I meant to post about this yesterday but completely forgot and thankfully seeing the Funny or Die gif above — which takes one of the funniest gifs of all time to another level with Kim Kardashian getting swallowed by a Great White shark — reminded me of it: comedian Rob Delaney, who’s risen to prominence by being arguably the funniest person on Twitter, has filed a class action lawsuit against Kim Kardashian, Ryan Seacrest (producer of the dreadful reality show she stars in) and E! Entertainment Television for deceiving the public with a sham marriage.
It is alleged that Kim Kardshian was paid $18 million to participate in her own wedding. I feel like schools could use that money. Or health clinics in areas hit hardest by the recession. Or Pizza Hut. Or Bernie Madoff. Or my uncle Mitchell, who is a convicted sex offender making a living selling Percocet to the elderly in Rhode Island.
KIM KARDASHIAN, I WANT THIS FOR YOU. I don’t hate you. I hate your shows. I hate that I know who you are. But I could move to Patagonia or New Guinea and escape you if I wasn’t as willingly bound up in our terrifying modern consumer culture as you are. I know that under your unnecessary inch of makeup and Kevlar sheath dress is a heart that yearns for true love and could find and appreciate the pleasures in marriage that I described above. That’s why I’d like you to stay married. And if you won’t, I will sue you. Because when you wrap your marriage vows around a cubic zirconia encrusted baseball bat and beat us about the head and face with them, you can stay the fuck married for more than 20 minutes, you sexy monster. I’ll see you in court.
And here’s Delaney talking about the lawsuit with MTV:
This without question the finest use of the American justice system since EVER and Rob Delaney is a goddamn national treasure. Now where do I sign up to join the lawsuit?