Over the weekend, the Los Angeles Times profiled the “Chillin’ the Most” concert cruise. Not familiar with the name? Well, does this ring a bell: MY NAME IS KIDDDDDDDDDD…KID. ROCK. No longer content with destroying my faith in music with his, um, unique blend of southern rock/rap on land, Kid Rock recently took to the seas to perform such classics as “Born 2 B a Hick” and “Black Chick, White Guy.”
For the next four nights, 2,650 of Kid Rock’s biggest fans will wander the 12 decks of the nearly 900-foot-long ship in various stages of undress, toting giant inflatable penises, downing the musician’s own Badass American Lager out of breast-shaped beer bongs, and consuming more than three times the amount of alcohol than a typical Carnival voyage.
I can smell the Badass from here, and it smells like vomit, week-old cigarettes, and Scott Stapp’s penis. But concert cruises are a Thing now, as Burnsy once mentioned, with many big-name acts, such as R. Kelly, KISS, Weezer, Rick Springfield, and Creedence Clearwater Revival (with Foreigner, Kansas, Blue Oyster Cult, and the Marshall Tucker Band, among many others) performing their hit(s) on the seven seas. Or around Florida. Whatever. But I want to look at this Kid Rock story more — here are a few more choice excerpts.
When it’s time for a mandatory safety drill, the life-saving instructions playing over the vessel’s intercom can barely be heard over sounds of drunken guests stumbling over one another, spewing obscenities, cheering, slapping high-fives and yelling chants like “Ain’t no party like a … Kid Rock party.”
As the ship pulls out of port, guests finally make it to the outdoor deck to watch Kid Rock perform, leaving behind a Dumpster’s worth of beer bottles in the lobby. Scantily clad women gyrate to the pre-show music while a guy with a pack of condoms dangling from a lanyard around his neck watches.
Ritchie’s cruise is headed for 55 acres of a Carnival-owned private island in Half Moon Cay, Bahamas, that he’s christened “Redneck Paradise.”
As for other activities? A bikini contest that bans actual swimwear but encourages ladies to parade in makeshift bikinis and a men’s Speedo competition where many participants stuff their swimwear with plastic appendages to compete for a crown and cloak.
Jody Sparks doesn’t mind that he’s getting sunburned as he roams Redneck Paradise with a beer in hand. He’s having fun.
So are his modelesque twin daughters, who are celebrating their 21st birthday nearby with a pack of lusty-eyed males. Sparks, who’s from Sterling Heights, Mich., attended 13 Kid Rock concerts last year, spending around $1,000 per ticket. This year he shelled out $16,000 for the cruise, including hotel and airfare, for himself, his wife and daughters.
If Chillin’ the Most and the Gathering of the Juggalos came together to form one giant, week-long cruise festival, Nelson Muntz would finally have a better answer of what to nuke than the whales.