Teeth: The Other Vital Weapon

Today’s news is all about teeth. Teeth and scary grandmothers. Sigmund Freud would love this post.

First off, we have the dentures that “saved the world”. If that sounds incredibly stupid and overblown, well, that’s because it is. These are the dentures of Winston Churchill, and you can have them for the incredibly low price of…$23,723. Oh, and if you actually use them (and why would you), you’ll lisp; they were designed to retain Winnie’s slight speech impediment, because clarity wasn’t valued back then. Also, he tended to flick them across the room by putting his thumb behind them. Yeah, he may have helped save the free world, but gross.

David Dees: Conspiracy Theory Meets Art, Courtesy of the Internet

You see that image? Take a good look at that image. This is probably your first introduction to David Dees: conspiracy theorist, extreme right-winger, Holocaust denier, and Photoshoppist extraordinaire. Dees is like all the right-wing extremist lunacy of the Internet was distilled down into one human being, and that human being was actually granted some pretty decent Photoshop skills and a bizarre artistic sensibility that would probably have made him a celebrated outsider artist already if it weren’t for the fact that he was convinced Hitler was framed, Obama was from Kenya, Zionists are conspiring to kill us all, and pretty much everything that exists is out to brainwash us. Yes, Dees believes EVERY conspiracy theory. And we mean EVERY conspiracy theory. Join us on a tour of Dees’ talented hands and warped brain.

Adorable Kittens Cause Massive Property Damage, Bodily Injury

"Target acquired."

Kittens are in the news today, mostly because their adorableness is making them agents of chaos.

We start in Vienna, where the soul-rending pitiful meowing of a kitten drew the attention of police and firefighters. Despite being trained professionals, the kitten eluded them, sneaking from car to car, before finally disappearing into the guts of a police cruiser. Most people would go to the convenience store down the street for some Pounce treats to lure it out, but, this being Vienna, our crack research team shows that they have neither Pounce treats nor convenience stores, and is in fact located in a pocket universe next to the Negative Zone.

8 Famous Sea Monsters And Their Amazing Real Life Equivalents

8. Sea Monk

What it was: An animal found off the coast of Denmark that apparently looked like Aquaman’s unholy cousin.

The Sea Messiah

Since this occurred in 1546 back when just about everything had to be Christian, the Sea Monk’s non-denominational, real life equivalence is either a misidentified squid…

Or one of several animals, including seals, angel sharks, or a little something called Jenny Haniver, which is a dry sting ray shaped to look like a devil.  If you put it back into the water, well… let’s just say it looks crazy enough on dry land that if you ever saw one floating toward you, we wouldn’t hold it against you if you blew the monster whistle.

The 5 Worst Things About the Gaming Industry

Let’s get one thing clear: the gaming industry is, in many ways, wonderful.  It produces some great products that provide many gamers with hours of entertainment and eventual heart failure.  The industry, however, has some bad habits that make Hollywood look like a church choir.  Here are the worst things about it:

THE TRIBE OF EDWARD 40 HANDS

Though I’ve only spent a short number of years adventuring this big blue planet’s terrain, I have to admit that I’ve accomplished some very great things. In 1995, I became the first kid on my block to successfully dry hump Crissy Minnihan on the second floor of my treehouse -in a swimsuit (thank you very much). In ’98, I unearthed what scientists have described as “about 20 years’ worth of your father’s porno magazines”, a find that cemented my place in the halls of greatness at my middle school. And, in 2008, I called my friend Justin a “c*ck huff” as to so eloquently suggest that he was an individual who did, in fact, inhale penis; a combination of words that, to this day, I’m proud of. I tell you these things as to set the precedent of what I have achieved and to offer comparison for my latest discovery, the most important research I have ever held, a cultural delving and study of an ancient people: the Tribe of Edward 40 hands.