10 UFC SPONSORS WHO MAKE ME EMBARRASSED TO LIKE UFC

I don’t want to expend too much energy trying to prove to you my big brain cred, but let’s just say that between my numerous degrees from high-priced universities, a number of elementary school spelling bee titles, and a drawing room that smells of rich mahogany and the panties of only the classiest Craigslist casual encounters hookups, I’m quite the cultured intellectual.  My staggering intellect notwithstanding, there’s nothing I enjoy more than the sight of two sweaty dudes in their underwear beating the piss, crap, blood, and snot bubbles out of each other.  That’s right, I’m talking about mixed martial arts.  To the less initiated, UFC.  I’m smart, and I love it.  And so do many of my smartest friends; doctors, lawyers, rocket scientists, and quadriplegic physicists among them.  It’s arguably more strategic than any sports involving balls, and it involves the inherent possibility that the cerebral, better-prepared, more intelligent fighter will prevail over the belligerent, beef-headed meatbrain, in an outcome that’s as unambiguous as it is unconscious.  And what intelligent person wouldn’t love that?  …Steve?  F-ck Steve, Steve is a p-ssy.

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How To Get Hired with Social Networking

Everybody wants a job right now, the unemployment rate being what it is, and finding that job can be harder than your ex-boss’s skull. Luckily, we live in an age where networking doesn’t involve calling all your friends, it involves being out there in the public. It’s easy to catch attention, and you can do it by:

#1) Getting your resume online

The best way to do this is with a clean, simple webpage that makes reading your resume easy. Make it easy to find; tie it to your blog or your own web domain. Make it a specific, easy to remember link. And then make sure that link is in every profile on every social networking site you maintain. If somebody wants to know more about you, your resume should be the first thing they see.

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Lost In Technology

5 Things Only an Idiot Would Buy Thanks to the Internet

Complain all you want about the state of the world, but overall, we have it pretty good.  Back when your parents were free to entertain themselves with night after night of sloppy, sweaty sex because you hadn’t yet come along to crush their hopes and dreams, things weren’t quite as cushy as they are now.

Back in their day, if you were concerned about what that nagging pain in your side was, you actually had to go to the doctor.  If you wanted to watch porn, you had to put a tape in a VCR.  And if you wanted information, you had to go to a library.  Gross!

But the internet changed all that.  Nowadays, almost anything you could ever need is right at your fingertips and, in some cases, you don’t even have to pay for it!  That’s why it boggles the mind that people actually still spend money on some things.  For example…

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6 Silent Badasses

Silence is golden. And it can kick your a## too.

Don’t you hate it when you meet a sexy girl and she ruins everything by talking? Me too, especially when the talking leads to her informing me that she’s my cousin. Hollywood is kind of like that, ruining perfectly awesome characters with stupid one-liners. Thankfully, some characers in movies, comics and the wonderful world of professional wrestling are able to maintain their badass personas by staying quiet. Here, we pay homage to badass characters that never utter a word.

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THE TOP 20 5-SECOND FILMS IN 5 WORDS OR LESS

If you’re an Internet user who’s half the lazy time-waster that I am, you’ve probably seen something from 5-Second Films before. The website has been featured on both “Attack of the Show” and “Tosh.0,” which are TV shows about the Internet for geeks who like to have their obsessions validated by cable television. In fact, “AOTS” co-host Olivia Munn called 5-Second Films “hit or miss,” which is precisely the kind of recognition I’ve been trying to get from Olivia for years. But she has effective security guards and a team of lawyers that have a bottomless well of “cease and desist” letters. Alas.

Thus it is with great pleasure that Uproxx has teamed with 5-Second Films to present their twenty best creations. In  honor of this momentous occasion for independent dot-com venues, I have given each clip a write-up of five words or fewer (please note that the headline is grammatically incorrect merely because it sounds better that way). Perhaps some day, Olivia Munn will describe these descriptions as “hit or miss.” And also send me the Princess Leia slave costume she wore at Comic-Con.

Here we go. I like the ones with baby violence and/or drinking!

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