"If you got a landscaping problem, yo I'll solve it."
I have a confession to make: My favorite show on TV right now is The Vanilla Ice Project. Man, it feels good to get that off my chest. Sure, I love the UPROXX prerequisite shows like Parks and Rec, 30 Rock and Archer, but there’s just something about seeing the guy who gave us “Ice, Ice Baby” and “Ninja Rap” injecting his fake urban speak and style into large scale home restoration projects. It’s absolutely fascinating.
So that got my brain’s hamster wheel turning a little, and I reached out to my some of my UPROXXian colleagues – Vince, DangerGuerrero and Matt – and asked the greatest question of them all: What other one hit wonder artists deserve a pop culture comeback with their own reality TV show? The quick answer? A lot. Were you alive during the 1990s? It was incredibly underrated in terms of terrible music and style. When all is said and done and this planet stops spinning, I think the 90s will be remembered as worse than the 80s.
The only thing that disappoints me about The Vanilla Ice Project, though, is that the name is so bland. We love puns, so we want something catchy, clever and familiar, like Price, Price Baby or To the Extreme Home Makeover. That’s why if DIY or HGTV chooses to use any of our ideas (free of charge, I just want a producer credit) they need to have punny titles. Sorry, but that’s the deal breaker.
Enjoy our terribly photoshopped suggestions after the jump and feel free to add your own in the comments so I can respond, "Ohhhhhh yeah, I forgot about them!"
Premise: The members of Tripping Daisy roll up their sleeves and rescue animals of all kinds while nursing them back to health.
Premise: The Toadies run an actual possum sanctuary. For good measure, it will be down by the water.
Premise: Harvey Danger visits nursing homes and churches to find America's best doily and mitten makers.
Premise: Paula Cole travels the country looking for America’s best seafood sub.
Premise: Lisa Loeb hooks up a school bus with veterinarians, as she drives around fixing stray animals.
(Ed. Note - I know she's already had a show or two, but she should have a show forever because High School Burnsy says so.)
Premise: Semisonic channels NBC’s The Voice to pick the most outstanding aspiring chai tea brewers.
Premise: The Proclaimers open and try to maintain a classic movie theater all by themselves. Oh they'll haver, all right!
Premise: The guys from Deep Blue Something host a morning talk show at an 80s pop star's house, as they literally have breakfast at Tiffany's.
Premise: Suzanne Vega hits the road with Guy Fieri and they continue to show us the best eating establishments we’ve never heard of.
Premise: Chumbawumba invites fans to fight until they’re knocked down and can’t get back up again.
Premise: 3rd Bass’s MC Serch gets a job as an elementary school art teacher.
Premise: Gerardo shows us the latest news in video games, tech gadgets and blazers without shirts.
Premise: Nelson takes Cake Wars to the next level when the brothers pit actual couples against each other in a battle of making sweets.
Premise: Neil Doughty and friends embark on a journey to find the best food trucks in America. (Alternate title: “I Can’t Bite This Feeling”.)
(Ed. Note - REO Speedwagon is not a one hit wonder, but I love them and wanted to include them.)
Premise: Lou Bega hosts this celebrity competition that pits teams of D-listers against each other in Survivor-style beekeeping.
Premise: Daniel Powter is no longer kept alive as the anthem of NFL.com fantasy football, as he opens a Texas dude ranch to train wild mustangs.
Premise: The Divinyls head to the Netherlands to explore food, culture and masturbation abroad.
Premise: The surviving members of Blind Melon compete against other bands to cross the country without flying.
Premise: Marc Cohn tackles his love of Asian cuisine, as he opens a Chinese buffet.
Premise: Saigon Kick hosts a competitive reality show that features people both trying to lose weight and find love.
Premise: Each week, Right Said Fred takes on the stereotypes of different religions while wearing mesh and/or sleeveless shirts.
Premise: The Crash Test Dummies challenge their fans to wear blindfolds and identify different wonderful smells.
Premise: Ini Kamoze travels to the most unreachable places on the planet as he dares people to eat the hottest peppers of their regions.
Premise: The guys from Luniz take their vegetarian and vegan cuisine food truck to the streets.
Premise: Mark Morrison challenges foodies to create and market gluten free snack options.
Premise: The members of Wheatus coach and judge an under-10 girls pageant while dealing with insane moms.
Premise: Craig Mack searches far and wide for the best ales and lagers, from the most popular brands to unknown microbrews.
Premise: The crooners of All-4-One launch their new line of urban ski wear, but can they hit the stores in time for the winter?
Premise: The Baha Men team up with Al Gore and other climatologists in trying to solve the problem of air pollution.
Premise: Sinead O’Connor explores different ways in which sheep have helped humans survive over centuries.
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Great stuff. Alternate for Marc Cohn – ‘Wanking In Memphis’ – Marc attempts to masturbate in as different parts of Memphis in 24 hours.
Dexy’s Midnight Run
The “Come On,. Eileen” singers take their lives on the road as they become bounty hunters.
Save Ferris Wheels
The other “Come On,. Eileen” singers buy and restore run-down amusement park attractions.
That Paula Cole shop just made my day.
Predictably, the Paula Cole poboy one made mine.
…as well. I forgot to add “as well” at the end. Don’t mind me, I have a headache.
But she had two hits! Dawson’s Creek knows what I’m talking about.
Los Del Rio Grande
The “Macarena” singers join the United States Border Patrol.
Jesus, Lisa Loeb still gives me a chubby. Other chicks can try to pull off that glasses look, but no one will ever pull it off like her.
“Lump”
Kris Kross travels the nation giving breast exams, while also designing a new, more fashionable hospital gown that looks like a varsity jacket worn backwards.
Works better for Presidents of the United States of America
Peaches removed due to Lumps?
Kriss Kross was not a one hit wonder. They didn’t just Jump Jump, they also Missed the Bus (and they’ll never ever do it again).
Ouch. Tripping Daisy, Toadies, Deep Blue Something and Vanilla Ice. It’s a sad day for 90′s Dallas bands. Although you could add New Bohemians to that list and make it complete.
“The Recession That I Get”
The Mighty Mighty Bosstones visit blighted urban centers struck hardest by a failing economy, judging contests for out-of-work Americans for a chance to win a small-business grant.
I like that we’re ignoring Suzanne Vega’s actual hit, because it’s about actually hitting children.
Yes, but it was against rather than in support of, for some reason. Luca should’ve just done the goddamn dishes like he was told.
Dammit, Burnsy! I was all ready to write in “Here Comes the Hot Pepper” and you had to go and read my mind!
“Pave Tonight”
Eagle Eye Cherry helps pave driveways and roadways in different towns across America, while people confuse him with Ben Harper.
Great article…it pains me to see the Toadies lumped in here. Those cats are pretty awesome all around.
To be even more completely truthful, Blind Melon’s first two albums are constantly coming up in my playlists.
Sometimes even talented people only pull off one hit.
To be completely truthful, Terence Trent D’arby has been known to find some room on my playlists
Same here. TTD coulda been a contender. Then he went a little weird.
“Soup! There it is!”
Tag Team travels around the world to try out different chowders and soups.
“Groove is in the Harp”
Dee-Lite judges a talent contest to find the world’s best harpist.
Snow becomes a criminal informer. And then he licky boom boom down.
I’d let Bran Van 3000 introduce me to Los Angeles boozecans unbeknownst to me.
Those two Nelson girls are butt ugly
Suzanne Vega is not a one hit wonder, come on…
I’ll never click through a slideshow
[www.youtube.com]
“Let The Day Begin”
The ghost of The Call lead singer Micheal Been wakes up a random celebrity every morning.
Can we stipulate that Lisa Loeb can only wear panties and a bra during the show? Maybe if it’s cold she can toss on an unbuttoned cardigan, but absolutely NO PANTS.
This.
I would watch the ever-loving shit out of “Pop Goes the Easel.”
“Mixed media? That gets the gas face.”
How about if Afroman hosts a celebrity pastry eating contest.
“Because I Got Pie”
Didn’t MTV already do this with Xhibit and Pimp My Ride?
“Six-Pence You’re The Richer”- A man-on-the-street trivia show hosted by the annoying group that sang “Kiss Me”
“Preening Trees”, 90s grunge rockers Screaming Trees travel to Japan to learn the art of Banzia.
“What IS Love?” Haddaway hosts a discussion panel where dating and relationship topics are discussed. During sweeps week, Foreigner guest stars, because they also wanna know what love is.
“How Do You Talk To A Bagel” – The Heights are tasked with reviving a failing NYC Bagel Shop.
“In The Bean Time” – The members of Spacehog travel the country to find America’s best barista.
sorry, I enjoy doing these
“Rockwell, Paper, Scissors” The singer of “Somebody’s Watching Me” hosts a game show based on the classic schoolyard game, for fun and prizes.
“I Wish I Was A Baller” Skee-Lo hosts a weekly basketball tournament featuring two team made up of a celebrity, a former NBA player, and two “little people.”
“Men With Many Hats” the group famous for “The Safety Dance” take on a new job every week, from construction, to welding, to cattle-rustling, to bouncing at a nightclub.
Goddamn, I want to purchase VH1 and make you head of programming.
The Mark Morrison addition is truly a touch of class.
Third Eye Venetian Blinds:
The Bay-area band reunites to create thoughtful, inspiring, and ultimately forgettable window treatments.
Groove Is In The B.A.R.T.
Deee-lite hosts a Taxi Cab confessions type show in San Francisco’s subway system.
I’d contribute to a Kickstarter campaign to make this happen.
Tarzana Boy
Baltimora hosts a Tarzana , California based house-flipping show
Ini Kamoze’s the shit you heard world a reggae?
“She Blinded Me With Silence!” Thomas Dolby’s family documentary series following a sightless patriarch and his deaf-mute wife.
“You’re Going to Eat Too, Fat Boy” Silverchair presents a tag-team competitive eating competition.
“Do What You Do” Jermaine Jackson spotlights a different working professional each week, following them through their day as they…do what they do.
“The Night Chicago Fried” Regional cooking show hosted by the members of Paper Lace.
“Kajagoogoo become reluctant dentists in “Tooth Shy”
Best known for being in a music video directed by a young Michel Gondry, Lucas becomes the next Bear Grylls in “Lucas With The Grid Off”
The Spin Doctors in “Two Blintzes” where the guys judge a “Chopped” style blintz competition. Have a bite guys, just go ahead now.
“I ain’t got no future or family tree, but I know that these blintzes will be hard to beat”
Well done, Burnsy; you are a gentleman and a scholar. I was holding my breath for the Nelson-themed show. I was surprised that it was so far in the slideshow; I admire your restraint.
(Don’t) Jump — Kris Kross spend time with New York’s NYPD Crisis Unit, learning to talk people off of ledges.
One Weak — the Barenaked Ladies host a ‘Biggest Loser’-esque competition in which scrawny weaklings compete to see who can pack on the most muscle mass over the course of the season.
Plump’n'Round — House of Pain hosts a weekly plus-sized modeling competition. NBC immediately tries to jump on the bandwagon by giving Sir Mix-a-lot the exact same show. Gives it Parks and Rec’s time slot.
“Raise You Like I Should”
Fatboy Slim helps to reform terrible parents.