To the untrained eye Nicolas Cage is seemingly in every film and television project ever. This — sadly — is not actually the case. There are plenty of popular projects he somehow missed out on and an argument can be made — slightly ironically albeit — that they would have all been improved if Nic Cage had been in them starred in every single role.

If there was only some way the internet could right this injustice?

Enter: Our Brazilian friend Matheus Candido, the man behind modern masterpiece Nicolas Cage as every Avenger. Matheus recently reached out to let us know he is in the process of answering his life’s calling with a new Facebook page dedicated to photoshoppping Nic Cage in all the roles he should have done. Some make perfect sense. Some make zero sense. Some are precision photoshops. Some look like I made them in MS Paint. All are glorious.

Here are a whole bunch of Matheus’s finest work to inspire us to begin a letter writing campaign to ensure that Nicolas Cage is cryogenically frozen and then replicated in the future when we have the technology.

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So tonight I was at home, fiddling around in my kitchen, making a little dinner, gearing up to watch the NBA playoffs tonight — then I check Twitter and see that people in my timeline were chattering about Donald Glover, saying things like, “Is Childish Gambino about to commit suicide?” So I checked out his feed and discovered that he’d posted what clocks in as a nearly 800 word rant in a series of tweets. At the end he directs people to his website for a free song download.

Now, I’ve read the whole thing twice and still don’t know what exactly to make of it — it seems to me that he’s a little sensitive (emo, perhaps?) and his a$s is chapped a bit by criticism of his music. Anyway, I copied and pasted the entire unedited rant below. If you can make better sense of it, please feel free to share your insights in the comments.

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Well it looks as though avant-garde Twitter comedian Chuck Grassley — a Republican senator from Iowa — is broadening his social media horizons: Mashable reports that he’s joined Vyou, the site that lets users broadcast post videos responding to questions sent in by random people on the internet.

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This weekend, Redditor IanL27 posted an image macro which kicked off the hilariously inappropriate “Almost Politically Correct Redneck” meme. Most of the macros open with a statement that’s civilized, then finish with something absurdly offensive or creepy. Often he’s arriving at the more empathetic outlook for the wrong reason. In other words, it’s “GOLD, JERRY, GOLD!”

Part of its quick popularity is likely a response to North Carolina’s Amendment One. Brett Ratner told me that Almost Politically Correct Redneck did not vote in favor of Amendment One . . . because voting is for f—gots. (I’m allowed to say that because I’m a center fielder for the pink team. Assume I made a pitcher/catcher joke here and we’ll move on.)

All of the pictures below are courtesy of Quickmeme, and man did these take a while to find. There are over 600 image macros for this, and yet I had to wade through several pages of unusable pictures and click the frowny face all over the place because so many of them were filled with over-the-top slurs preceded by a set-up which wasn’t even a politically correct statement. In other words, trolls be trollin’.

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Buying concert tickets through Ticketmaster is the worst. No one denies this. Not only do you have to worry about whether the event’s going to sell out and that dumb, always impossible to decipher security code (they’re not always this good), you also know you’re going to pay $$$ for your ticket and then $$$$ in assorted fees. So jam band String Cheese Incident recently devised a way of getting around the evil, monopolistic monster that is Ticketmaster.

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One of my favorite things about this time of year are the commencement addresses delivered to graduating students at colleges and universities across that country that pop up on YouTube. I enjoy watching/listening/reading these speeches because I think they’re often filled with wisdom and inspiration that we all can take from them.

At some point in the coming days there will probably be an UPROXX post featuring what we think are the best ones, but some are so outstanding that they deserve their own post, like the one Aaron Sorkin delivered at Syracuse University last weekend, my favorite line from which is this…

“Develop your own compass, and trust it. Take risks, dare to fail, remember the first person through the wall always gets hurt.”

Yes, the soon-to-be-shamer of Ashton Kutcher is spot-on. Video and full transcript of his speech are below. Enjoy…

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FYI, the sheep represents the Beliebers and the fisherman represents Drew in this GIF.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned today, it’s this: NEVER do a Facebook or Twitter search for “Justin Bieber.” Your feed will drown in an overflowing cesspool of RTs, “Follow Me”s, and delusional, hopeless adoration for an 18-year-old “swaggy bro.”

Today, all the “Beliebers,” as they’re known, are discussing/babbling/whining about Big Daddy Drew’s outstanding GQ profile of their boy hero. Well, actually, most are linking to the videos of Bieber on GQ’s website, but SOME are talking about his article – and they don’t like it. Let’s just say that there’s a lot of this out there…

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I want to buy drinks or something for Jon Hopwood, the IMDB writer responsible for penning shedding, wig-wearing famous person Kim Kardashian’s IMDB bio. Hell, I kind of want to set him up with a hooker for the first paragraph alone.

Kim Kardashian is emblematic of the shallowness of American culture in the first two decades of the new millennium. While some cultural critics call her the prime avatar of the “famous for being famous” faux celebrity crowd, she along with Paris Hilton is a new breed of cat whose celebrity comes from the release of a sex tape and the canny exploitation of the resulting publicity. Like her good friend Miss Hilton (their relationship predates Kim’s “celebrity”, Kardashian is possessed of photogenic good looks but is short of any other discernible talents outside of the bedroom. Both expanded their celebrity by becoming reality TV “stars”.

Boom, roasted!

And then comes the second paragraph…

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So, you’re a company that thrives primarily on advertising. You’re about to open up your IPO to the world, and in fact are now demanding more money per share.

Do you really need a major company like GM yanking $40 million a year in advertising buys, stating that basically those ad buys have no impact?

No? Tough, Zucks, it’s happening anyway, and they’re not the only ones thinking about it.

Industry analysts have recently reported that companies are beginning to re-evaluate social media-based advertising. “Companies in industries from consumer electronics to financial services tell us they’re no longer sure Facebook is the best place to dedicate their social marketing budget—a shocking fact given the site’s dominance among users,” wrote Melissa Parrish, a Forrester analyst, on Monday.

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“Hey, music fan, do you love punk? Of course you do! Then you’ll love this collection of punk’s greatest hits. Sure, we didn’t include the Ramones, Circle Jerks, the Clash, or X-Ray Spex, but we do have the anarchistic Huey Lewis and the News, riotous Love and Rockets, and the totally anti-establishment Thompson Twins. You’ll be shouting F*CK THE MAN while listening to Crowded House and their crust-punk classic ‘Don’t Dream It’s Over.’ The Dead Boys? Never heard of ‘em. I’m too busy listening to the original bad boy, Tommy Tutone.”

Such is the message of a wonderful commercial from the 1990s that features two “punks” (“YEAH!”) hawking a compilation of the finest songs punk has to offer, including “Karma Chameleon” and Toni Basil’s “Mickey.” I know “punk” is a BS phrase that doesn’t mean anything, BUT: for the love of Joe Strummer, why did this happen? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to put a pin through my nose and listen to INXS for the rest of the day.

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Quick…what the worst idea you’ve ever heard? Forcing readers of your website to “like” stuff on Facebook in order to read it? Yes, that’s a truly horrific idea, surely, but I’m not sure it’s the worst. Casting Ashton Kutcher to play Steve Jobs in a biopic? Equally appalling in its awfulness.

However, all of those bad ideas have been officially superseded by Virgin Atlantic’s bright idea to open the floodgates to people being able to yap on their cellphones on commercial flights.

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UPROXX favorite Patton Oswalt is hosting the 16th Annual Webby Awards on May 21st and to promote the event they’ve put together this Everything Is Terribile-style mockumentary on the internet commenting phenomenon “first.” I know what you’re thinking: Sixteen years of Webby Awards? AVNs watch your back!

The clip focuses on Donny “Diamond” Ruiz, The Internet’s First “First.” He’s a sad, lonely, tormented man played by Oswalt in a role I’m going to assume was entirely improvised. I realize it’s all for fun and simply a clever way to promote the Webbys, but I can’t help but feel Patton Oswalt has tapped into the soul of the person who types “first” in internet comments. It’s just so exactly how I imagine it.

I don’t know sh*t about the Webbys (call me when I’m nominated, d*cks) but if there’s a category for commenter parody, this year has a slam dunk winner. As long as they don’t have one of those stupid rules about contest winners not being in any way associated with the show. F you, Kiss FM. My cousin doesn’t even get benefits.

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