Pay For The Sex, Stay For The News

They call it the world’s oldest profession – prostitution. And by they I mean Johnny Law, Bobby Badgewearer, Jimmy Handcuffs, Reginald Q. Excessiveforce… the man. I disagree with this claim, though, because I believe that the politician is the world’s oldest profession. After all, you can’t have call girls without clients. But I digress, because while we rarely prosecute politicians for screwing us, we love to arrest hookers. And the word of the week is sting, as in prostitution.

We start where most amateur call girls find their beginnings these days – Craigslist. Why hit the streets when you can just use Google Street View? Six women and three men were arrested in Philadelphia in association with a prostitution ring that was operated through Craigslist. Linked to the ring are a series of robberies and violent crimes, including a 2009 murder in which a pimp was killed when he confronted a John. Clearly not a stellar moment in the pimp game.

Yosmaris Yamilet Lopez was arrested in Sellersburg, Indiana for running a prostitution ring out of her home. Authorities believe this ring spanned two states and was a way for South American women to pay their “debts” for being brought into the U.S. illegally. Neighbors reported seeing random men and women coming and going during all hours. I was also recently arrested for the same reason, but it was just my 24-hour foosball tournament.

At least 42 people have been arrested as part of an online prostitution sting in Polk County, Florida, which is amazing because I never knew that 42 people had Internet access in Polk County. Johns were paying between $200 and $400 for sex acts, so I’m assuming that people had sex and then were given television sets. At the center of the Polk ring? A 77-year old pimp. In your face, retirement age!

But the police aren’t a prostitute’s only enemy. Street walkers in Ottawa – that’s in Canada, according to Funk and Wagnalls – are looking over both shoulders after a hooker was killed in the line of booty. But according to the deceased’s ho-workers, it’s just biznass as usual. How many prostitutes have to be killed until we recognize an epidemic? Oh, apparently the answer is 24.

Despite all of this negative sex-for-hire news, the game is still thriving. At least it is in San Antonio, where police are reporting that even after being booked for soliciting their lady parts, hookers are heading right back out to the streets as soon as they kiss jail goodbye. But not on the mouth, of course.