THE TOP 20 5-SECOND FILMS IN 5 SECONDS OR LESS

If you’re an Internet user who’s half the lazy time-waster that I am, you’ve probably seen something from 5-Second Films before. The website has been featured on both “Attack of the Show” and “Tosh.0,” which are TV shows about the Internet for geeks who like to have their obsessions validated by cable television. In fact, “AOTS” co-host Olivia Munn called 5-Second Films “hit or miss,” which is precisely the kind of recognition I’ve been trying to get from Olivia for years. But she has effective security guards and a team of lawyers that have a bottomless well of “cease and desist” letters. Alas.

Thus it is with great pleasure that Uproxx has teamed with 5-Second Films to present their twenty best creations. In  honor of this momentous occasion for independent dot-com venues, I have given each clip a write-up of five words or fewer (please note that the headline is grammatically incorrect merely because it sounds better that way). Perhaps some day, Olivia Munn will describe these descriptions as “hit or miss.” And also send me the Princess Leia slave costume she wore at Comic-Con.

Here we go. I like the ones with baby violence and/or drinking!

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ENTER THE 36 CATHETERS: IF ‘THE GOLDEN GIRLS’ WERE WU-TANG CLAN MEMBERS

More often than not, responding to a ”roommates needed” ad, posted in a Miami grocery store, usually ends with you guest starring on a Bang Bros. episode (NSFW). But in 1985, when two brave, elderly women did just that (responded to an ad in a grocery store, not the Bang Bros. thing, sorry), their actions lead them to the address 6151 Richmond Street, or as American television audiences would come to know it: home to The Golden Girls. Later joined by one of the character’s mothers (talk about a c-ck block), three became four and the four became a cable phenomenon.

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HOW TO WRITE A HOLLYWOOD ROM-COM IN 10 EASY STEPS

Unless you’ve been living in the moron cave on Retard Mountain, you’ve probably noticed that romantic comedies are big business.  Movies like The Proposal, The Ugly Truth, that one with Matthew McConaughey and the treasure; they’re out there earning two and three hundred million dollars.  And if you think that’s because they’re good, I’ve got news for you, retard, you’re retarded.  The truth is, they make that kind of scratch because they tap into a familiar formula that boring people find comforting and recognize as one of their own, rather than attacking with pitchforks like they would an intellectual challenge, or the town ogre.  And now, because I’m such a righteous dude, I’m here to explain that formula to you, the cretinous layperson.  Because as they say, don’t hate the player.  Learn to make cheap knockoffs of his product, drive him out of business, and make his dog like you better than him, because f-ck that guy, who does he think he is.

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7 INVENTIONS STOLEN FROM NIKOLA TESLA

If you think this is impressive, you should see how he reads in the bathroom.

You’ve probably already heard about inventions by Nikola Tesla that have been credited to other inventors.  His work in the fields of radio, floroscopy, and vacuum tube amplifiers have been attributed in the past to Marconi, Edison, and Edison (again), respectively.  What you may not know is that many other modern-day inventions and some never-before-seen inventions were also his work.  After Tesla’s death, trunks full of his papers were impounded by the US Alien Property Custodian office, even though he was a citizen.  I found some of these papers recently when they fell off a truck, just like my stereo system and my TV did.  (Really).   Those papers outlined seven inventions Tesla didn’t get a chance to realize in his lifetime:

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Helpful Tips For Sports Celebrities to Navigate Social Media

Oh! Well, hello there, random sports celebrity person. Glad to have you with us on these here interwebz. Unfortunately, however, your journey into the netheregions of the GoogleTubes isn’t as easy as, say, your grandparents’.

No, in fact, yours is the most perilous of all ventures, because your reputation as a public figure will hinge primarily on how you behave in front of the world’s collective set of uber-creepy eyeballs.

And that’s Helpful Sports Celebrity Social Media Lesson No. 1:

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