Very few titles actually mean something in this world – President, Prime Minister, Pope… they’re all hallow, meaningless titles invented to impress girls. But the “Sexiest Man Alive?" That’s a title that you can hang your hat on. The brilliant minds at People magazine are responsible for conducting the series of scientific tests that determines who the Sexiest Man Alive is, and while we will never know why each man given this title somehow stops being sexy after approximately 365 days, we do know that it is an ultimate honor that cannot be bested, even by 1 million Nobel Prizes glued together.
The newest Sexiest Man Alive is actor Bradley Cooper, as announced on the cover of the latest edition of People. There is no denying that Cooper is an attractive man, capable of snapping his fingers and making a woman’s underwear disintegrate. I would like to be friends with him, perhaps watch football and get his advice on cologne. But call him the Sexiest Man Alive – SCIENCE BE DAMNED! – I will not.
The Sexiest Man Alive is clearly Ryan Gosling, he of The Notebook and The Ides of March fame, as well as the Hey Girl meme and all of its imitators. This shouldn’t even be up for debate, dammit! Our friends at Buzzfeed agree, and they hosted a protest at the People headquarters in midtown Manhattan earlier today to raise awareness of this injustice to the world while other people were protesting other injustices downtown. And the people, they did come, and they shouted from their mountain top that the Baby Goose is the one who is the sexiest. Then the cops showed up and made them all leave. But not even the police can contain Gosling’s boyish charm and brazen good looks.
Keep the protest alive, and make sure to sign Buzzfeed’s petition to correct the biggest mistake since we elected James A. Garfield as president.