5 Things Only an Idiot Would Buy Thanks to the Internet

Complain all you want about the state of the world, but overall, we have it pretty good.  Back when your parents were free to entertain themselves with night after night of sloppy, sweaty sex because you hadn’t yet come along to crush their hopes and dreams, things weren’t quite as cushy as they are now.

Back in their day, if you were concerned about what that nagging pain in your side was, you actually had to go to the doctor.  If you wanted to watch porn, you had to put a tape in a VCR.  And if you wanted information, you had to go to a library.  Gross!

But the internet changed all that.  Nowadays, almost anything you could ever need is right at your fingertips and, in some cases, you don’t even have to pay for it!  That’s why it boggles the mind that people actually still spend money on some things.  For example…

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6 Silent Badasses

Silence is golden. And it can kick your a## too.

Don’t you hate it when you meet a sexy girl and she ruins everything by talking? Me too, especially when the talking leads to her informing me that she’s my cousin. Hollywood is kind of like that, ruining perfectly awesome characters with stupid one-liners. Thankfully, some characers in movies, comics and the wonderful world of professional wrestling are able to maintain their badass personas by staying quiet. Here, we pay homage to badass characters that never utter a word.

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THE TOP 20 5-SECOND FILMS IN 5 WORDS OR LESS

If you’re an Internet user who’s half the lazy time-waster that I am, you’ve probably seen something from 5-Second Films before. The website has been featured on both “Attack of the Show” and “Tosh.0,” which are TV shows about the Internet for geeks who like to have their obsessions validated by cable television. In fact, “AOTS” co-host Olivia Munn called 5-Second Films “hit or miss,” which is precisely the kind of recognition I’ve been trying to get from Olivia for years. But she has effective security guards and a team of lawyers that have a bottomless well of “cease and desist” letters. Alas.

Thus it is with great pleasure that Uproxx has teamed with 5-Second Films to present their twenty best creations. In  honor of this momentous occasion for independent dot-com venues, I have given each clip a write-up of five words or fewer (please note that the headline is grammatically incorrect merely because it sounds better that way). Perhaps some day, Olivia Munn will describe these descriptions as “hit or miss.” And also send me the Princess Leia slave costume she wore at Comic-Con.

Here we go. I like the ones with baby violence and/or drinking!

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ENTER THE 36 CATHETERS: IF ‘THE GOLDEN GIRLS’ WERE WU-TANG CLAN MEMBERS

More often than not, responding to a ”roommates needed” ad, posted in a Miami grocery store, usually ends with you guest starring on a Bang Bros. episode (NSFW). But in 1985, when two brave, elderly women did just that (responded to an ad in a grocery store, not the Bang Bros. thing, sorry), their actions lead them to the address 6151 Richmond Street, or as American television audiences would come to know it: home to The Golden Girls. Later joined by one of the character’s mothers (talk about a c-ck block), three became four and the four became a cable phenomenon.

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HOW TO WRITE A HOLLYWOOD ROM-COM IN 10 EASY STEPS

Unless you’ve been living in the moron cave on Retard Mountain, you’ve probably noticed that romantic comedies are big business.  Movies like The Proposal, The Ugly Truth, that one with Matthew McConaughey and the treasure; they’re out there earning two and three hundred million dollars.  And if you think that’s because they’re good, I’ve got news for you, retard, you’re retarded.  The truth is, they make that kind of scratch because they tap into a familiar formula that boring people find comforting and recognize as one of their own, rather than attacking with pitchforks like they would an intellectual challenge, or the town ogre.  And now, because I’m such a righteous dude, I’m here to explain that formula to you, the cretinous layperson.  Because as they say, don’t hate the player.  Learn to make cheap knockoffs of his product, drive him out of business, and make his dog like you better than him, because f-ck that guy, who does he think he is.

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7 INVENTIONS STOLEN FROM NIKOLA TESLA

If you think this is impressive, you should see how he reads in the bathroom.

You’ve probably already heard about inventions by Nikola Tesla that have been credited to other inventors.  His work in the fields of radio, floroscopy, and vacuum tube amplifiers have been attributed in the past to Marconi, Edison, and Edison (again), respectively.  What you may not know is that many other modern-day inventions and some never-before-seen inventions were also his work.  After Tesla’s death, trunks full of his papers were impounded by the US Alien Property Custodian office, even though he was a citizen.  I found some of these papers recently when they fell off a truck, just like my stereo system and my TV did.  (Really).   Those papers outlined seven inventions Tesla didn’t get a chance to realize in his lifetime:

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