Last month, we had the very best of the worst of Twitter, with racist foreigners, fussy classist gay Brits, and way too many smart people trying to reassure themselves about their own intelligence. And we thought it couldn't get worse.
Boy, were we ever wrong! But, this month, there is something that gives us a ray of hope: We're going to close this month with the single greatest troll to ever hit Twitter. But first, the unintentional trolls:
@Reply: We're glad your fanfic is doing so well.
Character Overage: This would be Nick Mamatas. His latest novel is about a woman slipping through the cracks of reality and into a war between metaphysical wasps and spiders. No, seriously.
@Reply: How dare people have friends on a social network that aren't mine! And I have to read these things?
Character Overage: It's unfortunate that such a self-centered troll runs a blog that actually seems awesome, namely about pictures of beer. Then you realize it's just some twee hipster fluff that's really about all the fancy beers the people running the blog drink, and it makes the world a sadder place.
@Reply: We're not sure it was intended as one.
Character Overage: He actually runs a blog called "Dangerously Awesome." He posts inspirational things on it. Does it have an ass-ugly background from the '80s if they'd had blogs in the '80s? It does. Stick with the coding, Alex.
@Reply: See! I have friends! I DO I DO I DO HAVE FRIENDS!
Character Overage: If you're going to tweet about how many followers you have, you seriously might as well just give up and start talking about your d*ck. Seriously. At least talking about your d*ck might get you laid. Sure, it'll be in the back of a scuzzy van, and you'll be the bottom, but it's still better than bragging about your followers.
@Reply: Hookers get domestic cars. Mistresses get the Benz. Get it right.
Character Overage: She wants you to visit her Tumblr. And we do too, but for entirely different reasons. Behold, a sincere attempt to turn a Tumblr into a crappy MySpace page.
@Reply: Yeah, being stalked is pretty awkward
Character Overage: Here's the thing...we're not really sure what Molly does to be this well-known. There's no cleavage or anything, so she's not a stripper. Her website is too clean and stripped down to mark her as a vain coder or marketroid. She just seems to exist. That's all you need to do to be famous now?
@Reply: Well, someone has to, Sarah Silverman.
Character Overage: I just really do not have the heart to kick an American whose life goal is to become a famous J-pop singer. That and the jokes pretty much just write themselves.
@Reply: You're not big on understanding subtle hints about B.O., huh, champ?
Character Overage: The only thing sadder than a marketroid is an unemployed marketroid. Seriously. His Twitter bio is a want ad. Get a real job!
@Reply: Yeah, I don't think they're praying for tech support, dude.
Character Overage: The really sad thing is that his main job seems to be selling iPhone games. Instead of complaining about other people's religion, maybe you should go in and fix your product? Just saying.
@Reply: No, multitasking is when you achieve more than one thing.
Character Overage: We're not going to link to her Twitter, but she's running SooLaosy up there a close second in the "make my social networking page as ugly as possible" sweepstakes. For the love of God, people, if you have to tile a picture of yourself in the background of a page, at least make it an image where you look good.
@Reply: Yes, grabbing other people's babies out of their hands is weird.
Character Overage: Somehow, we always knew Rooster Teeth was being run by total weirdoes. At least Griffon here is actually really funny. Just, apparently, a secret baby thief.
@Reply: It still qualifies as "living" when you squat in the basement.
Character Overage: I've got to ask: Doing what, selling crack? And how much did this guy contribute, anyway? He's a graphic designer, I rent five of those to put my pants on for me.
@Reply: So basically you're the guy who's been minting lesbians left and right?
Character Overage: This whole "ironic douchebag" thing is getting old, and Twitter seems to be the rotting, pulsating heart of it. Seriously, knock it off. There are other funny things in the world. Like the irony of somebody paid to mock Twitter mocking irony.
And now, ladies and gentlemen...I bring you PeanutFreeMom.
PeanutFreeMom is supposedly the account of one Debra O'Brien-Jones of Natick, MA, a mother with a son named Caleb and an ego that's completely limitless.
In reality, it's actually the account of a man in Natick who works in an upscale children's care center. "PeanutFreeMom" consists almost entirely of things he overhears.
We're not sure if this makes it better or worse, somehow. He doesn't actually mean the awful, self-centered, horrible things he tweets...but on the other hand, the divorced, arrogant moms he deals with on a daily basis quite obviously do.
Either way, we have to pay tribute to this anonymous man. He has won Twitter. All of it. It is his to control now.
If you think we're kidding, look at the replies he gets.
That's it for this month! Keep tweeting, but tweet modestly, and ask yourself "Do I really want to say this to total strangers, who will point and laugh?"