Recently I somehow found myself discussing the banking industry — more specifically the regulation of the banking industry — with a conservative-leaning friend from the South. In the course of the conversation, I mentioned how living in New York for a number of years had given me a window into the lives of many revolting people who work on Wall Street, and how having a front row seat into their ridiculous lives made me not at all sympathetic to the argument that the banking industry shouldn’t be heavily regulated, not to mention the whole economic meltdown thing back in 2007/2008.
With that said, the email below published by Jezebel over the weekend – in which a young, aspiring banker bro announces to his former frat bros that he’s starting a hedge fund with his trust fund money and is looking to hire a couple of associates to get rich and rack up hot “slampieces” with him — rings all too true to me. Like, there’s a good chance that I have met this dude. But then again there are thousands of others just like him running around New York at any given moment, so who knows?
Anyway, below is the full terrible email, an email so terrible that you may find yourself suddenly warming up to the concept of communism — if only for a moment — when it hits you that this guy may actually be out there running a hedge fund right now (the email was written in 2011)…
——- Forwarded Message ——-
Sent: Fri, 09 Dec 2011 13:35:13 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Great Job Opportunity – PLEASE READ
As some of you may already know, I have been interested in the world of finance for some time. After a series of summer internships, however, I have somehow found myself without a full-time job offer for the upcoming year. Fuckin’ Obama’s fault for strangling this economy.
Luckily, due to the tough job market, my dad has agreed to let me access my trust fund early (mid 7-figures) to start a relatively small hedge fund, ___ Ventures, after graduation. I’m emailing you guys today to let you know that, for the rest rest of the year, I will be recruiting 2 full-time employees and 1 intern to help me get this off the ground.
With my financial expertise, help from my powerful father and connections, and a skilled team, I have no doubt that this fund will rise quickly to prominence. We’ll all get filthy rich and, inevitably, bag hot slampieces. If possible, I’d love to give all 3 of these positions to my brothers.
Although you would technically be working for me, I like to think of it more as a team effort. I know that my education and background qualifies me to lead a venture of this sort, and I would really appreciate your support. Below are the job descriptions. If interested, please email me a resume, cover letter, and paragraph describing why you would be excited to work with me.
Position 1: Lead Investment Analyst
-Because I will spend most of my time networking, raising money, and handshaking with industry bigwigs, I need someone with a strong quant background to take care of the majority of actual analysis.
-Finance experience preferred but not required
-Compensation: Low six figures with benefits
Postion 2: Office Manager/Secretary
-Although this may not sound like the most prestigious role within a fund, someone needs to hand the day-to-day operations and while I and my Lead Investment Analyst conduct strategies to make us all rich. This person would also be in charge of hiring hot secretaries for us to ogle (and possibly slam) during the workday.
-Detail oriented person needed
-Compensation: $70,000 base with benefits (like working close with a slampiece)
Position 3: Intern/Pledge
-This position is available to all sophomores and juniors. Think of it like pledging my hedge fund (so xxx and xxx need not apply)
-I will judge this position primarily based on how hard you pledged and how I rate your slampiece pulling ability
-Compensation: $25/hr with a good opportunity for full-time employment post graduation.
I’m really excited to get this going, and I hope some of you will be joining me. Let me know if you have any questions at all.
According to Jezebel’s Anna Breslaw, the bro who wrote this is “an actual human being who has numerals at the end of his name.” She adds: “I have taken to The Google and found out who his father is; it is not a surprise.”
America is f*cked, you guys.
(Pic via Shutterstock)
I want more like this!
Follow us on Facebook and get the latest before everyone else.