Adorable Kittens Cause Massive Property Damage, Bodily Injury

"Target acquired."

Kittens are in the news today, mostly because their adorableness is making them agents of chaos.

We start in Vienna, where the soul-rending pitiful meowing of a kitten drew the attention of police and firefighters. Despite being trained professionals, the kitten eluded them, sneaking from car to car, before finally disappearing into the guts of a police cruiser. Most people would go to the convenience store down the street for some Pounce treats to lure it out, but, this being Vienna, our crack research team shows that they have neither Pounce treats nor convenience stores, and is in fact located in a pocket universe next to the Negative Zone.

8 Famous Sea Monsters And Their Amazing Real Life Equivalents

8. Sea Monk

What it was: An animal found off the coast of Denmark that apparently looked like Aquaman’s unholy cousin.

The Sea Messiah

Since this occurred in 1546 back when just about everything had to be Christian, the Sea Monk’s non-denominational, real life equivalence is either a misidentified squid…

Or one of several animals, including seals, angel sharks, or a little something called Jenny Haniver, which is a dry sting ray shaped to look like a devil.  If you put it back into the water, well… let’s just say it looks crazy enough on dry land that if you ever saw one floating toward you, we wouldn’t hold it against you if you blew the monster whistle.

The 5 Worst Things About the Gaming Industry

Let’s get one thing clear: the gaming industry is, in many ways, wonderful.  It produces some great products that provide many gamers with hours of entertainment and eventual heart failure.  The industry, however, has some bad habits that make Hollywood look like a church choir.  Here are the worst things about it:

THE TRIBE OF EDWARD 40 HANDS

Though I’ve only spent a short number of years adventuring this big blue planet’s terrain, I have to admit that I’ve accomplished some very great things. In 1995, I became the first kid on my block to successfully dry hump Crissy Minnihan on the second floor of my treehouse -in a swimsuit (thank you very much). In ’98, I unearthed what scientists have described as “about 20 years’ worth of your father’s porno magazines”, a find that cemented my place in the halls of greatness at my middle school. And, in 2008, I called my friend Justin a “c*ck huff” as to so eloquently suggest that he was an individual who did, in fact, inhale penis; a combination of words that, to this day, I’m proud of. I tell you these things as to set the precedent of what I have achieved and to offer comparison for my latest discovery, the most important research I have ever held, a cultural delving and study of an ancient people: the Tribe of Edward 40 hands.

An Open Letter to Adrien Brody – What Happened to You, Man?

Dear Brody… urh… Adrien… uhm… Hi?

How’s every little thing? Good, I hope. You still with January? How’s she holding up? Good, I hope. Yup… yup… Ah hell, look man, I am so sorry to do this to you via letter (might as well have carved this into a dead hobo planted in your bathtub, right? Ha, ha, ha…). It’s just, we haven’t seen each other in so long I don’t know if I’d be able to say what I want to say if we were meeting face to face. Of course I hardly think that’s entirely my fault. Where the hell were you for the last couple of years? I went to see “Star Trek” when it came out ‘cause I remembered you said you will be there, but then you weren’t, and then later I heard you were in something called… The Brothers Bloom? Was that a gay porno? But I am just making excuses. The truth is nobody’s really at fault for why we haven’t been hanging out lately. It just happened, but it also gave me time to take a step back, and… you know what? I will just go ahead and ask it.

Adrien… are you a monstersexual?

“Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties”: Gaming’s First (and Only) Surrealist Softcore Adventure

You may be wondering why we’re presenting you with a grainy JPEG of a ’80s woman who fills the frame with cleavage. Is this shameless pandering to our core demographic? Are the editors asleep while I goof off at the wheel?

No, this is a still from the opening image of “Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties”, and if you think that title makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, get used to it. “Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties” is essentially a Skinemax movie…except it’s made entirely of still images, and it was an alleged game for the 3DO, that you can actually play along to, since it’s a “game” the same way a series of DVD menus is a game. Welcome to the rabbit hole.