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The Internet Will Never Approve Of The ‘Total Recall’ Remake: A Dissection

Written by Maske / 07.31.12

#3: Walter White Is Not The Villain

Bryan Cranston is the best. No one denies this. And while casting him as Cohaagen is nice, it would take him informing Douglas Quaid, “I AM THE DANGER” while get naughty below a desk with Kate Beckinsale to properly move the needle.

#4: The Original Broke All The Glass In Hollywood

True story. That’s why they have to use so much green screen now. Embedding also disabled. GRRRRR. Relevant GIF in it’s place:

#5: It’s PG-13

Not only are the three-boobed hooker’s three boobs covered, but the “MAKE OUT” moment between Beckinsale and Biel that would certainly find a home on the world wide web is definitely not happening. And it was really the only hope.

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12 comments
Maske posted

"The Internet Will Never Approve Of The ‘Total Recall’ Remake: A Dissection"

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    07.31.12 at 3:40 pm
    JustinJump

    I don’t understand any of this. People love the OG Total Recall “ironically?” Since when? I love that movie because it’s a GREAT FUCKING MOVIE. And I will break down WHY it’s a great movie scene-for-scene, beat-for-beat if I have to.

    But yes, aside from that one sentence, I agree. This new mockery will never be accepted. Hiss! Fie!

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    07.31.12 at 3:43 pm
    JP (from the B)

    OK, here’s your **** SPOILER ALERT **** – The hooker’s boobs were covered at Comic-Con because IT WAS COMIC-CON!! She couldn’t be walking around poking little kids’ eyes out! Rest assured, you’ll see them in the film, which I really enjoyed. (The film, I mean.)

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      07.31.12 at 4:08 pm
      JustinJump

      How? Isn’t it PG-13?

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      07.31.12 at 5:24 pm
      JP (from the B)

      The rating is for “intense sequences of sci-fi violence and action,some sexual content, brief nudity, and language” – according to the mpaa

      Sony included it (them) in their clip package at Cinemacon, so it really wasn’t a surprise when they were revealed in all their silicone/papier-mache glory.

      This ain’t your (mom’s/grandma’s/older sister’s) PG-13.

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      07.31.12 at 5:25 pm
      Maske ☆

      This smells of unrated DVD to me. Consider it in my Netflix queue.

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      07.31.12 at 7:06 pm
      JustinJump

      @ JP

      But if anything, the PG-13 rating has gotten SOFTER over the years…at least when it comes to nudity.

      So you’re saying you’ve seen the movie in it’s entirety? In its theatrical cut? And they STILL have a full-frontal 3-titty shot? Hm. I dunno.

      I can buy some side-titty. But full-on 3-titty? No way. Not in today’s PG-13.

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      07.31.12 at 9:06 pm
      JustinJump

      Or wait….the PG-13 rating has gotten HARDER over the years. More stringent.

      Penis.

  3. [avatar]
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    07.31.12 at 3:46 pm
    Alcoholics Gratuitous

    I like Total Recall for serious, not for irony. The new version looks pretty good. I probably won’t see it but I certainly won’t bash it on the internet before seeing it…

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    07.31.12 at 3:52 pm
    Carl Spackler

    So they’re remaking a movie that was a crappy take on a great short story by Phillip K Dick and you think it’s going to fail because Internet Nerds enjoy mocking the original movie so much? I think you have grossly overestimated (a) the ability of Internet Nerds to resist a sci-fi movie with Jessica Biel and Kate Beckensdale in it (b) the number of Internet Nerds who actually enjoy making fun of Total Recall and (c) the even fewer number of Internet Nerds who feel that a remake of bad movie will somehow invalidate the crappiness of the movie and the amount of pleasure they will derive from mocking it in the future.

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    07.31.12 at 9:33 pm
    Otto Man

    Every time I see CNN reporter Barbara Starr, I think of that disguise from the original.

    Every. Fucking. Time.

    One day, she’s going to close out a report from the Pentagon with “Get ready for a big surrrrprrriiiiiise!” and I’m going to piss myself in excitement.

  6. [avatar]
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    08.01.12 at 11:39 am
    tittymeat82

    If you like Total Recall for purely ironic reasons, fuck you hipster douche. Total Recall is awesome all around.

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    08.01.12 at 2:08 pm
    waters23

    my friend’s mother-in-law brought home $12582 the prior week. she is making cash on the internet and bought a $540900 house. All she did was get lucky and follow the steps exposed on this site NUTTYR|CH.C0M

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