire the services of a one-legged prostitute his first night in the fledgling city of Gotham. But the boy had uncommon wherewithal and an appealing dry wit about him, not to mention a striking BGID (Beard Getting It Done) the likes of which this country had never seen previously, and before you know it he was interviewing celebrities flanked by lush ferns and receiving oral sex from elderly women in the closing credits of Hollywood films. He became, in no uncertain terms, a great American success story.”

The end.

(HT: Buzzfeed)